Page 10
Luckily, the cemetery
had a flower shop. After being harassed by 2 florists at the same time
for 15 minutes, Mulder finally decided on a large, long arrangement of
white, flowing blossoms with a large, long name that he didn’t attempt
to pronounce along with it. As almost an afterthought, He also bought a
bouquet of white long-stemmed roses and Baby’s Breath. He winced when he
looked at the total. Apparently, with the convenience of the location
of the store comes insanely jacked up prices. He sighed. Taking
advantage of morons like me who forgot to buy frikin’ flowers… There’s
good business for you, he thought bitterly, getting back into the car
with his purchases.
He got back to
the funeral at 10:49 and gaped at the number of people who were there now.
There had to be at least 200 people there. About 40 times the number
of people who would mourn for me when I die. But then, that doesn’t surprise
me. He got out of the car and took the flowers towards the front. He
took a deep breath. Looks like I have to face them now, he thought,
seeing that the Scullys were right by the casket. Bill was the first one
he reached.
They looked at
each other for a moment. Mulder cleared his throat. “Bill, I’m really sorry…”
he began.
Bill shook his
head. “I don’t see how you can even show your face here after what you’ve
done. She trusted you. We trusted you to take care of her. Now look. Look
at the result of our trust in you.”
“I know. I’m
sorry… I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I just… I’m sorry.”
Bill just shook
his head again and walked away. I’m guessing now would be a bad time
to ask where to put these flowers… He looked around the casket. There
was no space to put them without blocking the space to walk. He looked
up and almost smiled. Careful not to step on the other bouquets, he placed
the long, white arrangement on top of the American flag that was draped
over her casket. There. It seemed right somehow.
He turned around
and saw his mother waving for him to sit by her in the second row. He nodded
acknowledgement and started towards her when he saw Mrs. Scully sitting
close to where he was standing. She looked up at him expectantly.
He hesitated
before crouching to eye level and saying softly, “I’m so sorry, ma’am…
I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
She nodded and
gave a small, sad smile through slightly teary eyes. To Mulder’s surprise,
she reached up and gave him an awkward hug. “Thank you,” she whispered.
He then stood up and joined his mother. Mrs. Scully had been smiling sadly
at the bouquet of roses in his hand.
He turned to
face his mother. “Hi, Mom. Thanks for coming. Sorry I couldn’t meet you
when you got here.” He held up the roses. “Forgot flowers.”
She nodded. “I’m
so sorry about Dana. I know she meant a lot to you, Fox.”
Even my own
mother knew before I did. He nodded. “It shouldn’t have happened, Mom.
I can’t believe I let her down…”
“It’s not your
fault, Fox.”
“Then why does
it feel that way?”
“Guilt is a funny
thing. Sometimes it comes even when we did nothing wrong.”
Sometimes mothers
really do have an answer for everything.
The service began.
The priest began talking, but Mulder didn’t really listen to the words.
He was pretty sure that if he really and truly heard what was said, he
would have to use those tissues. And all he wanted to do right then was
get through the ceremony without crying.
A few people
went up to speak. Among them were Bill and Charles, Skinner, and an agent
that Dana had once taught at the Academy.
“…to speak now
is Dana’s partner, Fox Mulder.”
He stood up, placing the roses on
his seat. Taking a deep breath, he took out his notecards and his glasses
and walked to the front. He cleared his throat. Here goes…
“Ladies and gentlemen,
we have gathered to honor the smartest, most courageous person I have ever
had the pleasure of knowing. We had worked together for over 5 years and
addressed each other on a last name basis, but she was more than my partner.
She was my best friend, my guide, the one I turned to in times of need.
I owed her my life and so much more a hundred times over. She was one of
the very few people I totally trusted…” He paused. There was something
he had to say. He just wasn’t sure how to tell the world that he was in
love with his partner. “There are some times in life when you feel a certain
way about a person but you don’t realize it yourself. Dana…” He choked.
Clearing his throat, he moved on. “Dana meant the world to me… I’m sorry
she had to die for me to realize how much she meant to me.” A tear fell
from his face. Shit. Not now. “I only wish I had a second chance.
