Lee Crane came into the Control Room, tripping over the raised hatchway door. Sparks got up from the radio and went over and untangled the Captain from the floor. "Good morning, Captain. Did you sleep well?"

Lee looked over at the officer, "How I slept is none of your [adult language] business......with all that noise going on next door! The fool kept yelling [graphic adult sexual imagery] 'Hoist the mainsail' all night."

He struggled to the front of the sub, avoiding the showers of sparks and small fires that were popping up from all the workstations. Ski was walking around the Control Room with Chip's famous red magic marker, 'checking' each station. He eyes the Captain, "Special effects are working, Sir."

Lee leaned on the plotting table watching Chip Morton working. "Well, what have you found out?" he asked running both hands through his hair. He used first the right hand and then the left and then back to the right, and so on.

Suddenly Chip, without looking up from the chart reached out with the slide ruler [graphic violence] and rapped Lee hard on the knuckles of the one hand that wasn't busy with the hair habit. "Stop that!" he demanded.

"Stop what?" Lee asked, looking up from the chart and blowing on his reddening knuckles. He had found out in the previous chapter that blowing on the injured part of the body had little or no medical benefit to the injured area. Yet it seemed to work from time to time.

"You are shedding and I'm not sure if it an ocean current that I should figure into the calculations or a human hair." He picked up a longish, curly black hair from the chart. "Either that's a hair or we can move the currents around to suit the occasion." he responded as he dropped it to the floor and stomped on it.

Lee looked over the side of the plotting table to the place where Chip had stomped.

"Why did you do that?"

"Why did I do what?" Chip asked returning the slide ruler to the drawer.

"Stomp on the hair."

"It's a scientific fact [from the Harry Nelson School of Scientific Facts #1045] that if you stomp on any hairs that they don't turn into a monster. We have enough monsters on this show, we don't need to keep having others turn up."

"Scientific fact?"

"Oh, yes! I discovered that by myself after years of study and observation [Harry Nelson School of Scientific Facts # 37]." Chip answered smiling. He was obviously proud of his research.

"And when did you do this research?"

"I concluded it when I was about five. I was going to write a paper on it but the Admiral suggested that I hold up on it for a while. He said that the world wasn't ready for that to come out into the open yet."

"I can imagine." Lee answered smiling. "Well, are we there yet?"

"Are we there, where?" Chip asked.

"Did we find the Bedding Grounds of the Happy Clams?" Lee asked, growing annoyed. [From the speakers the clams start singing, 'Happy Heart" again.]

Chip stopped and looked over the chart, "It's not on the chart so I thought that I would look for something that we could find that was listed on the chart." He flipped over the charts and pulled out a world map and pointed to Winnipeg, Canada. " I thought that we would go there."

[Adult language] "*&^%%#^" Lee muttered under his breath.

Chip looked at him surprised, "And what is wrong with Winnipeg, Canada?"

Lee muttered under his breath, [Adult language muttered-acceptable since not in the hearing range of most human beings]. "We need an ocean to get where we are going." Lee answered slamming his hand down on the charts and letting out a yelp, as he started pulling plotting pins from his hand. "What are you doing with these?"

"Didn't you say I did neat work? I was going to pin the charts up on the wall in the wardroom...but only if you write 'neat work' on them." Chip's face screwed up in concentration. "Maybe I can send one home to my mother?"

Lee sighed with relief as he pulled the last pin out of his left hand, then wiggled his fingers to make sure that they all worked. Both hands were covered with Band-Aids, each with different cartoon characters on them. He looked at Chip, "I like Donald Duck, but Doc is out of them right now..."

Chip reached into his drawer and pulled out his contract, "...page 15, paragraph 3...I get the Donald Duck Band-Aids." He pointed out, smirking at the Captain.

"You get Donald Duck?" the Captain asked.

"Yep, and we are five minutes from downtown Winnipeg..."

"But, Chip, there is no ocean...."

