Building Collapses, Kills Bitch
Building Collapses, Kills Bitch
Local authorities hope Edna Wharton was killed in last evenings collapse of the Parking Authority building. Two employees, who where also in the structure escaped injury. |
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complaining and unrelenting whining add up to aborted rescue effort.
By Hieronymous Jacobin DDB Shortly after 7:30 p.m. last night, the Millard P. Kiajaneweicz Memorial Parking Authority Complex mysteriously collapsed, trapping one woman and slightly injuring two authority employees. Laura Palmerton, 19, and Curtis "Crazy Horse" Harding, 57, escaped injury and crawled out of the wreckage without the assistance of emergency personnel. |
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Police Chief Norton T. Duncan estimated that Edna Wharton, 83, of 23 E. Elm St., was not as lucky.
"Apparently Mrs. Wharton was at the authority to pay a $5 parking ticket and while the building had closed over three hours before the collapse, she was still arguing with Palmerton about the citation," Duncan said. "Hopefully she's dead, nobody could stand that bitch."
Shortly after the disaster, more than 20 rescue teams arrived only to call off efforts when notified that Wharton was the only one trapped in the building.
"It was horrible," Palmerton said. "That bitch just wouldn't stop shaking her old nasty gnarled finger at me and saying, 'Listen here you little hussy. I am not paying for this ticket. No one ever uses that fire hydrant.' "
When asked about the building falling down around her, Palmerton added it was slightly scarier than seeing her father naked with a Cub Scout and less scary than learning she could still get pregnant while taking the Pill.
Palmerton said she and Wharton were in the main office of the authority when the collapse happened. Palmerton said she remembers kicking a bleeding and crying Wharton away from her after the initial collapse began and before she crawled to safety.
"Crazy Horse" Harding said he did not know anyone else was in the building when it came crumbling down around him.
"I was in third floor ladies restroom reading a copy of Hustler from 1982 and thinking to myself, if you know what I mean," Harding said.
Details of how Harding escaped with minor cuts and bruises were sketchy with the only explanation from police being that Ms. April must have used her mammoth mammaries to deflect some falling concrete.
Duncan defended his decision to call off rescue efforts by recalling his memories of Wharton.
"I remember when I was in elementary school and she poisoned my dog. Shortly after that her husband tied a rock to his neck and jumped from the Tallahachee Bridge," Duncan said. "Who could blame him? I would've cut off my nuts and choked myself to death if I had to look at her everyday."
Parking Authority Chairman Wallace Mitchell was unavailable to comment on damage estimates.
A prayer vigil and bonfire kegger are planned to remember Wharton Friday night near the collapsed building.