Star Wars Top Ten Lists
- Top 12 most astonishing improvements to re-released trilogy
- Top Ten reasons why the Star Wars characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe
- Top Ten Star Wars pick up lines
- Top Ten ways to know you bought a second-rate Death Star
- Top Ten complains Leai has about Han
- Top Ten surprises in the next Star Wars movie
- Top Ten Star Wars-ish things to say when your parents make a surprise visit
- Top Ten hobbies of Darth Vader
- Top Ten surprises in Star Wars: Episode 1
- Top Ten changes that new F/X technology will allow Lucas to make for Star Wars re-release
- Top Ten action figures least likely to be a part of new Kenner toy line
- Top Ten ways Michael Jackson would be cooler if he lived in the Star Wars Universe
- Top Ten moments Senator Palpatine wishes he'd been there for
- Top Ten reasons Anakin Skywalker went to the Dark Side
- Top Ten scenes cut from the Original Star Wars Trilogy
- Top Ten fun things to do on Tatoine
- Top Ten rejected Star Wars novels
- Top Ten ways all movies would be better if patterned after Star Wars
- Top Ten surprises George Lucas has planned for the new Star Wars Trilogy
- Top Ten packaged foods in the Star Wars Universe
- Top Ten crappy Imperial jobs
- Top Ten crappy Rebel jobs
- Top Ten signs that President Clinton is a big Star Wars fan
- Top Ten Signs Darth Vader's Losing His Mind
- Darth Vader's Top Ten Pet Peeves
- The Ten Signs That you are a Jedi
- Top Ten Reasons Not to Join the Empire
- Top Ten Reasons Not to be a Smuggler
- Top Ten Reasons to not be a Kessel slave
- Top Ten Reasons to hang around Jabba's Palace
- Top Ten blatant rip-offs of Star Wars characters
- Top Ten Star Wars Insults
- Top Ten Reasons to Own A Custom Corellian Stock/Light Frieghter
- Top Ten Reasons to be a Dark Jedi
- Top Ten Reasons chicks dig Jabba The Hutt
- Top Ten Reasons it would be great to be Vader
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TOP 12 MOST ASTONISHING IMPROVEMENTS
TO RE-RELEASED TRILOGY
Source: The Uptown newspaper - January 23 - February 5th, 1997
1. The hills of Tattoine are now alive with the sound of music
2. Rebel armada of X-wing, Y-wing and A-wing space ships has been augmented by seven other letters of the alphabet
3. More shit blows up
4. Android C-3PO has dropped uptight Limey routine and now sounds exactly like Pauly Shore
5. Bold new hairstyles for Wookies and Ewoks
6. Faster Imperial space ships with more headroom, side-impact beams, sliding doors on either side and new cab-forward design
7. Yoda's strings are no longer visible (but that whole Dagobah System sequence is still as boring as ever)
8. The Death Star is now on-line
9. Further character development means Luke isn't such a bland wuss anymore
10. Cleaner washrooms at the Creature Cantina
11. All principal characters now carry cell phones and say, "Don't go there!"
12. Dinosaurs - what a surprise!
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS
WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
Source: The Phat Star Wars SE Page
10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7. One word: Lightsabers.
6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
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TOP TEN STAR WARS PICK UP LINES
by: Zutroy
10. "Stop that! My hands are dirty. My hands are dirty too."
9. "I am fluent in over six million forms of communication!"
8. "Hey baby, I'm the last of the Jedi, wanna catch a movie?"
7. "Good morning...nice of you to drop by!"
6. "I am part of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor! Take me away!"
5. "Ah...Lord Vader...ACK!" (chokes to death)
4. "Hey baby...what's that flashing?"
3. "10,000...all in advance."
2. Growl (Chewie's pick up line...or for that matter any line!)
1. "Go out with me...it is your destiny!"
