DISCLAIMER:: Mummies Alive chars owned by DIC. All other fan fic chars are owed by the creators used with love and TLC for this holiday fiasco only. The char Elsbeth "Ashake" Coulter, singer for the Java Goddess Café/Bar is owned and copyrighted by me, Beth Strong a.k.a. Java Goddess. If you want to use her for fan fic please e-mail and ask permission at [email protected]. I would love to hear for you. Fellow mummers, please, the play is done all in fun. I do not in any wish to offend, belittle, or anger any one's MA char/creator or religious beliefs. So sit back with your hot coco and relax and enjoy.
Written by the one and only Sister of Sacred Bean
Java Goddess
It still seemed to be one of those days where everything was right with the world. A faint wind picked up from the Frisco Bay sending the smells of the holiday season over everyone's head filling lives with joy and cheer. The lone figure of a woman clad in strategically torn Guess jeans, white ribbed crop top, and Dock Martin hiking boots surveyed the outsides of the tall building with a practiced eye. She lifted the rim of the black, blue banded fedora with a thumb careful not to jostle the wealth of hair tucked under the hat. Her greenish grey eyes read the neon red-pink letters flashing out the name "Java Goddess Café/Bar . .Enter As You Lose Your Sanity".
Her gaze fell underneath the display of glass and light to another message scrawled out in hieroglyphics in a rather hasty hand. It read:: ASHAKE GET YOUR SULTRY TUT IN HERE NOW!!! YOU ARE LATE, LATE, LATE!! SIGNED THE PRODUCER. She noticed Rath's writing right off. He had a tendency to curve his T's when he was perturbed.
"Ah, Green eyes," she laughed in a warm soprano-alto voice that could melt the desert sand into spun glass. "You're such a card!"
The Celtic bard and mage pulled a pack of Marlboro cigarettes from her jean pocket. They were an off-dimension brand, hard to come by on the black market beyond the Western Gate. Bes got them for her as a special Christmas gift. Flipping one cancer stick into her mouth, she fumbled around for a match book. Finding none on her person, she cursed a colorful expletive that had something to do with the scribe and his preference for watching National Geographic reptilian mating studies as she righted the nylon guitar case resting over her shoulder. Long slender fingers snapped then she brought her left pointer up to the tobacco. The end embered and flared into life as smoke that drifted up haloing her head like mystic nimbus.
The bard took a long drag, blowing out the smoke rings. She magically changed the colors to alternating red-green-red-green to match her holiday mood. The ring line coalesced into the shape of a Chinese kylin with shining scales that flew around her like a trained puppy. She smiled with pride. Lets see old hat-head top that! Gandalf the Grey had taught that spell centuries past and it was one she excelled in.
She rested the encased instrument on the ground. Lady Cies would be in good voice tonight. Another long drag of smoke produced a winged cat and a drunk sprite. Her back to the establishment, the bard enjoyed the crisp air and the feeling of rightness with the universe. Christmas was her favorite time of the year. Once Presley explained to his mummy guardians about the celebration there a flurry of activity to bring in the cheer at their locale hang out and drinking spot.
Java Goddess Café/Bar was located in the Embarcadero District of San Francisco just of China Town's lower west side near Third Street and a defunked, broken down mini mall that dated way back to the 1980's beautification remolding phase the Golden Gate City never finished. The two story building used to be an old strip club called Bare Asset that went bankrupt after a week. The space with its prexisting stage made it the perfect place for the entertainment.
Now, to tell you the truth there was something magical and different about the Java Goddess Café. Like her predessor Calahan's Place or Kayor's beyond the Westgate, the JG was a nexus point in the space time continuum where all the locale gods and goddess for all the know pantheons, aliens, alcoholic vampires, shape shifters, wizards galore, with a few species unknown came to party, socialize, drink, and kick back from the pressures of immortality or world domination or just to hear good music.
In a place as diverse as this the Celtic bard brought Rapses guardians in one night to hide them from the local police after a run in with Scarab. Officer Bob and Joe were one duty that night. When the mismatched pair burst through the door the entire place stopped to look at the twosome who stood there slack jawed at the spectacle before them. Armon coughed on his beer. Ja-kal accidently nailed Rath's hat with a dart as the wizard glanced up from his pool game with Dakar. Nefertina was in the middle of robbing Oria, Rathera, Bes the Mischief God, and Allana at poker. Corryn was juggling glasses for Presley's amusement. The Celtic bard and Lyris were finished up a musical set accompanied by Joari and Kalia and other musicians. The rest of the Forgotten Warriors were talking with the Goddess' regulars like good family. Officer Bob fainted. Joe had a nervous break down on the spot until Rath put him out of his stuttering misery with a well placed pool cue to the cranium. But that is another story . . .
