How the planet came to
be named Euphoria
What we Euphorians do
Some Euphorian traditions
What to do if you have
voices in your head
What to do if you
meet a Euphorian
Wait! How do I know if I've
met a Euphorian?
How to tell if you're
a Euphorian
How
the planet came to be named Euphoria
As stated above,
I'm from the planet Euphoria. You may have noticed I made a little mistake
up in that first paragraph. But, for the less observant of you out there
in computerland, I nearly said Xork. Well, Xork was the original name of
my planet before it was changed. (Duh) The emotional and lovey-dovey men
of Xork protested the name, saying it was.... well.... weird and did not
exemplify (ooooh, big word) the respect that is due to our planet. So,
humoring them was necessary because, if we didn't, they'd whine to no end.
They chose the name Euphoria, which was very pretty, but no one took into
account that, on Earth, it is a term sometimes used to refer to that happy,
high feeling that druggies supposedly get. (Just for all you people, I'd
like to say, in the words of that counselor guy on South Park: "Drugs're
bad, mmkay? Don't do drugs. Cuz drugs're bad, mmkay?") Anywho, that issue
is currently under heavy deliberation by the Her Imperial Majesty, Empress
Xandrea and her counsel. Don't be surprised if the name of this site changes
all of a sudden.
What
we Euphorians do
Well, our society
is kind of like the ancient Amazons of Earth. The women of our planet are
raised to be fierce warriors, while the men are used, to put it bluntly,
as cheap labor. (Sorry, guys) Well, that's not exactly accurate.... You
see, as much as I like making fun of men, in my society, there ARE male
warriors, scientists, househusbands, and other things but laborers make
up the majority of them. Anyway, the warriors, called Dragonriders, do
just that. Ride dragons. (Don't take that with a nasty connotation. It
wasn't meant like that, and you know it.) We find that other types of transportation
are just impractical and polluting. Now I know what you're thinking (And
if you're not, TOO BAD!).... "Isn't the dragons'.... AHEM!.... polluting?
It's gotta be pretty big." Well, we have a lot of farms on Euphoria, and
dragon doo-doo (To put it maturely =P) is good fertilizer. And, surprisingly,
it doesn't smell all THAT much. We use a lot of it for the farms on planets
that we've colonized. But I'll get to colonization later. Anyhow, my dragon
is a White dragon named Aria. She's about 200 Earth years old, so she's
pretty much a baby. Even though she's young, she's loyal, smart, and sweet.
I'm 16, so I've had her for only 7 years.
Well, with all
these warriors around, we've gotta have people to war with, right? That's
what other planets are for! So far, we've conquered Pluto, Neptune,
and Uranus from your solar system, and Kyrnaen, Mrin, and Solst from other
solar systems. And a certain blue planet is open to consideration. Unlike
your Amazons, however, we don't use primative weapons like spears and swords.
Well, we use weapons that sorta look like them, but are used in a totally
different manner. We use laser based weapons, but at the present moment
it's a bit difficult to explain without actually showing them to you. And,
coincidentally, I don't have any on me.
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Some
Euphorian traditions
It is often customary
for girls to receive voices on their 15th birthday, usually 5, but can
be as much as 10. Now you must be thinking: "Voices? How do you receive
voices?" (Again, if you're not thinking this, TOO BAD! Don't spoil it for
the rest of us!) Voices are actually the consciousnesses of petty, small
time crooks. You know, like shoplifters, graffitti artists, Barney impersonators,
Hanson or Spice Girls lovers, etc. And these consciousnesses are stuck
in a girl's head to remain there until they decide to get help for their
problem. Boys get voices too, but they get more big-time criminals. You
know, like armed bank robbers, child abusers, Barney lookalikes, Hanson
or the Spice Girls, etc. They get their voices when they turn 18 because
they need to become prepared for the relative violent and frightening demeanors
of these consciousnesses. Anyway, I have 5 voices. Actually, I used to
have 6, but #6 moved out because he had a smelly, moldy, mildewy infection
on his foot that caused #3 to pass out from time to time and then the infection
spread to his head, so he's currently a test subject back home and under
quarantine. My voices have names, if you're wondering. And different personalities.
#1 is Lorraine. She's VERY talkative, but nice. She was put in my head
for disturbing the peace. Namely, talking too much outside. #2 is Woody.
He's an okay guy, I suppose, but he likes making fun of people. Especially
#1 and #4. He and #4 get into fights a lot. He was charged with stealing
a coffee bean. Sad, huh? #3's name is Besene. She complains a lot. That
kind of whining complaining that no one can stand after 10 seconds. She
was put in my head to whining to a court judge. #4 is the sweetest one,
which really isn't saying much, but she IS really nice. The only one she
is remotely not nice to is #2. Her name is Daria. She got stuck in my head
because she took that tag off her mattress. And #5 is Garrett. He's mean
to everyone, but he REALLY likes to torment #3. He was charged with stealing
a chainsaw and a hockey mask. #6, who isn't with me anymore, is called
Norman. He was nasty and very defensive about his foot. Apparently he had
the infection before he came into my head, because he was charged with
showing his foot to too many people. They're not too bad, but they like
playing the worst songs at the most inappropriate times, so I really do
get bad songs IN my head. And they like yelling and screaming and being
annoying while I'm taking tests.