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TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL YOU HAVE A Ph.D IN STAR WARS TRIVIA
by: Zutroy
10. If you can start reciting the script for A New Hope to just to show some one you know lots about Star Wars, and don't stop until 124 minutes later
9. You could re-build the Death Star without blueprints
8. You know who was in the cell next to Princess Leia (cell 21-86)
7. You know the words to Sy Snootles' song in English
6. You can explain why Han used the term "parsecs" as a unit of time rather then a unit of distance
5. You can use certain Huttese phrases in casual conversation
4. You know "who is this" and what his "operating number" is.
3. You noticed that the antenna on Boba Fett's helmet was on the right in TESB and on the left in ROTJ.
2. You can hold your own against those Trekies that try to explain warp drive, by butting in with techincal data about Hyperdrive, and why IT is better.
1. You know exactly which 6 million forms of communication Threepio is familiar with!
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TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU BOUGHT A SECOND-RATE DEATH STAR
by: Dan Hess
10. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port.
9. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
8. It won't go into hyperspace unless you yell, "Engage!"
7. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant next to the power of the force.
6. It was designed by NASA.
5. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.
4. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
3. The "Intel Inside" sticker is starting to peel off.
2. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.
1. One word: "Outgassing!"
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TOP TEN COMPLAINTS LEIA HAS ABOUT HAN
10. Has a big walking carpet for a best friend.
9. Never helps out with household chores or the kids, claims he's in it only for the money.
8. Shoots dinner guests, *then* apologizes for the mess.
7. Keeps insisting that Leia dress up as a bounty hunter and set off his thermal detonator.
6. Keeps inviting Lando over, who stays until 2 am -- talking about his manuevers at the Battle of Tanaab and drinking all the Colt 45.
5. Every Life Day, he takes Chewie to Kashyyyk and does a cameo in a lousy holiday special.
4. Would rather play with his hydrospanners.
3. Still lets that Ewok cling to his leg.
2. He's fast enough for you, kid.
1. It's never his fault.
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TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEXT STAR WARS MOVIE
10. Before the threat of an Empire, the Jedi went planet to planet selling Amway.
9. Originally cast as Darth Vader? O. J. Simpson
8. Death Star plumbing constantly being clogged by excessive use of "The Force"
7. Features big musical number: "Light Sabres of Love"
6. To save on budget, R2D2 is just a waste paper can with a smiley face painted on it.
5. C-3P0 is programmed only to speak in "Gump-isms"
4. Introduces new threat: Kato the Hut.
3. Most of the special effects pulled off with a big flashlight and a talented shadow-puppeteer.
2. In a special funding deal with RJ Reynolds, Chewbacca now called Chewingtobacca.
1. Working Title: Pulp Jedi's
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TOP 10 STAR WARS-ish THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A SURPRISE VISIT TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM
10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty quick."
7. Say to them, as they come in the door, " You've gotta lotta guts coming here after what you pulled."
6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you! (distort your face) Then throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay __________ (fill in the amount)... Have a friend yell "Because he's holding a thermal detinator!" (everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is in sucha mess reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them ... I've let go my conscious self and acted on instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how you are doing in school say, "When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."
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TOP TEN HOBBIES OF DARTH VADER
By: David Hitt
10. Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls
9. Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"
8. Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits
7. Genealogy
6. Using the force to learn to juggle
5. Mortal Kombat 5436
4. Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship
3. Late nights with a pain droid
2. Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma
1. Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet
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TOP TEN SURPRISES IN STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE
By David Hitt
10. Luke and Leia actually a result of Mrs. Skywalker's secret torrid affair with Uncle Owen.
9. Young Senator Palpatine first elected on a lower taxes platform.
8. Special repeat appearance by Jefferson Starship.
7. Darth Vader really did kill Anakin Skywalker; just lied to Luke to gain his sympathy.
6. Anakin's wife to be played by Genevieve Bujold.
5. Aunt Beru actually a hero of the Clone Wars.
4. Mon Mothma used to bulls-eye wamprats in her T-7
3. One word: Pakleds
2. Boba Fett actually Luke's third cousin.
1. Before being horribly scarred, Anakin Skywalker really looked like James Earl Jones, too.
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TOP TEN CHANGES THAT NEW F/X TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW LUCAS TO MAKE FOR "STAR WARS" RERELEASE
