"I'll just be a boring Polish potato." --Polish Bob

"I hate latex because it smells so much like semen." --Alex Kritikos

"Damn it, am I democratically gay again?"  --Alex

"So it's like some sort of gay disease?" --Jacob (yours truly)
"Well, sorta." --Travis

Nathan Frye: "You'll be assfucked by Clay and have your dick up Elcock's ass."
Alex: "I thought you said I wasn't going to heaven."

"On the off chance that you're a guy, can we have sex?" --Jeff Evans

"Do you have a sister?" --Frye

"What's the deal with this 'rain' thing?  Just because it's been going on for millions of years doesn't make it natural!  It doesn't make it right!" --Travis Bouker

"It was a long bus ride and I figured, hell, I've got a bottle and a penis..." --Ted (Alex's little brother) Kritikos

"It just fits so well in my mouth."  --Matt Judd

"It's hard to remember when you don't remember."  --Travis

"I was holding it and all of a sudden it went 'schlonk'!"  --Alex

"My elocution is a lot better than it looks."  --Peter "Our Proctor" Schenk

"I'm bored, but I want a cookie." --Jeff

"I'm the juggernaut of pain...I take what you give me, and I throw up later."  --Travis

"Can I sodomize you?" --Jacob

"I wish I was pregnant." --Ted
"I wish I *were* pregnant." --Peter

"Ouch, that was like a big bad-ass sandwich." --Travis

"What can we do with a piece of metal, a baseball bat, and a dirty syringe?" --Shawn
"Best sex ever!" --Alex

"I've got a headache, can I have a piece of medicine?" --Ted

"I don't care if I'm killed, I want ecstasy now!" --Alex

"No, I don't have an acne problem, it's just scabies." --Brian Harries

Alex (to Matt): "I'm going to crush your happiness some day."
Frye: "All you have to do is walk in with no pants on."

"Well, it's started...I got a bunch of weird looks, two 'oh my god's, and an 'aren't you cold?'" --Frye

"No...that guy scares me!" --Angie, Ted's girlfriend, referring to Clay

"I love the taste of Alex." --Travis

"Life makes me...horny." --Alex

"You have nine fucking bananas, and I only have two!" --Alex

"This whole Internet thing isn't fair...Travis gets a girl, and I end up with Norman Bates!"  --Jacob (remind me to tell you this story, kids)

"It was like a high school dance it was so frustrating." --Ethan Good

"When I'm working on a paper, I prefer to be flaccid." --Jeff

"My girlfriend likes to bite my toes, so I named them Marv and Tyson." --Nick

"Beastiality is okay if it's with another sentient animal, like a dolphin."  --Jacob

"I'll have you know, my girlfriend has a voluptuous, juicy ass." --Ted (whose girlfriend resembles a twelve-year-old)

"You know, Clay sure has a voluptuous, juicy ass." --Alex

"*My* mitochondrial DNA and *your* mitochondrial DNA are from your mother." --Peter (to Jeff)

Fortunes Jeff has received in cookies: "You will prosper in the field of medical research," and "Our first love and our last love is self-love."

"70's plus drugs equals Jacob." --Jacob

"Damn Chinese man, what are you doing in my tranquil picture?!" --Jeff

"Lust-filled...like a doughnut." --Mark

"I like girls because they jiggle when I hit them."  --Alex

"I bet Bogdan looks good in Speedos." --Alex

"His pants aren't off!" --Angie, Ted's girlfriend

"We're not sex fiends, penis head." --Angie to Alex

"You look like you paint pictures of Indians." --Clay to Brian

"Little saddlebags." --Ethan

"Take your dainty little ankles, and get the hell out of here."  --Ethan to Peter

"Peter, get your asshole over here, so I can pummel it." --Ted

"So what you're saying is sometimes you don't want to eat beef, you want to eat veal." --Adam to Alex

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."  --Ethan during a gay kiss