"How did I ever let them talk me into this," the bard told the smoke animals, "I'll never know." She picked up Lady Cies and pushed the brass handled door open.
Inside the Java Goddess Café/Bar, the place was a mad house of activity. Patrons were already at the tables waiting for the show to begin. On stage, the activity doubled. Christmas decorations decked out all over the wide area. Twinkling lights covered the outline of on unused dancer's pole, a relic from the past owners that Heather Morales, the manager/owner of the JG couldn't bear to part with. Theo was tending bar. Rosie, busy with orders, carried a tray of drinks to a table of waiting customers. Max was at his usual place tickling the ivories of the old piano in between the fire place and the stage. Max waved a big hello as he played the opening chords of "Here Comes the Bride" as she waved back.
"Very funny, Max!" she yelled back as her smoke menagerie filtered around her. She bellied up to the bar. "My usual Theo on the rocks, please." Theo poured out an Arjuine Brandy with a lime twist and set it on fire with a match. She raised it to her lips, blowing out the fire, and drank in the warm mixture with relish. It burned slow hot/cold down her throat. "Still the best bar tender around, Theo!" she complimented to the black man smiling as he filled the next order of drinks Rosie handed him.
"ELSPETH ASHAKE COULTER," a British high pitched voice said from nowhere, "dispel those magic based nuisances and get dressed. You are LATE!"
Elsbeth turned from the bar to see Rath standing in front of her wearing a producer's beret instead of his tall green and gold Egyptian henhet.(note from author:: that is the real name of it so don't get all bent over the strange name!) Her demeanor was one of mild irritation as she drank her Arjuine Brandy.
Rath waved his hand and the cigarette in her mouth became ash. "You shouldn't smoke," he said in a tone that dripped acid. "And there is a California ordinance banned smoking from facilities such as this. When you are quite finished, I have some new ideas for tonight's performance. . . "
Elsbeth spat the cigarette butt into the ash tray. "Nice to see you too, My Old Badger of a Curmudgeon."
"I wish you didn't call me that," the scribe muttered. "It sounds so. . I mean I am not a car . ."
"A fussy old badger," Elsbeth parried, "YES, my love you are most definitely that."
Rath glanced at this tall, lithe, phenomenally attractive living female as she sipped her drink. Tendrils of chestnut hair crept from beneath the fedora as her beautiful green grey eyes laughed at the private joke between them. Hers was a beauty that as unique and hard to define. The centuries had not dulled those intelligent eyes nor her rapier wit nor creased her ivory countenance with lines. Elsbeth was Sidhe blooded of Oberon's Children the Tuatha de Dannua of Celtic Irish legend, though she looked perfectly human except for the almond eyed slant of her eyes. Eyes that tended to change color according to her mood. These Elven people were the most magical and gifted of all the divine races.
Rath sighed. It has been a long tiring day as producer of the Christmas Show. Besides, the smoke dragon and drunk sprite were pelting each other with cashew nuts from the snack tray on the bar. The winged cat meowed at the scribe's feet. "Can you please get rid of these . . .these . . ."
"Ahhh, you're just mad that you can't do the spell, Green eyes!" Elsbeth purred superiorly. She tsked, "Jealousy does not become you. But you are soooo cute when you're in a huff." The bard tweaked his blue cheek.
Rath crossed his arms in irritation, rolling his palm-leaf-green eyes at her statement and glared at the smoke cat still complaining to be petted. "If you would show me your magic then perhaps I would," he snorted derisively.
Elsbeth finished her brandy, twirling the ice cube in the glass till it skated on the rim and tossed into her mouth. Sucking upon it, she cracked it in her teeth then bit into the lime twist for more flavor. Then, she put up a new cigarette into her mouth.
"Disgusting," the scribe muttered. His hand glowed with emerald eldrich energy as he said a spell to get rid of the offending cancer stick. But before he could say the magic words, Elsbeth leaned over to light her cig on his thumb. Puffing, she said, "Thanks for the help."
"I didn't. . .I mean that was. . ." Rath stammered. The woman, cig in hand, caught him by the collar. Her tongue was a clever animal opening from wetness to dryness in his mouth. He tasted the brandy and cigarettes on her breath as her serpentine tongue continued to explore their kiss. Then the display deepened, their minds bonded in mental bliss of their centuries old soul-bond as she kissed the sighing scribe with such a force his knees turned to sand.
