Lost Hair Band Comes Home, Then is Promptly Arrested
The members of Tragic Hair Day are taken into custody by police for crimes against humanity and gross fashion misconduct only minutes after disembarking the plane that brought them back to America. |
- Not only
were they stuck in the South Pacific, authorities cite them for being stuck
in the 1980s.
By Hieronymus Jacobin DDB Over 15 years ago, Tragic Hair Day disappeared during a flight from Los Angeles to Tokyo. Yesterday they came home - not to a throng of adoring fans, but to Johnny Law playing the role of fashion police. "I don't care who they are or what they did," LAPD Lieutenant Harold V. Dithers said, "Look at what those guys are wearing and tell me it isn't a crime." |
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Dithers was among five officers who met the band at Los Angeles International Airport Wednesday afternoon. The officers were responding to an anonymous tip that four fashion-challenged men would be arriving.
"We were alerted to the impending danger," Dithers said, "And from the looks of these freaks, I'm glad we came."
Tragic Hair Day was flying into LAX from Tahiti, where they were taken to by a drunken fisherman who discovered them on a remote Island somewhere in the South Pacific.
During June of 1984 the four-member band was en route to Japan, a nation notorious for embracing bad music, for a sold out tour of sushi-bars when their chartered plane went down somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.
"It was like really,
really bad dude," said Louis "Slide Puppy" Risblum, Tragic Hair Day guitarist.
"The plane just stopped, ya know, and we like crashed on this remote little
island."
| Risblum added that he was glad he
had packed the ten albums he would most like to have on a deserted island
with him, but was upset to find out palm trees did not have electric outlets
for his record player.
The white-jumpsuited guitarist added life on the island was very difficult. In addition to no electricity or running water the band had to create their own hairspray using monkey piss and their own semen. "It really holds your hair out there, but you wind up stinking like Don Johnson's feet after a day of chasing bad guys without socks (editors note - he is referring to Don Johnson in 'Miami Vice' a television show from the 80s, not the present incarnation on 'Nash Bridges' with Cheech)," Risblum said. |
This picture was taken by the shocked drunken fisherman who discovered the band on the uncharted island somewhere in the South Pacific. |
Lead singer Johnny Decoupage was more pragmatic of the situation: "No fans here to greet us, no groupies to bang; nothing has changed."
The band said in addition to surviving with home-brewed hairspray, they ate plants and insects to stay alive and kept writing songs to keep their never-did-anything career alive.
"We've got like two or three totally bitch'n songs ready to go," Decoupage said. "Songs like, Your Sister Can't Dance, I'm Living on a Deserted Island and Dreaming of You Babe and That Monkey Stole My Semen. These are some shredd'n tunes dude, top 40 for sure!"
A police spokesman said the band could face up to a 10-year prison sentence for the way they look and for back taxes owed to the Los Angeles County school system.
A custodian employed by the airport looked on and perhaps best summed up the day:
He said, "Who the hell are those freaks?"