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Recognisable characters = Marvel Comics

Unrecognisable characters = Rhona Highet

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Maths lesson over = Beginning of story!

Distribute freely without asking me because the answer is yes anyway. Make changes if you like just point out that the original text is mine!
Make fun of it if you like BUT you have to e-mail me first.
Don't change the title of this 'cause I happen to like it.
Be happy!

"Hi, I'm Nathaniel Essex. You might remember me for losing to the X-Men every time I go up against them or for being one of the most despised creatures on Earth after politicians and lawyers or it might be the fact that I am the proud owner of one Rogue. Yes, that's probably it. No-one ever remembers me for my great contributions to the medical world, just that brat I spawned. Talk about moody bitches. Four months pregnant and I'm already getting "Do I look fat?" and "I hate my body" and "I hate the entire male race". She's also decided to move in with me and her mother because the X-Men were smart enough to kick her out before the mood swings happened. They said the only reason they didn't want her on active duty was because of her pregnancy. She got mad and stormed out. I went round to their place after she'd been to my door and found them having a party. Sure, I stayed. Who wouldn't? I mean it's not every day that Chuck decides to open his wallet! Scott, who was very drunk (and by that I mean he had one beer and was plastered) and started to talk about the whole situation. I hate it when drunks start to talk to you, you can never get away from them. Anyway he told me everything about the Rogue situation and how I might have had Magneto for a son-in-law except Joseph wasn't really Magneto. Is this making any sense 'cause to me it isn't. So Remy got to her first. Joseph's ego must have taken a right bashing at that one. I also found out from him that Mystique had been in contact with him after she found out about Rogue's pregnancy and was going to be coming to Xavier's in a few days time. The trip to Antarctica seemed to be a good idea considering that I am the one who took Raven's precious sibling away. Y'know how Homer Simpson feels about Marge's sisters well that's how I feel about Kes' siblings. Raven hates my guts and Falcon hates me for choosing Kes over her. They're identical triplets and tend to be very close and I always get the blame for breaking the three-some up. Wait that didn't sound right, did it? Sorry, I'll get my mind out the gutter.

I left the party in the small hours of the morning. The party was stopped by the police when someone complained about the noise. I think every mutant on the face of the Earth was there. I know all the X-Teams were there and I almost scored with (should I list them? Yes, after all I'm just a man) Domino but Cable sort of put an end to that one, Polaris but she passed out in one of the bedrooms, Storm but she was sick in the toilet most of the night, Moira but Rhane sort of dragged her mother away from me. Ah, but Rhane kept giving me slight glances. Who could blame her, my ugly Sinister form was gone, I was back to Nathaniel Essex (well for a while at least because my shape shifting power is about reliable as a Lada). I was back to my beautiful form. A 6' 5", blond with more acting skills, looks and balls than Leonardo DiCaprio! How can anyone turn me down? If my mother was here I'd be sent to do something horrible but she's been dead for over 100 years! Who else did I almost score with? Oh, now I remember, Terry, Psylocke, Marrow (how did that happen?) and some lovely little dark haired woman who also seemed to know a lot about me. She seemed familiar in a way and I found out who it was when I was about to go home. Kes' idea of a joke. She's sort of a shape shifter and turned herself into the kind of woman I had in mind at the time (which just happened to Winona Ryder).

When we got home, Rogue was asleep so Kes and I had some more drinks and watched 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien' who is better than Leno! He had some rubbish guests on including Hank McCoy. Hank was doing the usual tour after discovering the cure for the Legacy Virus (actually Moira and I did help but Hank picked the short straw and got all the credit and attention). Kes and I fell asleep in front of the TV. I had a weird dream, it involved me as Doctor Geiger from 'Chicago Hope' and Kes was Doctor Shutt and we were both sitting in Shutt's office discussing the Spice Girls.

I've got to stop eating snack foods.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of cooking and I walked into the kitchen to find Rogue standing over the oven. Now, for me breakfast consists of either a Pop Tart and OJ or a proper fry up (you know bacon, eggs, sausages, tomato, mushroom, etc. The stuff that gives your doctor a heart attack and your Cardiologist a nice fat cheque at the end of the day) and a cup of coffee. Rogue was making a whole lot of 'Southern foods'. My daughter tends to forget I'm a Brit and don't like foreign foods. Alright, I admit I do like some foreign foods but what Rogue cooked could not be classified as food. Thank God she's not a chef. Kes is never polite. She told her daughter that it didn't look edible and taught Rogue to cook something proper (in Kes' case this meant all the Italian dishes she could think of) and she even taught Rogue how to make a salad. There was a knock at the door and I answered it. A heavily pregnant Raven Darkholme stood there. I shuddered, not because I hate her but she looked so, well, eh, sexy. Oh boy. Anyway, Kes came out the kitchen and looked at our guest. Her first question was "Who knocked you up?" and Raven told us that Sabretooth had paid her a visit one night. Just what we need, another Creed. So now we have a pregnant Rogue and a pregnant Raven. I feel like Al Bundy now. Somebody help me! I don't want to spend days? Weeks? Try months with these women but Kes insists that Raven stay with us. I would point out THIS IS MY HOUSE but nobody would listen. I'm going back to my lab to have a long think!"

End of Part 1.

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