Just another day aboard our favorite submarine....The Seaview....or is it?

Massive amounts of appreciation to Rosie, who conversation brings forth some really weird ideas in my mind.......Thanks, Rosie!
 
 

Lee Benjamin Vanderbilt "Lad" Crane walked into the living room in his bare feet with the ratty Annapolis towel wrapped around his middle. He paused before the television set and turned it on, forgetting that he was still dripping wet from the shower. The explosion of sparks from the resulting shock knocked him to the floor...right on his butt.

[Adult language warning] "%&$@@*^^" he commented, climbing up from the floor. I keep forgetting not to do that! He re-wrapped the slightly burnt towel back around him middle and ran his hands through his curly, singed hair that was smoking slightly. The tube of the old television popped into view showing a young Walter Cronkite reading the nightly news.

"And the latest news from the California coast is that the Federal Government Agency on the California Octopi, interested in preserving the American Octopus, is now requesting that Admiral Harriman Nelson, of the famed Nelson Institute of Marine Research, please try to keep a lower profile, to protect the octopi from being used by the International Order of the Kill Harry League. It has been determined that the League is using the octopi as guinea pigs in their drive to eliminate Admiral Harriman Nelson from the face of the Earth. Their efforts have been fruitless, except in the de-population of the California Octopi. The Federal Government Agency on the Giant Happy Clams of North America are now concerned that the International Order of the Kill Harry League will now turn it's eyes to the millions of happy clams living on the West coast!"

"Oh, my!" Crane commented, frowning, "this can really cause the price of fried clams to go up. Maybe I had better check in with the Institute."

Walking over to the telephone, he reached for it and then paused. He extended his hand and slapped at it carefully. Pleased that he was still standing on his feet, he smiled and picked up the receiver. [If you will notice, numbers are never dialed on this show and the party to be reached is always at the other end of the phone].

Immediately Angie, Gloria or the secretary of the week picked up the phone. "Hello, Lee!" she chirped out at him. [It's in his contract...the secretaries will always like him.]

"Oh, I'm sorry but the Admiral is in his inner office going over some briefs."

[Scene switches to the Admiral's office...the outer office has the desk, naval photos and visitors chairs...but Nelson is in the inner office....]

Admiral Harriman Nelson picks up the briefs and checks them over carefully...they are dainty, pink lace. The owner of the lacy underwear slowly reaches for them....

[Adult literature section starts here] You have five minutes to imagine this scene...you have the following to work with: one potted palm tree badly need of water, an old Navajo rug, a battered and worn pool table, Tiffany light overhead with a burnt out bulb, two empty stemware, a bottle of something bubbly, an assortment of clothing (which may or may not go together), and soft music...Ah, yes, two sweating, groaning, slightly fevered bodies, which may or may not fit together!
 
 

[The next scene]
 
 

Lee Crane comes rushing into Admiral Nelson's office and [Suggested violence] slips on the well-polished floor and ends up in a lump at the front of Angie's desk. She looks over the edge of the desk at the collapsed heap, "Would you like some coffee, Sir?"

Crane reaches up to the edge of the desk and slowly pulls himself up off the floor, "Thank you, Angie, that would be nice."

"Yes, Sir!" she answers breathing deeply, her [Adult Situation here] heaving wildly, while looking into the liquid brown eyes of the Captain.

Suddenly the door to Admiral Nelson's inner office opens as the Admiral steps out into the reception area adjusting his belt. He takes one look at his Captain still kneeling in front of the desk and stuffs the pink, lacey brief into his pocket. "You turned on that television without drying your hands again, didn't you? Lee, why do you take these chances with your life. Don't you do enough stupid things without doing that?"

Lee nodded in agreement as Angie returned with the cup of coffee. [Suggestive Situation] "Would you like anything with that?" She purred at him, rolling her huge expressive eyes.

The Admiral pushed her aside, "Angie, go type a letter or something!"

Lee raised himself the rest of the way up, picked up the coffee cup and saucer, following the Admiral into the outer office. The Admiral continued to talk to him.

"I stopped what I was doing...just to discuss this mission with you." He pointed over to the desk. "I still have those briefs to look over...."

Lee looked over to the desk, covered with an assortment of paperwork and ladies underwear. He raised his eyebrows at the collection of 'briefs' actually lying on the desk.

The Admiral turned from his Captain and looked over at the desk, "Oh, wrong collection of briefs...well, anyway you have an idea what I have been doing."

"Do you need help with all that, Sir?" The Captain asked hopefully.

The Admiral smiled back at him, "No, Lad, I think that I had better handle all this. Now you go get the sub ready to go out."

The Captain sighed sadly and slumped on the corner of the desk.
 
