Cars are the Root of All Evil!

by B. A. Pedestrian

Every day I see cars filling up our roads, polluting our air, destroying our lives. I can contain my indignation no longer. How any right thinking human being can like these things is beyond me. They are loud, annoying, cause many accidents, and are destroying our earth.

Furthermore, I have unearthed the fact that cars are actually insidious weapons in a war that only one side knows about. The atmosphere of Venus is pure smog. In order for Venusians to survive on our planet in large numbers, our atmosphere would have to be at least 1/2 smog. (That's right. Their advance guard is now residing comfortably in Los Angeles.)

The great auto makers of the past, such as Henry Ford (real name: jhen'mdfsvk;9), were all really aliens! They introduced their most potent weapon against us, the internal combustion engine. It is a weapon so powerful, that its victims are willing to shell out their entire savings for the privilege of having it used on them.

Yes, this is their main weapon, not the engine itself, but our own materialistic lifestyle. Teenagers see the car as a symbol of freedom, while in reality buying one turns you into a unwitting slave of the Venusian armed forces, transforming our atmosphere into a noxious soup that they cannot live without ("Henry Ford" and those like it are a special breed).

On the other hand, one can't blame them completely. It seems they consider it a war of self defense. According to one anonymous source, quoted by O'Neill (1973):

"[Venusians] observed the Puritan takeover of England in the mid 17th century, and knew that these grim doctrines would find fruitful soil in England's colony, America. . .
"[Venus] was left no choice. It was decided to destroy America, thus restoring natural balance to the universe. . .
"The [Venusians] 'gave' the gasoline engine to the rightous men [puritan usage, read 'materialistic'], who were unable to resist it in their gluttony. They could not see the poison, all they saw was profit!"*


'Henry Ford'




*From The Collective Unconcious of Odd Bodkins by Dan O'Neill � 1973 Chronicle Publishing Co.


This work and all other work on this Homepage are � (copyright) 1996 by Andrew Glasgow (unless otherwise noted). No one may sell, distribute or download for any pupose other than personal use except by the author's express written permission.