back to my pageMad thoughts
October 26, 1999
��� So I know that it's been a while since I've put down my Thoughts for all of you to read, but the fact is, I haven't been thinking much, I� just don't have the time.� As a few of you know my Grandpa died in August, and I can't even begin to tell you how bad I feel about it.� It's soo hard, I mean, I used to go to his house and b.s. with him all the time, I used to have someone to goto the store for and with. � I used to be able to walk into his house at least twice a week, and turn down a soda, cause I wanted him to know that I came to see him, not to get something to drink. � He used to tell me the best stories, about his life in virginia city, for those of you who don't know, virginia city was montana's first state capitol, and was famous for it's gold.� It's a little more than a ghost town now, but it was crawling with more people than new york city (at the time).� Gold is a funny thing, people give up their lives in order to be rich.� I'm still not sure why, I just know that I have an affinty for it, cause how else would I drive into town? The beetle doesn't exactly run on water...Oh how I wish, especially living on the river the way that I do.� My grandpa made the best orange juice, I don't even know how, orange juice hasn't tasted the same since.� He also made the best coffee, I could never drink any one else's, don't know why that is either.� We used to sit in his apartment and talk.� We'd talk about how we wish he was home instead, or how he wanted to take my grandma to Australia before she died.� He would just talk and talk and talk... have you ever had someone like that? He's my best friend, and it's so lonely.� It's really hard.�� We used to talk about anything, he always helped me out. I haven't been to his grave since, I feel kinda bad about it, and I dream everynight, sometimes it's happy, and sometimes it's sad. � In the meantime, I goto his house and pick up his yard, cause he hated to see things lying around. He hated it if his lawn was too long, or if it was dying... Dying, what a sad and dark word.� I've only seen two dead people in my life, my grandmother, and the worst thing about it was, she looked the same dead as she did alive, and my aunt. � It was weird.� It seemed the longer I looked, the darker she got, the more black that she became.� I remember when my mom came to tell me that my grandpa was gone, she couldn't hide it.� I stayed at Mikes for the night, and she just came in and said I'm sorry.� Those words don't really mean much.� My grandpa, my best friend is gone.� I felt so bad, I should have been there with him.� I should have stayed.� I told him that I'd be back, but I didn't go.� Why didn't I go??? � He was always so happy to see me, he would say hi nell, or shell, he always confused my cousins nick name and mine. We used to go to dinner together, in his building, and if there wasn't room for both of us at a table, he would say oh well, and not sit with his friends, and we'd sit together, and he'd make sure that I would eat every last bite of dinner, and make sure that I ate desert too.� He was at the battle of the bulge in wwII.� He never really talked all that much about it, but then, I don't think that many who did survive the war did. My grandpa was very meticulous about his appearance, he was always shaved, even during his last days he couldn't stand being with our his razor. He always had a little comb in his pocket, and everything was always very clean.� He used to let me use his bathroom when I was to meet a new date... He met more of my boyfriends than my parents did.� I would go to his house everyday after drivers ed, and we'd eat breakfast together.�� Always eggs and toast, and cereal, corn flakes I think.� He always had a & e on the tv, and he always denied that he'd been watching "that idiot box".� He would fall asleep in his chair, and I'd walk in, and read the paper, and he'd just talk with me.� He had a belt buckle collection, he must have had 150 buckles, about 5 months after he moved into the waterford, we set them up in his living room, and everyone had to come in to see gil's buckles, he was so proud of them, I was supposed to get him a montana tech buckle for father's day, but I never did, I dont' know why. I tried to set them up in the way he had them on his wall at home, but I could never get it just right.� He loved vegetable juice, I would goto the IgA at least once a week to get him some.� He had all our pictures up.� He was so proud that everyone of his grandkids graduated from highschool.� He was so happy that I was going to college, and that my brother was in the service, and that my sister was doing both.� The last time he drove, he drove with me, we had to go uptown to get a battery put into his wrist watch, he drove better that time than any other time since.� He didn't want to drive home though, he made me drive, I don't know why.� I mean, he was doing fine. It's so hard, I miss him so much, and everyone tells me that I have to move on, but how? I have such strange dreams, he's sometimes in them, and sometimes it's just his presence I feel.� I dreamed one night that they had to move his grave into the city, and he and my grandmother were sitting on their gravestone, I invited them both inside, but they couldn't leave,� I tried to bring him dinner, but all I had was chicken, he hates chicken.� He said to me, look I can dance, do you want to dance?� I don't have any damn cords to drag around.� No more damn cords.� I had a dreams last night, but I don't know what it was about, or even who was in it.� I think he was there, I dont' really know, it wasn't a happy dream though, and I haven't slept well since.� I fear sleep now, just as I did a year ago.� I really hate that, and I hate missing him so much.� I � love him, ya know.� I don't know about the rest of you, but, he was real special... The great thing was that he loved me too, and neither one of us was afraid to say so...
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