 

[Scene shift]
 
 

Executive Office Chip Morton was walking around the Control Room of the submarine with his clipboard checking out the equipment as they were preparing to get underway.

He walked up to Seaman Kowalski, who was sitting at the sonar.

"Is it working?"

"Yes, sir, it is working." Kowalski replied. "See that little straight line, it's going round and round."

"So it is." Chip answered. "But doesn't it always go round and round?"

"Yes, sir." Kowalski answered. "That's how I know it is working."

"Oh?" Chip answered again. "What is that little light?"

"That little light, Sir?" Kowalski asked pointing to a white spot that was actually painted on the sonar.

"Yes, that little light." Chip agreed.

Kowalski reached up and pulled out the script for this week's episode. He searched through it for a couple minutes before announcing, "It's an octopus, Sir."

"Oh, cool!" Chip replied, looking over his shoulder at the script. "What happens to it?"

Ski scanned the script, "Ah, nuts! We run over it when we back out of the parking stall."

"Oh, that's too bad." Chip added, looking disappointed.

"But there is calamari on the menu for tonight!" Ski added, smiling.

"Well, as long as we show compassion and no waste, that's okay." Chip reached over to the sonar with a large black Magic Marker and drew a large check across the screen. "So the sonar is checked." he stated.

[Adult language warning] "%&$," Ski said, rising from the chair as the XO walked away. He reached into the cupboard overhead and removed a bottle of Windex and Bounty paper towels to scrub off the large black check mark. "I do wish he wouldn't do that."

Chip continued to walk around the Control Room checking out the equipment and the crew continued to pass around the Windex and Bounty paper towels in an effort to try to clean up the 'checks' from this trip out. As Chip approached the radio shack, Sparks stood up and waited for him. "As you can see, Sir," Sparks said, "it is already checked."

Chip looked over to see a large cut-out paper check mark laying on top of the radio. "Very good!" he announced. "Would you like me to re-check it?"

"No, Sir, not necessary. One check is enough."

Chip looked disappointed, as he really enjoyed checking the sub. He started to slide the marker into his pants pocket and then remembered that he had no pants pockets. They had been removed. [Suggestive language warning] "Ah, nuts!" he complained. Instead he handed the marker to Sparks, "Just in case you have to check the radio, again!"

"Yes, Sir!"

"I'll go topside and wait for the Captain." Chip announced.

Once Chip cleared the Control Room and shut the hatch the entire Control Room burst into a cheer. The men rose and congratulated one another. Sparks picked up the mike and called for Patterson to come forward to the Control Room.

Patterson ran into the Control Room to stand beside Sparks as he received the dreaded magic marker.

"You know what to do with this?" Sparks asked, handing him the magic marker.

"Yes, Sir!" Patterson replied grinning.

Patterson grabbed the marker and returned to the missile room at a dead run. He opened up one of the torpedo tubes and threw the magic marker into the tube and rushed for the fire button. As the Magic Marker flew out of the torpedo tube the submarine rocked from side to side from the force of the blast.

An unknown man comes running into the Control Room with a metal bucket, hitting it with a wooden spoon yelling 'left' and 'right' as loud as he can...the crew stumble back and forth as they set off cherry bombs. Sparks are flying everywhere and the hidden gas packs, shoot off fountains of fire, gushing into the room. The men not directly in the view of the camera are throwing objects around the sub.
 
 

[Scene shift]
 
 

Admiral Nelson steps away to refill his coffee cup, while Lee Crane is looking over the collection of briefs on the Admiral's desk. He sighs loudly but is interrupted as something comes hurling through the window to the office and slams up against his temple. He collapses on the floor, [Graphic scene warning] moaning and holding the side of his head. A hidden door opens in the wall and the makeup lady rushes in and applies a liberal amount of catsup directly from the bottle and disappears back through the door as the Admiral turns from the coffee pot.

"Lee...Captain...Lad....Mister...." He stutters through the list of names that he had removed from his pocket...not certain how intense to make this scene, then finally settles on one. "Lad, are you all right?" He rushes over to the fallen Captain and gently cradles his head. Noticing that he has nearly spilt his coffee he releases the Captain's head to sit the cup on his desk. Crane's head [Suggested Violence] thumps loudly against the floor.

[Inappropriate language warning] "%&$@@*^^" the Captain complains trying to get up from the floor when he sights the Magic Marker rolling under the desk. Making a dive after it to capture it, he drives his head [Suggested violence again] into the desk and moans.

[Inappropriate language warning, again!] The Admiral looks carefully at the face of his fallen Captain and begins to cuss. "&@#%*%^$#@" I told them to stop using that brand of catsup, it's too watery. Now I will have to call in the carpet cleaners."

