Crown Thy Good with Cocaine, From Sea to Shining Sea

Originally a goodwill gift from the euro-elitist land of unshaven women and un-bathed men (France), the Statue of Liberty goes on an unprecedented cocaine bender Wednesday afternoon in New York harbor.

- Lady Liberty loads up on blow, while New York junkies swarm the monument with climbing gear. By Hieronymus Jacobin DDB     As a small boy, Isaac "Rugalevich" Rugalevichowitz came sailed into New York on a crowded steamship and cried at the site of Ms. Liberty - 80 years later the statue has him crying again.      "When I first saw her, I knew I was coming to a land with streets paved with gold," Rugalevichowitz said.  "I never would have believed she was a common coke whore."     The ancient immigrant was not alone in his disbelief at the monument's descent into illicit drug use, Rory Jones, a janitor on Liberty Island, also expressed shock.     "Damn man.  That bitch.  I've worked here for over 10 months and she knew if she needed some nose candy all she needed do was call me," Jones lamented.  "That fucking racist bitch.  I bet she bought it from some dirty Dominican."     The New York District Attorney's office would not comment if charges would be filed against the more than 200 year old statue.

   Sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity said a deal is being worked out between the statue and the D.A.  The deal is said to be reducing the charges to a $75-fine in exchange for entering the Betty Ford Clinic and telling the D.A. how David Copperfield made her disappear.

   President Clinton commented from the White House:  "This is a very dark day for our nation... children are shooting each other in school... the latest Hitler desciple, Slobodan Milosovich, is killing ethinic Albinos... um.. Albanians... did I mention I feel their pain?  ahem... and the greatest symbol of freedom and hope we have has taken to using an illegal narcotic I once held under my nose, but did not inhale."

   The New York Mayor's office would only comment by saying, "Perhaps the statue really is in New Jersey."

   In a related story, climbing gyms all over Manhattan reported sales and thefts of climbing equipment were up more than 75% after the Coke Whore Statue story was aired on television.

  Officials from the National Park Service, which maintains the statue and Liberty Island, said more than 50 climbers have either fallen off the monument to their deaths or been taken into custody.

  "Normally we only have a bunch of fat low-level executives and stock brokers come in here to buy some outrageously priced climbing harnesses and ropes for indoor climbing, but today we had every rockhead from Harlem to Little Jamaica in here,"  said Paul Hainey, manager of Climb-A-Rock-Or-Bridge-Or-Something Outfitters.

   A scrawny hispanic man, who would only identify himself as the " el Cucaracho de West 102nd Street," said he knew were the staute got the drugs and was concerned about her safety.

   "I will find out how that giant green bitch got my Peruvian Marching Powder, then I will have my boy Loco Diablo tear her miserable heart out and stuff it up her copper-plated (female genitalia)," el Cucaracho said.

   Lady Liberty refused to admit to snorting the more than 10 tons of Columbian Snow and released the following short statement:

   "I am not and have never been an addict of anything other than cheerfully greeting the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to be free.  My constant nose-bleed, bleary eyes and shakes are the result of an overactive thyroid and have nothing to do with 10 tons of cocaine found on me this morning.  Does anyone have $10 and a stem I could borow?"

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