**Merry Christmas, my love** Elsbeth sent telepathically and filled his heart with the warmth of their empathic bond. Slowly they held each other out at arm's length, Elsbeth supporting some of Rath's shakey weight as he reeled from her passionate kiss.
**Merry Christmas, beloved sister** Rath returned the gesture as she smiled a knowing smile and left for back stage. When an Egyptian man calls a woman who was not a blood relation "beloved sister" he is actually saying "beloved wife". No the centuries had not dulled that smoldering fire now blazing in the pit of his belly.
The makeshift Nativity scene was leaning to the left one again as Alanna tried to nail a beam straight. Heather Morales, the Java Goddess' owner/manager, watched the proceedings with a light but chastened heart. A huge sparking Christmas tree resplendent in too much tinsel and tacky ornaments shimmered on the left side of the stage. It hurt to look at it. The Mummies had out done themselves for their prince's happiness but had all the success at decorating as Martha Steward on methanphamines washed down with a bottle Jack Daniels followed by a cream de mint chaser. "Well," Heather sighed inwardly, it was their first Christmas. Had to give them brownie points for trying.
Rath clapped his hands, calling for attention. As the pageant's producer he was in charge of the whole play. As to which the other mummies ignored the scribe's attempts are getting their attention as they continue with their tasks as they bustled between the sets of the Nativity and Santa's Workshop. Kalia, pageant director, sipped a warm café mocha smiling as Rath stormed by her in a full blown tiff.
"What's eating him now?" asked Presley dress as Joseph leaned on his staff.
The mage and artist shrugged. "How should I know? He's being an even bigger PITT than usual."
"PITT?" Presley said.
"Anachronism for pain in the tut," Kalia supplied as she drank.
By Ra, how did we Egyptian get by without this marvelous stuff. She sighed in bliss. Coming to the Java Goddess Café was the best thing for the guardians. A happy hide away form their duty filled with love and support. Plus the guys were really cute.
Rath emerged with a megaphone. "PLACES IN 10 MINUTES!!!" The screeching amplified boom of the scribe's annoying voice split Kalia's ears as she dropped her well deserved mocha. Covering her head as he continued in his narrative "REPEAT PLACES IN . ."
Kalia grabbed the hated machine and pitched the megaphone into the fireplace where it hit smack dead center in the middled of a chiseled bull's-eye in the brick. Everyone in the room watched as the megaphone broke into a pile of dead wires. A collected cheer went up from the Mummies and patrons. Kalia bowed to her pubic.
Rath seethed where he stood as Kalia stuck her tongue at the miffed scribe.
Joari miserable in her cow costume couldn't even look at Dakar next to her. "Why do I have to be that damned cow?"
Dakar dressed as a Wiseman rearranged his beard. "Just think of it as your tribute to Hathor."
The rest of the Forgotten Warriors and Rapses Guardians were dressed in Nativity costumes or in Santa's Workshop.
Oria as Rudolph coaxed Rathera out of the dressing room.
"OH, come on Rathera, you look cute."
"NO!!!!!" came the response.
But Oria did get the frustrated girl out. Stage Director Kalia smirked as Rathera jiggled by in a red and green elf outfit.
"Not a word, not one word," Rathera hissed and glared banefully at Kalia. "I'm going to kill my brother. . .again. . after this is over!!! The things I go through for the prince."
Rath called from the stage. "FIVE MINUTES!!"
Kalia shook her head. Whose idea was it give him that much power?
Corryn flew down from the rafters. A pretty white angel dress covered her slight form. She fluttered her wings.
Kalia checked the harness and cable strapped to Corryn. "Is it too tight?"
"No, feels OK. I can move my wings. See?" Corryn demonstrated and accidently hit the artist in the face with a wing buff.
"Sorry. . .I'm excited."
Presley was joined out stage with Armon as Santa Claus. Ja-Kal and Nefertina were Donner and Blitzen.
Ja-Kal looked dubiously at his attire. "Must we do this?"
Nefertina smiled. "It was how the prince wanted to celebrate Christmas. And we had to get a X-mas greeting to all the Mummies Alive fans out there."
Ja-Kal sighed.
Rath ordered Armon to hoist Corryn into place. Bes' daughter was suspended in mid air right by the eye sore of a Christmas tree.