"Yeah, but it tastes better!" the Captain chimed in. He reached under the desk and pulled out the Magic Marker. "I told them not to shoot this out while we were still in port!"

At this point the inner outer office door burst open as Chip came dashing into the room.

"I heard a noise!" he announced looking about. Seeing the Captain lying on the floor, "You have catsup on your head...and that's not even our sponsor's brand."

Lee turned over and held up the Magic Marker.

"Do you want me to check the office?" Chip asked reaching for the marker.

Both men chimed in together, "No!" The Admiral grabbed the Magic Marker away from the Captain and placed it in a drawer filled to the top with similar Magic Markers.

Chip was disappointed again! He looked around the office then sighted the briefs lying on the desk. Smiling at the Admiral he commented, "I am almost finished with the briefs that you left for me."

Lee looked over at the Admiral, "Briefs? He gets briefs?"

"Have to have something to make up for the pockets!" Chip explained. "Besides it's in my contract."

"Contract? He has a contract?"

"You have a contract, too." Chip replied. He looked down at the Captain. "We can't kill you off."

The Captain looked up at the Admiral, who merely shrugged.
 
 

[Scene shift]
 
 

The hatch on the sail of the Seaview opened and Chip Morton dropped lightly into the Control Room. "Captain's aboard" he announced.

Ski looked around from his seat at the sonar, [Inappropriate language warning] "*&%#^&, he's back." Standing he begins searching around the shelf above his station, pulling out a silver police whistle. Blowing sharply on it, the entire Control Room crew jumps to attention and then sits back down.

There was a loud thump and several small noises as the Captain landed at the bottom of the ladder in crumpled heap.

"Captain's on the deck!" Morton announced, standing over the Captain.

Ski turned around from the chair, "Yes, sir, he certainly is."

Lee jumped up from the deck, standing beside the ladder. "Let's get underway." He announced as he started to walk toward the plotting table but stopped abruptly, as he realized that his Annapolis ring was caught in the ladder. "Owwie!" he complained, jerking his hand away and following Chip to the table.

"Shall we?" Chip asked, indicating the chart before them.

"Yes, you first." the Captain replied, as he watched Chip draw something on the chart.

As the men worked on the chart, Chief Sharkey came forward to the plotting table and watched the two men for several minutes. They were involved in a furious game of tic-tac-toe all over the chart. Lee won the latest game.

Chip slammed the pencil down on the chart, "That's no fair! You can draw better and...the Admiral likes you best!"

Lee stuck his tongue out at Chip and then turned to the Chief. "He always gets mad!

"Yes, Chief, what list of disasters do you have for us for this voyage?"

The Chief looked over his list. "I have chemicals in the food, monsters in the reactor room...plant and mineral, we have two torpedoes that will not go off and one cruise missile that will, and I have a mystery murderer aboard and you will be kidnapped and knocked out...."

"We did that last week and I was shot too!" the Captain complained.

"It's in your contract!" the Chief retorted.

"But Chip gets briefs....."

"You want briefs???" the Chief answered angrily. "Ski, get me briefs!!"

Ski jumped up from his seat and opened the secret compartment below his work station, "Knife, AK-7, dead bodies.....Magic Marker? [Adult language] ^&%#%&#." He continued to search, "Ah, yes...Briefs!"

The Captains face brightened up as Ski came rushing over to the plotting table, with several very thick bundles of paper. "....Scopes Monkey trials, O.J. Simpson trials, Watergate trials...oh, yes and the Monica Somebody trials." He paused as he picked up a piece of blue material and then realized it was a dress, "How did this blue dress get here?"

It was the Captain's turn to be disappointed. "I didn't want a dress, I wanted briefs."

"Sometimes you have to take what you get, Sir!"

[Inappropriate language warning] "%^*$$%$$##@! It still isn't right!"

"You need a better agent." Chip commented dryly.

"I'll look into that." Lee answered then turned to the men in the room. "Okay, let's take her out!"

Chip repeated after him, "Let's take her out...."

The Chief turned to the crew, "All right, Meatheads, let's take her out."

Suddenly, there was a loud thump at the nose of the sub. Lee Crane turned to the front of the sub and wrinkled up his face in disgust, "Eeeew! What did we just hit?"

Ski looked up from his seat and [Graphic image warning] at the mess on the glass plate before them, "Oh, that's the last remaining octopus of the Great California Octopi."

Lee looked sadden by the news, "Oh, what a waste..."

"Nope, already checked that!" Chip replied, pulling another Magic Marker from the drawer of the plotting table. He walked over and grabbed the script from Ski. "It says here that we are having Calamari tonight!"

"Oh! No problem then...we have no waste...head her out, boys!"
 
 

........To Be .Continued, end of Part One...stay tuned for Part Two of JUST ANOTHER DAY.