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“I have loved you…
since years ago… I didn’t know how… how to tell you… So-… so… I didn’t…”
She smiled. “I should have… but didn’t. I-… I love your determination,
your… your conviction… your devotion. I love… love your humor… your nonconformity…
your courage. Your eyes… your smile… I-… I’m sorry.” She touched his lips,
as if in remembrance. “I… I’m sorry… that I’m in love with you.”
He shook his
head. “I’m sorry I never told you either.” He took her head in his hand
and lifted it. He lowered his head toward hers. Her eyes widened in surprise
but did not attempt to stop him. Their lips met in a sweet, long-awaited
kiss. He wanted it to last forever. Oh, please, God. If you’re out there,
please. Don’t take her from me. Please… not now, he prayed, tears falling
onto tears on her face. Their tears became one, indistinguishable as to
which came from whose face. Their long embrace ended. They looked into
each other’s eyes. “I love you too, Dana,” he whispered fiercely. “Please
don’t leave me.”
Her eyes widened
once again. She smiled blissfully. Her breaths slowed. “Thank you…” she
whispered, her words barely audible. Her eyes began to close. “Thank you…
for being here… with me…” Her breaths became farther and farther apart.
“Find the truth… for me? …I… I’ll always be with you… I love… you…” The
last word was almost lost as her eyes shut, never to open again. Her head
dropped.
“No… No! Dana!
No, don’t leave me! Please! Oh, God, no! Please God! No!” He hugged her
limp and lifeless body close to his. “Please, no! Don’t leave me! I can’t
do it without you! I… Dana… Dana, no! I love you! Please!” He shouted desperately
and hopelessly. “I can’t do it without you… Oh, God. This can’t be happening.”
He opened her
mouth and breathed into it. He placed his hands just below her bra and
pressed 5 times. He breathed into her mouth again. “Please… you’re all
I have… Damn it, Dana!” He shouted as pressed again. “Don’t leave me! You’re
the only one I trust! You’re my only friend! The only one I love! You can’t
do this to me!” His tears mixed with the blood of her wounds. “Please!”
He tried one last time. “I can’t do it without you!” He finally gave up,
defeated and alone. He gathered her into his arms once more. “I can’t do
it without you…” he whispered, hope gone. His world was shattered
and came down around him. “I can’t do it without you, Dana… I can’t… I
can’t… I love you…” He choked. He couldn’t speak anymore. He sobbed uncontrollably.
His best and probably only real friend was dead. He rocked back and forth,
holding her lifeless body in his arms. He lost all track of time. How could
he find the truth, the answers, his sister without her? How could he ever
go on?
It was only when
a gentle arm was put around his shoulders that he put Dana down and was
gathered into Mercy’s arms to be comforted. She made soothing comments
that Mulder didn’t really understand or even listen to. His crying eased
slightly. He unclipped Dana’s necklace and clutched it in his hand. He
took off his trenchcoat and placed it over her nearly naked body, tears
streaming down his face. He stood, wiping away the tears. He looked around,
realizing he and Mercy were the only ones in the room. Apparently, they
had all left.
He gazed down
at her covered body. “I loved her. You were right… I loved her. And now…”
He couldn’t finish the sentence.
They stood in
silence for a moment. Mercy cleared her throat. “You must have cared a
lot for each other. I could tell by the sound of her voice. The sound of
your voice when you called her name…”
Mulder nodded
solemnly. “Sometimes, all that kept me going was knowing that she’d be
with me… that she’d be by my side, no matter what happened… I don’t know
what I’ll do now. How I’ll go on…” He shook his head. It didn’t seem real.
She couldn’t be dead… He wished he could hear her voice again. Her sensible,
matter-of-fact voice. “She didn’t deserve this. To die like this. To even
die. She didn’t deserve it. She was only here because I wanted her to come.
She thought this case was probably a waste of time.”
“Was it?”
He shrugged slightly.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I had to come. She didn’t have to. I shouldn’t have
asked her to come… but I guess it’s far too late to do anything about it…
“I failed her.
After all the times she’s brought me back from the jaws of death, I fail
her when she needs me most. She’s had to save my life more times than I
can count, usually because of some stupidity or stubbornness on my part.
And look how I’ve repaid her… Now she’s dead because I couldn’t get here
fast enough.”
“You can’t blame
yourself for trying your best. Those test results couldn’t come any faster.
No one could have ever expected that Captain Whitaker was the one. You
can’t blame yourself for things you can’t control. No one can blame you.”