I would gladly give my life for Dana’s. But I’ll never get a second chance.
I suppose it will be one of those regrets you have to live with for the
rest of your life.” He looked back at his notecards. They were blurry and
illegible. He wiped the tears out of his eyes and tried again. “There’s
a Navajo saying that something lives only as long as the last person to
remember it. I will do everything in my power to make sure Dana lives on
long after I die. People should remember Dana’s unwavering faith in the
power of science and her strong belief in God. Her courage and sensibility
in trying situations, her wisdom and intelligence, her strong will and
spirit. She would face danger or hard times and not let it get the best
of her. I ask that you remember her this way. As caring and compassionate,
devoted and dedicated, brave and practical, wise and intelligent, strong
willed and spirited. Because this is how I will remember her. This is how
she will always remain in my memory.” A few more tears. He hastily wiped
those away too.
“I’m sorry I
couldn’t save her. I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time. I owed her my
life so many times over and I couldn’t save her. I wish I could take her
place… I would gladly take her place without a moment’s hesitation.”
The cards were too blurry to read. And no matter how many times he wiped
the tears out of his eyes, new tears appeared in their place. He had to
go on.
“There is no
doubt in my mind that Dana is in heaven. If there were a place higher than
heaven, God would not hesitate to put her there too. Maybe I don’t deserve
Dana’s place. I know heaven for me is a long shot and anything higher than
that is certainly out of the question. And I know most of you probably
agree with me. Because it’s true. Dana would always reach things over and
above all my dreams and aspirations. I imagine over and above all your
dreams and aspirations. Because Dana would not, could not, be second best.
“She meant everything
to me. She was the best person I suppose I’ll ever know. Despite all my
wild goose chases and crazy ideas, she still respected me. She remained
the best friend I’ve ever had. Just another one of those things I’ll never
really understand… These days without her don’t seem to hold the light
or the potential for great things that they used to.” He was crying openly
now. He knew it was useless to wipe them away now. And he really didn’t
mind crying for Dana. He just wished he hadn’t done so in front of 200
people. “I wish she could hear me now. Because I didn’t get a chance to
tell her all this before… before she died. I don’t think any amount of
words can express what I truly feel…” He wondered if any of that was coherent.
He choked on almost every word. But he was adamant. He would finish this
if it killed him.
“I don’t know
how to say goodbye to her or even how to go on without her. But I will
because I have to…” Taking a deep, shaky breath, he continued. “Dana was
my best friend and was loved beyond words. I just wish I had told her that
before she died…
“I’ve spent most
of my life in search of truth. I know one truth, now. The truth is that
I will miss her with all my heart and soul. And I would do anything for
her to be here now…” He paused. “Thank you.” He gathered his cards and
walked back to his seat. He sat down, nearly crushing the roses. He took
off his glasses, bent over, and began sobbing, his mother trying desperately
to comfort him. Dana’s dead. Oh God, she’s really dead. Why? Why not
me? Oh God, why couldn’t it have been me to die? He could feel the
eyes of everyone on his back. But he didn’t care anymore. His best friend,
his one love, was dead. And he couldn’t help but feel it was his fault.
He finally calmed
down a bit by the time the officers were getting ready to fire. As they
lowered her casket into the grave, everyone stood up. They fired. Then
again. Then a third time. Each time they shot, Mulder felt as if they shot
at him. Straight at the heart. And it hurt like hell. He wiped the tears
from his face. He was still crying, he discovered. He took a deep, shuddering
breath.
“Are you alright,
Fox?” his mother whispered in a concerned tone. She had an arm about his
shoulders.
“Yeah, I think
I’ll be okay now,” he answered quietly.
She nodded, but
still gazed at him worriedly.
The priest said
a few last words and shoveled some dirt into the grave. He then motioned
for everyone else to do the same.
Mulder started
toward the grave when Charles fell in step beside him for a moment.
“I’d like to
talk to you for a moment after this is done, if you don’t mind,” Charles
whispered. He seemed to be the only man Mulder had seen besides himself
with tears in his eyes. Somehow, that made Mulder feel a bit better.
“I don’t mind.”
Charles nodded
and joined his older brother.