By: David Hitt
10. Missing Jabba scene now a song & dance number.
9. Young Luke Skywalker gets to meet President Kennedy.
8. Dewbacks so real-looking they steal the film.
7. Luke will finally yell "Leia" instead of "Carrie" when hopping out of X-wing.
6. Darth Vader suit will now have nipples.
5. C-3P0 now fully functional and programmed in many methods of pleasuring.
4. Lucas now able to add that line where Obi-Wan tells Darth that Vader perceives the force like a spoon tastes food.
3. Can improve destruction of Alderaan scene without blowing up another planet.
2. Puppeteers now able to give Luke more realistic facial expressions.
1. Obi-Wan Kenobi: A founder!
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TOP TEN ACTION FIGURES LEAST LIKELY TO BE A PART OF NEW KENNER TOY LINE
By: David Hitt
10. Jabba's Fat Dancing Chick
9. Bespin Luke with Removable Hand
8. Baby Anakin Solo
7. Guy Who Bullies Luke at the Cantina
6. Han Solo in Borg Suit
5. Bobba Fett with Removable Helmet
4. Trash Compactor Monster
3. Lumpy
2. John Dykstra
1. Bacta-Tank Luke
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TOP TEN WAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WOULD BE COOLER IF HE LIVED IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE
By: David Hitt
10. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable
9. Would not have needed huge effects budget for "Captain EO"
8. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son
7. Could really walk on moons
6. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
5. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of "Beat It"
4. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
3. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic
2. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
1. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly
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TOP TEN MOMENTS SENATOR PALPATINE WISHES HE'D BEEN THERE FOR
By: Brendon J. Wahlberg
10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave
9. Flipping the Tractor Beam back on after Obi-Wan left
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over the Sarlaac
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City weather vane
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft
4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash compactor
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke
2. Showing Wicket what a REAL electric shock feels like
1. "And now, Baby Ewok...You will die!"
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TOP TEN THINGS REASONS ANAKIN SKYWALKER WENT TO THE DARK SIDE
By: Lain Hughes
10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from "Bridge Over the River Kwai"
8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name
7. To impress the babes
6. Kicked in head by bantha
5. Misunderstood name, thought the "Dirk Side" was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict
4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine's seductive after-shave
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones
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TOP TEN SCENES CUT FROM ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
By: Lain Hughes
10. Controversial Chewbacca/C3PO romance
9. R2D2's breakdancing scene on Hoth
8. Seventeen-second belch issued by Admiral Ackbar during crucial briefing before Battle of Endor
7. Entire subplot dealing with Jabba's marital problems
6. Dirty word being spray-painted on wall of Imperial shield generator by adolescent Ewoks
5. Marlon Brando's uncredited cameo as Bail Organa
4. Rejected ending for first movie in which all main characters die in Death Star garbage compactor
3. Glowin' Greedo
2. Six minutes of dialogue during which Mon Mothma had a booger on her lapel
1. Product placement by Cream of Wheat
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TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO ON TATOOINE
By: Lain Hughes
10. Bantha races
9. Racing landspeeders to the Dairy Queen and back
8. Oil baths (droids only)
7. Taunting Jawas
6. Find-the-charred-remains-of-your-foster-parents
5. Sweatin' to the Oldies...and, for that matter, to the current hits, too
4. Checking out the wretched hives of scum and villainy in Mos Eisley
3. Bulls-eyeing whomp-rats in your T-16
2. Fishing for Boba Fett's helmet in the Sarlacc pit
1. Pin-the-tail-on-Glowin'-Ben!
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TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS NOVELS
By: Lain Hughes
10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art of motion picture effects, names it after himself
9. "The Courtship of Darth Vader"
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother Seymore
7. "The Complete Wookie Dictionary"
6. "Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years"
5. An entire book devoted to all the options Anakin Skywalker went through when designing scary Darth Vader costume
4. "Luke Who's Talking!!"