"Remember my signal, Corryn. Sprinkle the snow on the readers on my mark." Thumbs up from Corryn above.
Joari looked at the hanging girl. "Why does she get to be the Christmas angel?"
Lyris dressed in a red velvet gown came up beside her to gaze on Corryn as well. "Her wings sort of fit the costume."
"And why are you dressed. . .normal?" Joari appraised the muse's attire with an envious eye.
"I'm accompanying Elsbeth as she reads her poem," spoke the muse as she tugged at her friends cow's ears. Joari wasn't the only one who was going to kill Rath after the show.
Elsbeth in a tasteful pin striped suit entered the stage at Rath's last call for places. She and Lyris took their seats center stage as the applause came in from the audience. Her Goldsmith guitar Lady Cies rested close by.
Lyris, lyre in lap, noded to the bard. "Ready?"
Elsbeth arranged the 3 x 5 cards in hand. "Locked and loaded."
She winked impishly at the muse.
"And we are set in 5. . 4. .3. .2. .1 " Rath pointed as a spot hit the pair and the house lights slowly went dim. Lyris played a soft melody as Elspeth read her poem.
Twas the night before Christmas
and here at our house
Cleo was knitting her cousin a blouse
Kalia was wrapping a package with care
looking to see if the price tag was there.
Kahti in my favorite chair fast asleep
Presley wished for white snow drifts deep
Armon sitting down feeding his face
about all he does almost anyplace
Then all of a sudden there rose such a clatter
I ran to the kitchen to see what was the matter
Then came to pass my most dreaded wishes
as I pulled good old Rath from out of the dishes
Lyris stopped playing and laughed out loud. A large clop of fake snow fell on Elsbeth's head. "Thanks a lot, Cor!" she yelled up much to the delighted titter coming from the patrons. Lyris brushed the snow and the bard spat out the rest.
"Get on with it!" Rath half whispered half yelled from the side wing.
"Keep your hat on, Rath!" Elsbeth said which make Lyris giggle even more.
"When is she going to get to the sugar plum part?" Armon complained.
The cast shushed the mighty warrior who frowned as settled back into his chair.
Lyris resumed his playing as Elsbeth spoke:
Corryn is hanging the socking with care
in hope her new spell soon would be there
Nefertina and Oria check the chimney with a dare
wondering how could anyone fit all the way even bare
Ja-Kal and Joari are trimming the tree
making it new and as shiny as can be
Kalia and Dakar are making a Nativity
adding touches of unique Egyptian creativity
Kennet suspicion begin to grow
as Lyris and Rath test out the mistletoe
Suddenly the sounds of Armon's growling stomach could be heard over Lyris's playing. The whole cast burst out into laughter as Armon grinned sheepishly from underneath the fake Santa beard, then everybody lost it in a fit of hysterics. Elsbeth held up Lyris as they laughed so hard tears rolled down their cheeks.
Elsbeth threw the cards into the air and said free verse:
With all this disturbance going on all the time
it is so very hard for me to speak rhyme
So I think I'll go over to that other
quiet little house where no creatures
are stirring not even a mouse.
Lots of fake snow fell on the pair as Elsbeth reached for her guitar and plugged into the 1400 watt amp. She played the opening to Heart's song Barracuda. Lyris donned her dark glasses and her friend did the same. "Ready to Rock, Ly?"
"Let's kick it!" The muse replied.
(The following song is sung to the tune of Adam Sandler's Chaunaka Song from Saturday Night Live)
Elsbeth plays a G cord with practiced ease as Lyris echoed her harmony on the lyre. The bard and muse played in perfect union as Elsbeth lovely voice sang:
There are lots of people out there
with all the Christmas flare
From god and goddesses to Guardians gathered here
To see they really love their prince
You don't need to be a seer
Chaunaka is called the Festival of Lights
Instead of one day of presents
the Jewish have . . .
Elsbeth points to the cast as they answer:
"EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS!"
When you are all alone without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are not Jewish
but may would like to be
Princess Menehotep lights the menorah
Nuhn washed up on the Frisco Bay shore-a
Set and Anubis are in a sill snit
their scepters are gone . .Anubis forgot where he put it
Ja-Kal is continually stuck in a rut
Rath is one big pain in the tut
Armon keeps eating up all of the food
Nefertina is always lookin' for some reptile dude
Amanda is still a stunning mother work-a-holic
The Java Spot serves drinks that are non alcoholic
Bes the Mischief Maker. Sekhmet can be rude
Put 'em both together what a funny lookin' nude!
