PICARD: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg?
And Mr. Data,
have you been able to access their command pathways?
GEORDI: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late twentieth-century
computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key and a logo appears on the screen.)
RIKER (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"
DATA: "Allow me to explain. We send this program, for some reason called
'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin
consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
PICARD: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?"
DATA: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will
not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."
PICARD: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
DATA: "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately
consumed 85% of all system resources. We however have not received any
confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
GEORDI: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
PICARD: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."
DATA: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
RIKER: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F..."
GEORDI (excited): "Wait, Captain I just detected that their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
PICARD: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
DATA: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU
capacity."
PICARD: "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
RIKER: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
GEORDI: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for the increased CPU and storage
demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have
setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the
'Microsoft Fun-Pack'."
PICARD: "How much time will that buy us?"
DATA: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
GEORDI: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
PICARD: "Identify."
DATA: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo."
(Over the speackers): "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
DATA: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
PICARD: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
RIKER: "Good Heavens, Captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How
can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
DATA: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, If you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century mankind as doe skin
briefcases and wearing Armani suits."
RIKER & PICARD (horrified): "Lawyers!!"
GEORDI: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
DATA: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
RIKER: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."
DATA: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'.
It often proves fatal."
RIKER: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
PICARD: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch,
not even the Borg deserve that."