3. A three-volume set documenting the first official crossover with the beloved "Willow" universe
2. "Biggs Darklighter: The Man and His Music"
1. "The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors"
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TOP TEN WAYS ALL MOVIES WOULD BE BETTER IF PATTERNED AFTER STAR WARS
By: Lain Hughes
10. First James Bond movie would have been Grand Moff No
9. Police Academy movies retitled Jedi Academy
8. Due to union rules, a Wookie would have to be standing in the background of all outdoor scenes
7. During Hollywood premieres, midget actors in Ewok costumes would skip up and down the aisles, handing out Raisinets and malted milk balls
6. Van Damme would be eated by a giant space slug
5. Imagine the drama, when, at the end of Gone With The Wind, Scarlett and Rhett discover they are actually brother and sister!
4. Star Trek II would have featured exciting lines like: "Kiiiiiiiirk! I am your father!"
3. During entire eight years of his presidency, Reagan would have worn bright orange X-Wing pilot's outfit and helmet
2. In first Batman film, Jack Nicholson would have delivered best Joker lines in fluent Huttese
1. Lethal Weapon films would have starred Mel Gibson and Billy Dee Williams
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TOP TEN SURPRISES GEORGE LUCAS HAS PLANNED FOR NEW STAR WARS TRILOGY
By: Lain Hughes
10. Luke and Leia named after their mother's favorite talk-show hosts
9. When first hatched, baby Rancors look almost exactly like Barney
8. Let's just say that Anakin Skywalker was no great looker even before he fell in the lava pit
7. Luke and Leia's mother to by played by Shannen Dogherty
6. By federal law, new theme music must be composed by Danny Elfman
5. Clone Wars erupted after unethical scientist filled a tropical island with genetically engineered dinosaurs
4. Part of young Obi-Wan Kenobi to by played by Jim Carrey
3. We'll finally get to hear the lavish musical numbers cut from earlier films
2. If you look closely during the last five minutes of the second film, you can see brand-new Millenium Falcon being sold to Lando Calrissian's uncle
1. Many Bothans will die to bring us these films
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TOP TEN PACKAGED FOODS IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE
By: Lain Hughes
10. Hutt n' Honey
9. Lando "Lakes" Calrissian Brand Butter
8. Bits-O-Alderaan Cereal
7. Bantha Biscuits (not a big seller)
6. Kashyykburgers
5. Kibbles n' Bothans
4. Ham Salad in Carbonite
3. Yoo-Hoo
2. Jabba's Live Slimy Frog Things
1. Chocolaty Palp-O-Tine
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TOP TEN CRAPPY IMPERIAL JOBS
By: Lain Hughes
10. AT-AT jockey
9. Ewok patrol, forest moon of Endor
8. Cleaning the inside of Vader's helmet
7. Emporer's manicurist (must wear asbestos gloves)
6. Valet job parking Star Destroyers
5. Liaison to Alderaan
4. Garbage compactor monster wrangler
3. Interrogation droid tester
2. One of those little toaster robots that hum
1. Death Star Firing Sequence Officer (also known as the Dorky Hat Patrol)
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TOP TEN CRAPPY REBEL JOBS
By: Lain Hughes
10. Guy stationed next to Cliff Claven
9. Cleaning the medical tank at Hoth Base Medical Station
8. Combing the surface of Bespin, looking for Luke's hand
7. Admiral Ackbar's personal masseuse
6. Cleaning the tauntaun pens
5. Monitoring Imperial broadcasts for any news about secret blend of herbs and spices
4. Manually reloading the ion cannons
3. Chewbacca's chess coach
2. Any job whatsoever if you're stuck with a stupid degrading name like "Porkins"
1. Bothan spy
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TOP TEN SIGNS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON IS A BIG STAR WARS FAN
By: Lain Hughes
10. Has requested cameo role in forthcoming Star Wars 1995 Christmas Special
9. Very upset when he discovered he could not appoint an ambassador to Dantooine
8. Hopes to change U.S. Constitution so that the President can dissolve the Senate and let regionalgovernors have direct control over their territories, letting fear keep the local systems in line
7. Almost has the hang of that "choke people through telekinesis" trick
6. Suggested new hairstyle to Hillary: Big buns on sides of head
5. Diverted almost 70% of Pentagon budget into secret project to build him a sail barge
4. Embarrasses daughter in front of friends by standing on White House balcony, extending gloved hand, and yelling "Chelsea....I am your father!"