We're very musically
oriented, as you can see from my name and the name of my dragon. We like
having a whole bunch of singing and instrument playing at parties and special
events. Coincidentally, none of us are tone-deaf.
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What
to do if you have voices in your head
Ok, first of
all, stay calm. They want you to go mad and freaky and go to an insane
asylum. Second, ask them if they want any chocolate pudding. I find that
it soothes everyone down. Then you can talk. Ask them, in a private area
of course (You don't want to make people think you're crazy before you
get to the root of the problem), who they are and what they want. Try to
make them understand that you're among humans, and humans don't understand
the concept of voices. Then offer them some more pudding. If possible,
get vanilla pudding. It rounds out their palette. Don't know how to feed
the voices pudding? That's tough. Stick it in your ear or something. That
should be inconspicuous, right? Now that you're all puddinged up, you can
try to learn to ignore them. It takes time, and they do find new ways of
attracting your attention, but with practice, you can almost totally pretend
they aren't screaming at the top of their lungs and singing Tears for Fears
or Rod Stewart songs. Oh! And don't forget to wish them Good-night before
you go to sleep. It makes them feel bad so they don't keep you awake all
night. Finally, check your birth records. You may be a Euphorian and not
know it.
What
to do if you meet a Euphorian
Don't panic! We'll only attack you if you attack
us... or if we want to take over your world. Try to be polite. Ask her
or him what their alien name is, what province in Euphoria she or he lives
in, etc. Offer them some ice cream, fruit yogurt, or chocolate pudding.
Ask how her dragon is, or ask how his children are doing. Things like that.
And don't even bother trying to protect your mind from our psychic abilities.
You'll just hurt yourself. Trust me.
Wait! How do I know if I've met a Euphorian?
Well, that's a little hard. You see, Euphorians
can change their shape... They could be watching you as a dog, human, bobcat,
opossum, or a lawn flamingo. Our normal appearance, though? Kinda like
humans, but our hair can be any color and we have double jointed knees...
meaning that they bend forwards and backwards. We also have 2 hearts and
can regenerate our spinal cord within seconds. Not that you needed to be
aware of our anatomy. Just idle conversation is all. We also have fairly
large eyes, by your standards anyway. We usually keep that constant in
all our forms. Like stated above, we have voices in our heads. We can also
talk to wolves and, also like stated, we have psychic powers. Some of us
have better psychic powers than others. For instance, I am only subconsciously
psychic (and even if you don't believe all this stuff THIS part is seriously
true. I swear. If this isn't true you can come and find me or send mobsters
over to break my legs). Would you like me to explain my subconscious psychicness?
No? Too bad. I once predicted that my best friend from 2nd grade would
return after 6 years apart. (This was about 3 years ago.) We hadn't talked
to one another at all since she moved away and a week before going into
8th grade, I had the same dream 5 nights in a row that she would come back.
And she did. And another time I was at what you humans call Boston Market
where they call out people's names when they have your order ready. So,
I was joking around with my Earth-brother about what if a lady came along-
let's say Betty- and when she went up we could say "Heya Betty!" (Bad joke,
I know. Believe it or not this was only a few months ago.) Well, the next
person she called up was an old woman named Betty. But when I tried to
predict the next name, I couldn't. Anyway, I know you all are all just
fascinated by how I stayed so nicely on subject. Back to the topic at hand,
the moral of the story is that you know you've met a Euphorian if something
you see, anything you see, has wide eyes, mutters to itself, funny colored
hair, talks to wolves on a regular basis, and/or reads your mind. From
there, you're on your own.
How to tell if you're a Euphorian
Well, you may be able to tell through a number of
methods, though this may not always work. You can check if your knees are
double jointed. Of course, if you try to hard you may break your leg. I
take the opportunity here to tell everyone that I am not responsible for
any injuries or trauma caused by anything I've said on this site. You followed
these instructions at your own risk, dearies. Also, you can listen and
see if you can either hear other people's thoughts, foretell the future,
hear wolves say stuff (This may also include dogs), and/or hear voices
in your head. You can go to a doctor and ask him to check if you have 2
hearts or the ability to regenerate your spinal cord. Were you born with
big eyes or a funny color of hair? That might also mean you're a Euphorian.
Lastly, do you frequently have the suspicion that the FBI or CIA is following
you? It could be... I know they're following me....
Well I hope you enjoyed my little summary of Euphorians,
what to do or how to know if you meet a Euphorian, and tons of stuff you
didn't even want to know about. Oh, dear. Rereading this, I realize that
I may have insulted quite a few people. A lot actually. Oh, well. That's
my story and I'm sticking with it. Believe it. We're here. And we could
be anywhere...