You don't need to Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Feature
When you can spin the dreidle
with Bastet and Presley's geeky science teacher
(Forgotten Warriors and Guardians join in on the chorus)
Put on you yamaka
it's time to celebrate Chaunaka
I hope I get a harmonica
We'll toast with gin ad tonica
But meanwhile back to the song-ica
Elsbeth strummed slower and Lyris copied the melody
Harris Stone still not Jewish
(Lyris sings now)
Bes' daughter Corryn has grey feather wings
Playing at the harp Oria just likes to sing
Rathera is the rowdy mummy sage
My pal, Kalia, is the independent mage
Elemental Geb is sometimes a little sore-a
Net is a babe you just can't ignore-a
Chontra is well know as a capricious evil witch
All the guardians know she can be a mutha of a B--!
Officer Bob died form a donut fill with sumac
Joe is still looking for the aliens from Loumac
Presley dodges studying especially English Lit
(Elsbeth sings now)
Remember, kid, denial is not a river flowing in Egypt
With all the new MA chars popping up on the net
I don't mean to forget you we've simply never met
Nefertina and Apep . .as a couple . Not to shabby
Talos is cleaning all the littered broken shabties
Heka is a pretty little golden snake
Too bad Scarab is such a rotten stinkin' flake
These two conspirators got one big attitude
Put'em both together they make a funky bad a-- dude!
(Elsbeth strums the guitar louder as the audience gets into the beat of the song.)
You don't need to Deck the Hall for everyone to flock
cuz with Lyris in house . .hell, this muse can really ROCK!
Everyone sang together at the chorus:
Put on your yamaka
it's time to celebrate Chaunaka
We hope it's really supersonic-a
So tell my friend Veronica
I really want a harmonic
We'll toast with beer and tonic-a
and party in Tiajunic-a
So have a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAUNAKA!!!!!!
The bard and muse finished with a big melodic flourish of cords and notes that sent the patrons of the Java Goddess Café into a frenzy of applause. Thunderous cheers and whistles were heard for minutes. The fake snow fell from the bag Corryn held as she spilled the whole Mummies Alive cast with the stuff. Soon the cast was coated in a Winter Wonderland.
From backstage Rath wiped a tear from his eye, "Perfect!"
SNAP!!!! Suddenly the cord that hold Corryn broke slightly. And she sailed into the Nativity knocking over the barn roof.
"EVERYONE DUCK!!" yelled Kalia as the winged girl dived from above. Costumed mummies dove for cover as Corryn did a low 360 degree turn over their head and stretched the corded flight out over a cheering audience.
"INCOMING!!" warned Corryn coming back around. CRASH!!
The poor kid knocked off the sleigh on her way back which landed on top of Dakar, Joari, Nefertina, and Presley. Alanna tried to hold up the Nativity set with the help of Oria and Rathera.
Corryn came sailing by and cold cocked the reindeer antlers off of Menehotep's head with a trailing wing.
"SOMEBODY HELP!!" screamed Corryn as the rope frayed and snapped sending her face first into the Christmas tree. Armon, Ja-Kal, and the rest of the mummies steadied the tree as Corryn was brought to safety. Cheers from the crowd.
Bes, in the rafters, flipped a coin. It landed heads-up in his hand.
"Oh goody!!" the green imp smiled. Snapping his fingers twice, a whining sound could be heard as the whole Christmas set came crashing down on the panicked cast. The pageant erupted into chaos as the house lights flickered on the mayhem leaving the stage in ruins. Elsbeth and Lyris watched as everyone got out from under the props. Presley emerged from under a cardboard shepherd. Menehotep had a strand of lights tangled around her. Dakar lost his beard in the mess and helped Nefertina to her feet. Everyone seemed to be alright.
Rath stormed on to the stage, throwing his clip board down.
"I'm surrounded by philistines!!"
Bes laughed and pointed at the Christmas tree. While Rath complained about the ruined pageant the huge conifer came crashing down on the unsuspecting scribe. Another round of applause from all present. Kalia laughed her head off as Rath struggled with the pine. The tree won. Lyris and Elsbeth leaned on each trying hard to still stand and they laughed till their sides ached.
"Stop, please, my cheeks are hurting!" begged the muse.
Corryn, safe on the stage, threw up the bag of snow sending fake flurries everywhere. "Merry New Year!" she crowed.
Elsbeth brushed the snow from Lyris' short auburn. "Ahhh heck, people, Happy Kwahnzah!!!!!"