3. Lip-synched last three addresses to Congress while James Earl Jones crouched behind podium and read speech
2. More and more frequently, he refers to partisan attacks as "Jedi mind tricks"
1. Has had words "Air" and "One" removed from presidential airplane
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TOP TEN SIGNS DARTH VADER'S LOSING HIS MIND
10) Instead of choking incompetant guards to death, now just puts them over his knee and spanks
them.
9) Is now a defense attorney for O.J. Simpson.
8) Is putting together a pay-per-view nude jello wrestling match between him and a Cylon.
7) When rebels score a major victory, he retaliates by saying "Bite me."
6) Hires Boba Fett out to go on donut runs.
5) Announced that his real name is Dick Assman.
4) Has been thrusing the `ol lightsaber, if you know what I mean.
3) Refers to The Emperor as "Senor Pruneface."
2) At this year's talent show, did the "I will survive" number from "Pricilla, Queen of the Desert."
1) Has helmet in party colors.
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DARTH VADER'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES
10) Having to live a good part of my live with the name "Anakin."
9) Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying "I told you so!"
8) Boba Fett gets all the chicks.
7) All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights,
assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a
planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad
guy.
6) The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features
(Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).
5) That damn Energizer bunny.
4) Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.
3) Wiseguys who come up to me saying "This is CNN."
2) When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his "I'm
with stupid" T-shirt.
1)I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.
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THE TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE A JEDI.
If you truly are a jedi then:
10. You can persuade the gas station attendants to squeagy your windows without with just a painful grimace.
9. A man named Ben appears before you when you are in times of need, accompaigned by all his animal friends.
8. If you approach the super market door with total concentration, then it will open before you.
7. Your letters addressed to the home base back on the planet Degabe keep getting returned to some guy named Sender.
6. Home appliances operately strangely in your presence. For example: ...A) your alarm clock emmitts a loud squealing noise at 4:42 every morning...B) your VCR clock keeps flashing 12:00!!!
5. You have the ability to balance on one foot for many seconds at a time.
4. M&M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.
3. Your cat oddly resembles the great Jedi Yoda in that he is green and has large pointy ears.
2.You have had visions that O.J. Simpson is guilty; and you have evidence!
1.You have trained your mind to endure an entire episode of America's Funniest Home Videos and actually find Bob Saget quite amusing.
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TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE.
10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.
9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."
8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedos and always lead to the "main reactor."
7. TIE Fighters have no shields.
6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.
5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.
4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.
3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.
2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.
1. Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!
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TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO BE A SMUGGLER.
10. You might loose your ship in a sabacc game.
9. You might forget which forged ID you just used.
8. You don't like having a slug (Jabba) for a boss.
7. The long hours.
6. You're always in debt.
5. The enemy might know a few maneuvers too.
4. You might be allergic to your 7'3 walking carpet bodygaurd (in other words, a Wookie)
3. You hate people like Greedo.
2. The spaceports stink.
1. If you drop your shipment, you might get encased in carbonite.
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TOP TEN REASONS TO NOT BE A KESSEL SLAVE.
10: Glitterstim Spiders have large stomachs.
9: Pale and blind is not much of a fashion Statement.
8: Governments can change real fast.
7: The pay is absoloutly pitiful.
6: Not too many babes hang around Glitterstim mines.
5: Never leaving alive has become the local motto.
4: If you get left behind, guards have a habit of not coming back.
3: The life expectancy is less than that of Imperial Officers.
2: The ship you came to Kessel in is now being used to stop you from escaping.
1: Having Moth Drool as a boss is not the best thing in the world.
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TOP TEN REASONS TO HANG AROUND JABBA'S PALACE.
10. No jerk-ass bouncers hassling you for proof of age.
9. No pants........no problem!
8. You look like Tom Cruise in comparison to the "regulars".
7. You can take a piss where ever you feel like it.
6. Non stop fun pushing little Jawas into the Rancor pit.
5. Lovely "All-you-can-eat" buffet served every 10 minutes!
4. Taunting Gamorean Guards with "Your momma's SO fat" jokes.
3. Last place Student Loan department would ever think of looking for you.
2. Little blue freak on synthesizer takes all requests.
1. Green hookers!! Green hookers!! Green hookers!!!
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TOP TEN BLATANT RIP-OFFS OF STAR WARS CHARACTERS.
