I was recently watching the local access channel.  Now they most normally only are showing the local bingo matches and them KKK folks, but I saw the show with the lunatic the other day.  There's this guy who talks about them flying saucers and talking weasles and the big ocean in the center of the Earth and stuff.  Well he mentioned how you were a great inspiration in your life and gave out your address.  So I thought maybe you could help me.

 About two months ago I was out tipping cows when all these crazy fucking lights started flashing.  They were blue and red and white.  Really bright lights, it hurt to look.  Well, then these aliens came out and grabbed me.  At first I thought they were the little orange midgets that come and talk to me when I'm by myself, but then I remembered that the little orange midgets are little.  The aliens took me and threw me in the back seat of their UFO.
 
 I thought they were taking me to Pluto or Singapore (one of those far away planets), but they stopped at the local Denny's.  The alien guys took me into the Denny's men's room and took a punger looking thing and implanted a nuclear device in my anus.  I am really really afraid.  When I shit it feels like the whole world is up there and just won't come out.

 I think that if I go to Washington, D.C., they will detonate me and me and my ass will explode all over the nation's capital.  Going to Washington isn't something I'm planning, but I think that maybe someday I may want to go.  The little orange midgets say they'd like to go sometime to see some of their friends that work for the Department of Labor.

 So what do I do?  I tried eating prunes and stuff, but I still can't pass that thermo-nuclear-device.  I'd cry, but my boy scout leader told me that only sissies cry and that I shouldnt' cry just because my anus hurt and that if I wanted a reason to cry, he'd really make my anus hurt more than he already was.  

 Please help me Mr. Jacobin.  I'm really bummed out by the hole experience, if you know what I mean.

Yours truly,

Larry Cristopher Columbia
 
 
 
 
 

Attention Mr. Columbia:

The flake on the public access channel will no longer be giving out my address.  He is currently answering to authorities for the stress he has caused me.

You and your anus are not things I normally want to think about.  Please contact a doctor immediately if your pain continues.

If the "alien guys" really want to cause damage they will not detonate you in Washington, D.C.  Try to avoid important places like New York City and Exira, Iowa.

Tell your little orange midget friends that their friends are no longer working for the Department of Labor.  They are selling velvet Elvis paintings in front of the 7-11 five miles from my house.  They say, "Hi."

Good luck and don't walk around in your underwear in an orbital mind control laser storm.

Hieronymus Jacobin, County Solicitor of Babel, POEE, KSC