"Yes, there is........" Chip pointed to the chart, then paused, picking up another curly dark hair. "Well, we can solve that problem right now." He opened up the drawer and brought out a box of colored markers. "I'll color the ocean blue and the land green." Chip pulled off the cap of the blue marker and began to color the ocean a soft blue......"to match my eyes."

"I don't care what color you color the ocean, just get us to the Bedding Grounds of the Happy Clams." No sooner had Lee uttered the words, than the clams began to sing over the speaker again. "Would somebody please shut up those [minor adult word] clams."

Sharkey, who had just entered the Control Room from the same hatch that Lee did and seemed to have no trouble stepping over the hatch frame, pulled out his machine gun and fired the entire clip at the speaker.....causing fires to break out all over the Control Room. He picked up a fire extinguisher and pointed it at one fire and all the other fires went out.

"Clams silenced, Sir." Sharkey announced as he stepped up to the plotting table.

"Where have you been?" Lee demanded.

Ski shot up from his seat, grabbing down the script, "He wasn't scheduled to appear until now, sir. Let's see...Sharkey enters the CR---that's Control Room...and shoots speakers...Oh, we have to do that again...we were suppose to use stock footage of the fires."

"Stock footage...." Chip bellows out.

Pieces of film begin to fall from somewhere above and coat the floor with bits and pieces of footage. Chip reaches down and grabs up arms loads of stock footage and dumps it on the plotting table, "Here, look for fires." He yells, giving an arm load to

Captain Crane, who begins to help search.

Suddenly the great boat lurches and Captain Crane's smacks into the view port, dropping his stock footage to the floor before collapsing in a heap on top of it. Chip runs over and ignores the stricken man, pulling the filmstrips out from under him. "Hey, we have to turn this stuff back in."

Lee gets up off the floor and staggers back to the plotting table, [Adult language] "What in the world was that?"

"Red light." The navigator answered. "We are in downtown Winnipeg."

"See! I told you." Chip hissed at him, still searching for stock footage.

"Maybe I should get the Admiral's assistance?" Lee asked, clicking the mike switch several times. "Admiral..."

The reply was immediate, [graphic adult sexual imagery] "Hoist the mainsail, ram the torpedoes....."

Lee sighed, "Am I interrupting you, Sir?"

"Nope, not this time." The Admiral answered, between pants. "You having a problem down there, son?"

"We seem to be lost ...."

"We're not lost, son. We are in a submarine." There was silence, then a brief giggle, "But there is a possibility that the submarine may be lost."

Lee turned to the front viewport, "We seem to be on Portage and Main Street, Winnipeg."

"Wonderful!" the Admiral's voice boomed back. "...three blocks on the right, front street...great little deli there.......hot ham and cheese...get me two of them...a bottle of wine too!"

"But, Sir," Lee answered back. "We are suppose to be on our way to the Bedding Ground of the Happy...." Lee paused, then continued, "...those little things that live in shells....."

"Lot's of things live in shells." Chip hissed back. "And we aren't looking for oysters or shrimp...."

"If you say that word, I'll throw you overboard." Lee warned, "...and get this table cleaned off...the Admiral is coming."

Chip opened the drawer and began to rake everything into the drawer as Lee walked around the table pushing in a few other items. They had just about finished clearing off the table as Admiral Nelson came sliding down the circular staircase. He landed on his feet at the bottom as Chip slammed the drawer closed.

Captain Crane let out a short squawk [violence] as the drawer closed on his hand.

Admiral Nelson walked over and opened the drawer, "Lee, don't close the drawer on your hand, hadn't you got better sense than that?" He walked over to the viewport, "We are in downtown Winnipeg. How did you do that, Captain?" Turning from the viewport he walked back to the plotting table and looked at the chart, blowing a hair off the surface, "No wonder."

Nelson stepped back and took out his AT&T card and gave it to Chip, "Call them, they claim that they can find anyone, anywhere...if they can find that Peter Zorea guy, they can find the Happy Clams." As soon as he said "Happy Clams" the clams began to sing over the speaker. It was hard to hear them over Captain Crane's sobbing.