10. Bounty Hunter "Zuckess"....the BORG (*from "Star Trek: TNG")
9. C3PO.......................Richard Simmons
8. R2D2.......................7-Zark-7 (*from "Battle of the Planets" cartoon)
7. Chewbacca..................Alf or Harry of "Harry and the Hendersons", take your pick.
6. Imperial Stormtroopers.....Guards in "Judge Dredd"
5. Yoda.......................Sex Therapist, DR.Ruth Westheimer
4. Darth Vader................Shredder (*from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
3. Any character in "Space Balls" (Mel Brooks may you burn in hell!)
2. Obi Wan Kenobi.............The Wizard of Words (* "Alpha-bits Cereal")
1. Jabba the Hutt............."Roseanne"
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TOP TEN STAR WARS INSULTS.
10. Don't get cocky, kid!
9. You overweight blob of grease!
8. I'll see you in hell.
7. You're a scoundrel.
6. Oh, switch off!
5. Impossible Man!
4. That malfunctioning little twerp!
3. What a piece of junk!
2. You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking nerf herder!
1. I don't know where you get your delusions, laserbrain.
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TOP TEN REASONS TO OWN A CUSTOM CORELLIAN STOCK/LIGHT FRIEGHTER
10. Accomodates for your 7'3" fuzzy pal, you know the one with the attitude.
9. Fits comfortably in the inner recesses of virtually ALL asteriod-dwelling worms.
8. She can outrun entire Imperial fleets with only "a few manuvers."
7. You can be "braver than I thought" too.
6. Twin Quad-Lazer Cannons, need I say more?
5. For some reason the threat of swarming TIE fighters make you giggle like a school girl.
4. Doubles as a great Sabacc bet.
3. You too can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
2. Sure beats the hell out of flying around in a lowsy Winebago with wings.
1. "It's only a model!" (british accent included) Kevin S. Shaw and Casey R. Bowen
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THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A DARK JEDI.
10. Impress the chicks with the size of your light saber.
9. Fry the hell out of your neighbor's cat with electricity blasts
.
8. Get your own Super-Class Star Destroyer on your Silver anniversery.
7. Get to say cool lines like "You feel LUCKY punk?" and mean it.
6. Blow up puny planets like Alderaan.
5. Always get to make a impressive entrance.
4. Be one of the few who can out quick-draw Han Solo.
3. If your son gets testy, you can just cut off his hand.
2. Don't need to take crap from little three feet tall green midgets who sound like Grover from Sesame Street.
1. If you don't like your boss, you can toss his ass off a tower.
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TOP TEN REASONS CHICKS DIG JABBA THE HUTT.
Top Ten Reasons Chicks Dig Jabba the Hutt........
10. Hutt has a damn fine ring to it.
9. Those membranes keep them "wet and safe"
8. Jabba is an invertebrate (~spineless).
7. Dance, dance, dance.
6. They can be near Salacious Crumb.
5. Don Johnson never drops in for lunch.
4. His cook makes a fine frog-thing soup.
3. Jabba is always on the bottom.
2. His stylin' Ubrikkian sail barge.
1. The tongue, chicks dig the tongue.
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TOP TEN REASONS IT WOULD BE GREAT TO BE VADER.
TOP TEN REASONS IT WOULD BE GREAT TO BE VADER:
10. If any salesmen, or Jehovah's witnesses come by, that choke thing might be useful.
9. You get to talk like James Earl Jones, chicks dig it!
8. You never accidently get buried alive because people can hear your breathing.
7. That black helmet hides unsightly blemishes.
6. You can laugh at people who can't use the force!
5. Whatever you tell others to do they do, OR ELSE!
4. If you loose a contact lense on some unknown planet, you can order a search party to find it.
3. Using the force is a whole lot better than getting up to get a snack.
2. Your suit can't go out of style.
1. You don't have to worry about bad habits like nail-biting or spitting.
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