The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo (unfashionable but Oh so cool), my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear?  And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select. -- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

     The Ultimate Guide to Life the Universe and where abouts of chuck keys for electric drills.  

“We used to be the laughing stock of the world. We owe you big time!”    “This stuff really works. After the reincarnation, my own country is not recognizing me!”    “This text will mature even the most primitive life forms into logical and rational beings. Fascinating.”

1. "Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy and  wealthy and dead."
2. Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home.
3. Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motor way is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A.
4. -  "ALL YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THE MERCY OF HELL."
   - "Yeah?"
   - "JUST OUR LITTLE JOKE."
   - "Ngk,".
5. "Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong."
6. Where you got lots of people gathered together, something illegal is bound to happen sooner or later.
7. SCIENCE: A way of finding things out and then making them work. Science explains what is happening around us the whole time. So does RELIGION, but science is better because it comes up with more understandable excuses when it is wrong.
8. You can't second-guess ineffability.
9. Humans suffering from a conflict of signals aren't the best people to be holding guns, especially when they've just witnessed a natural childbirth.
10. "I don't see why it matters what is written. It can always be crossed out."
11. God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
12. Sometimes it's better to light a flame-thrower than curse the darkness.
13. The mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
14. The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.
15. It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy.
16. Five exclamation marks, is the sure sign of an insane mind!!!!!
17. It is traditional, when loading wire trolleys, to put the most fragile items at the bottom.
18. Not matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
19. It is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.
20. If really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.
21. I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve safe distance"
22. This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
23. Never trust any complicated cocktail that remains perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.
24. Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce.
25. It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coat hanger, it's American editors.
26. Everything in life is possible except skiing through a revolving door.

Based on quotes from Terry Prattchet.