“What about her
family? They trusted me to keep her safe. They believed in me. What do
I say to them? Her mother, her brothers. What will I tell them? No matter
what I say, it won’t ease their pain. Their daughter and sister is still
dead…” He sighed. “What do I do? How can I face them? How do I tell them
that I may be partly responsible for Dana’s death? How do I tell them that
I’m probably just as guilty as the men who did this to her?”
“Does it really
matter what they think of you? Apparently, your opinion of yourself isn’t
much better. Even if they don’t blame you, will you be any happier? Will
you be more at peace with yourself?”
“You don’t understand.
Her mother was close to me. We respected each other. I don’t want to lose
her respect… And her brother already hates me. How could I ever look them
in the face?” He sighed. “They just got her back. Her cancer had just gotten
better less than 6 months ago. She nearly died, but she survived it. Only
to die like this. Just as they were getting over one blow, here’s another,
this time hitting harder than the last… It all seems so pointless. Futile…”
He opened the hand holding Dana’s necklace. The cross had made an imprint
on his hand. “Why did it have to be her? Why not someone else? Anyone else.
I should have been the one to die. Not her. She didn’t deserve this…”
Sirens blared
from outside. “The ambulance is here,” Mercy said needlessly.
“Already?”
She gave him
a strange look. “We called into the town just south of here. It was much
closer… And you’ve been sitting here for nearly 20 minutes.”
He nodded, though
somehow it had seemed longer. He watched as the paramedics came in, expressed
their sympathies, and wheeled her away. Mulder went with Dana’s body, riding
in the ambulance with her. Mercy followed, but sent the officers home.
The two paramedics
sat up front, leaving him alone with Dana’s body. It seemed so unreal.
“Why couldn’t you wait 20 minutes?”
he whispered bitterly. “20 minutes and you could’ve gotten help…” He looked
down at his hands. The chain from the necklace was tangled in his fingers.
The cross had blood and dirt on it. He absently tried cleaning it on his
already dirty and blood-stained shirt. There. That looked better. He gave
a small smile, just as sad and bitter as his whisper. “Had either of us
known that we felt the same way about each other, would it have made a
difference? We could have worked it out… But maybe you were right. It would
have been awkward. We could have never worked together in the same way.
I love you, Dana. Both as my friend and as more than that. I want you back,
but more for need of a friend than for anything else. You’re the most loyal,
devoted, trustworthy, and caring friend I’ve ever had. Going on without
you, working alone, living without your faith in me, your support… It all
seems impossible. For the first time in my life, I’m really and truly afraid
of the future. I’m afraid of tomorrow… I fear a tomorrow when you’re not
there to greet me in the morning.” The cross sparkled as they passed a
street light. “But I’ll go on. I’ll work towards that elusive goal that
we’ve been chasing after. Because it’s what you would have wanted. It was
your last request. And if I betray that, you would have died for nothing.
I would be betraying everything our friendship had come to symbolize to
me. I’ll go on and do this without you. Because I have to. Because I have
no other choice. But I’m afraid. Of what might happen to me without your
guidance. I can only hope that your memory will give me the courage, sensibility,
and wisdom you’ve always shown… I miss you. You haven’t been gone for half
an hour yet, and I miss you like crazy.”
He was tired
beyond words. It was probably the worst day of his life. No. It was
the worst day of his life. And he had seen many bad days. He wasn’t much
for prayer, but that day he prayed with all his heart. Dear God, please
protect Dana now that she is with you in heaven. Please take care of her…
Let her know that I’ll think of her always. May she find comfort and peace
in the arms of the angels.
The cross was
suddenly shimmering with a white light. Mulder looked around. There was
no light anywhere, but the cross shimmered dazzlingly. “Take heart, Mulder,”
and all too familiar voice whispered. “I’ll be with you. Always.” He sat,
stunned, staring at the glimmering cross. The voice seemed to have come
from it. The white light dimmed until he was once more sitting it total
darkness. He smiled. Everything was going to be alright. No matter what
happened, everything was going to be alright. Scully was watching over
him.
“Sir? We’ve arrived
at the morgue, sir.”
The paramedic’s
voice startled him back into reality. He climbed out of the ambulance.
He looked around and blinked. The place looked familiar. He turned to the
paramedic. “What city are we in?” he asked.
The paramedic
looked confused. “Verdugo, sir.”
The morgue at
Verdugo. He had left Scully there to do the autopsy the night she was taken.
He sighed. I guess she’ll never get to snap her rubber surgical gloves
again… Wait… We’re in Verdugo? “How long have we been on the road?”
“Nearly an hour,
sir.” He then took hold of the gurney holding Scully’s body and wheeled
her into the morgue.
Nearly an
hour? It couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes. He followed the paramedics
inside.