Loser in Love Leaves Land to Try to Get Lucky

Randy R. "Sugar Rod" Rogers cruises for babes on his 40-foot sail-powered version of The Love Boat, Friday afternoon in Buscuit Bay.  Rogers' pleasure craft, "The Skin Skimmer," is his last hope to get laid.

- Expensive cars, clothes and now a boat can't get a woman into this dork's bed. By Hieronymus Jacobin DDB     The year was 1986 - a year Randy R. Rogers will never forget.     "It was an enchanting evening," Rogers said.  "I was 23 and fresh out of college, she was 16 and in her junior year of high school.  I was driving her home from the prom in my Chevy Camaro when it happened."

    What had happened was she kissed Rogers, who had never been kissed by a girl before.

    "It was magical, I mean, Wham! was playing on the radio, she had covered her acme up with some make-up and bam! smack! pow! she leaned over and gave me a wet one right on the lips," Rogers said.

    But the kiss is where it ended.  Rogers wound up in the hospital after he tried to put his hands down her pants and she maced him.

    "I thought she was ripe for the picking," Rogers said, displaying his social ineptness.  "I mean come on!  She kissed me on the lips and everything."

     It wouldn't be until seven years later that another person dared lock lips with Rogers.

    "I'd really rather not talk about that," Rogers said, now sweating profusely.

     Timothy "Trisha" Bentham was more than willing to talk about it.

    "I was walking along second street, much like I did every night, when this creepy asshole came up to me," Bentham said.  "Well, as we discussed the price I leaned over and kissed him... his hands went straight into my pants.  He kind of shreaked when he touched 'Mr. Happy.' "

    Rogers grasped at every straw to try to explain away the situation.

    "Look, I was desperate at the time.  My entire Miami Vice inspired wardrobe was going out of style and I was coked up out of my mind," Rogers whined.  "How was I to know it was a transvestite hooker?  I'm sure it happens to everyone at some time."

    But the days of trying to jump on little girls and get into other men's skirts are long over for Rogers.  He now is using what he descibes as a "sure fire" method of bringing in the babes.

     According to Rogers, a 40-foot sailboat combined with new personal grooming and the ability to buy beer for underage young women will turn the tide in his war against virginity.

    "I asked myself a few simple questions: one, where are the girls? two, what do they want to do? and three, how can I change for them?" Rogers said.  "The answers were easy -  they are at the beach, chicks dig the beach and they obviously want to get shit faced and go sailing, I mean how many porn shoots are on a sailboat?"

    Rogers said he decided to shave his back for the ladies, noting Sylvester Stallone didn't look like a red-headed monkey in the Rocky movies.

    After three months of cruising the bay Rogers hasn't gotten lucky with the ladies, but he has received three court orders instructing him to stay away from some young ladies and several death threats from other girls' fathers.

    "Hey, I'm not letting it get me down," Rogers said.  "It's only a matter of time before I get some play from the ladies."

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