Chickens Steal Nuke Secrets!
An unidentified cockroach was apprehended late Sunday evening in the Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratories. FBI sources say chickens used this roach and several others for high-tech surveillance. |
- Angered
by the Chic-fil-A "Eat More Chicken" ad campaign, rogue roosters seek a
nuclear arsenal.
By Hieronymus Jacobin DDB While the White House still searches for answers on how the Chinese stole the nation's prized nuclear secrets another espionage scandal has struck. According to a report released today by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, not only have the Chinese stolen the secrets of nuclear weaponry - so have the chickens. "I think I was as shocked as anyone," agent Lowel Franz said. "Following the Chinese situation we did a security check and found another leak." The leak he referred to were tiny cockroaches outfitted with high-tech spy gear; and he added they were outfitted by the Chicken Liberation Front (CLF). |
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FBI sources revealed the CLF is a para-military group started sometime in the spring of 1997 by several roosters who had taken exception to the Chic-fil-A "Eat More Chicken" advertising blitz.
"Damn, I could go for a Chic-fil-A sandwich right about now," Franz said.
Shortly after apprehending several of the spy-duty outfitted roaches FBI agents descended on the CLF compound in the backwoods of Arkansas.
"It was a harrowing day down in Arkansas," Franz said. "They were held up in a chicken coop and refused to negotiate... we had to move in."
During the 22-minute
stand-off with CLF members FBI snipers managed to miss several roosters,
hitting hens on nests and reportedly broke several incubating eggs.
Eventually agents were able to drive the CLF out of their den by burning
the whole place to the ground.
| Franz defended the decision to burn the chicken
coop by quoting from the FBI manual on stand-offs with para-military groups:
When dealing with a para-military group (NeoNazis, state militia groups, Jehovah's Witnesses, Boy Scouts, etc.) it is imperative to handle the situation before the media arrives. Also try burning their compound to the ground. It worked in Waco. - FBI Cookbook p.23 A spokeschicken for the CLF strided around scratching at the ground and ruffling his feathers before explaining his group's actions. "Bock... bock.. BA-CAW!" the rooster said. |
FBI agents claim this Arkansas rooster is the mastermind behind the Chicken Liberation Army, which stole top-secret nuclear information from the government's highest profile nuclear laboratory. |
An FBI linguistics expert translated the spokeschicken's statement to be: "My fellow creatures of God. This is a most glorious day when chickens everywhere can take heart that they now too are a nuclear power. The great-satan Kentucky Fried Chicken and his whore wife Chic-fil-A will rue the day they ever turned one of us into a tasty box of nuggets! Long live the free chickens, long life the CLF!"
During the taken of the CLF compound several bags of feed were seized as well as something Agents are calling the "Chicken Manifesto."
"The book we found there details all of their fowl plans," Franz said. "They were intending to detonate several nuclear devices, including one at Frank Perdue's house."
Perdue was unavailable for comment since he was in court facing yet another speeding ticket.
The White House declined to comment on the latest loss of nuclear secrets, but sources close to the President said it was safe to assume Mr. Clinton would not be having Sweet and Sour Chicken for dinner.
Also declining comment were officials from Kentucky Fried Chicken, Chic-fil-A and Leon T. Kinsley, a maintenance worker eating a chicken salad sandwich over his lunch break.
Franz warned it is possible some members of the CLF could have gotten away, but he downplayed the threat of those rogue roosters deploying a nuclear arsenal anytime soon.
"They're just dirty chickens," Franz said. "They don't even fly."