Adam H. Miner Takes Over the World at Age 13
- UPI, New York, 1996
A young man in Magnolnia, Texas, USA was today pronounced the undisputed King of the World, Sovereign of the Planet Earth and Sole Ruler of the Entire Planet. In an emergency meeting at the United Nations in New York, an unprecedented unanimous vote of the General Assembly nominated and then elected Adam Miner as their supreme ruler.
In a press conference immediately following the surprise announcement, United Nations president Butras Butras Golly-Golly explained the results of the vote of the General Assembly. "This vote was certainly no surprise to anyone. Although there was some limited debate, mostly due to a translation error in the wording of the original declaration, the vote sailed through the General Assembly in record time!"
"King Miner has been followed closely from his birth to this date, and many felt that we should have awarded world domination last year. After careful consideration, however, it was obvious to all world leaders that we should wait until his thirteenth birthday, December 21, 1996, to surrender control of the planet."
Golly-Golly smiled and relaxed as he explained the history of their momentous decision. "In 1983, a strange star simply appeared in sky. Experts at SETI and NASA struggled unsuccessfully to explain its appearance with no previous record of any such star. It was not until a radio frequency message was received and decoded that the purpose of this new star was revealed. The message, ‘He will be born soon. Make Adam Miner your King’ was repeated at a frequency of 30 million times per second for a period of 5.7 seconds on the afternoon of July 6, 1983. Using the most sophisticated communications equipment available to modern science, it was almost 4 months before the message was successfully translated by the famed French communications genius, Professor Jacques Parfait, who died shortly thereafter of a massive overdose of experimental psychotic drugs."
Teams of scientists, researchers, and experts first verified the findings of Professor Parfait then conducted an extensive search for any children born under the name Adam Miner shortly after the message was received. "We were elated and ecstatic," announced famed Dr. Heimy Dunnaugh, head of the research project, "to receive this kind of funding at a time when the United Nations was essentially broke! We immediately searched high, then low, then high again until we found a baby born in Houston, Texas with the proper name. I can still remember how exited we were to finally find the first King of the World!"
Golly-Golly explained that King Miner has been carefully watched for his entire life, through his childhood in Sugar Land, Texas and Langenfeld, Germany and finally through his recent years in Magnolia, Texas. "We couldn’t let anything happen to the future King of the World!" The final straw in deciding to turn over world leadership was the discovery of the lost writings of the noted genius Albert Einstein in a paper entitled: I think I was wrong - I thing we are all wrong - We’ve screwed it all up - Let’s give it to somebody else.
At the press conference, Golly-Golly revealed the first official words of King Miner after learning of his nomination. As the cover fell, the crowd gasped as the words "Really? Cool!" were revealed in gold lettering on the wall of the Great Hall. "King Miner’s first declaration, assuming control of all car manufacturers, weapons manufacturers and modeling agencies is displayed prominently in our lobby."
Manufacturers of all automobiles which attain a velocity in excess of 200 mph must immediately surrender any vehicle The King finds desirable. Any manufacturer of weapons which produces rifles, hand guns or knives deemed "awesome, cool, or bad" must immediately surrender these weapons to The King. It is unclear why all modeling agencies are now under direct control of His Royal Highness.
In a separate news conference, President Billy Bob Clinton stated, "Frankly, I’m glad to give it all to King Miner. I bet no one calls him a country bumpkin! I wish him the best of luck!"