But I should have known it would end disastrously, for I had to pick her up from the metro station instead of the opera house-too many frics! So, I suppose I shouldn't have killed Carlos but the bastard deserved it! Good God, what a sorry specimen of humanity he was, and allied with that Carlotta woman, to boot!
But I had to get Roberta out of Paris somehow! And then the little workaholic balked at my offer to take her to the country! My God, you'd think she's jump at the chance to visit the Bocage, as knowledgeable as she is about French history and her deep Catholic faith! And here, all she does is argue with me! I thought Catholics like her were more compliant!
And the long drive here to Vouvant-rain nearly all the way from Paris and heavy rain here. So heavy I could hardly see the road! And while I admit sleeping in a car isn't the same as sleeping in a bed, I fully expected her to sleep all the way here. Instead, she kept waking up and it was almost as if I had a small child always asking me, "Are we there yet?"
Well, she made up for it on Saturday-did she ever! Good God, it was all I could do to wake her up! Then, I thought playing some tunes she might recognize would put her more at ease. Instead, I thought she'd burst into tears when I played the "Ashokan Farewell"!
And our picnic! Of all the disastrous events, that was nearly the worst! She liked the food I packed and she loved the locale, but the rain nearly ruined everything! And afterwards was even worse! The chat we had was lovely, but I should never have let her take that food downstairs. I had forgotten about that painting I had of Christine. Celeste was right-I should have burned that long ago! Everything was going so well-I hoped Roberta would never guess my secret but I should have known better! She nearly guessed it months ago when she asked if I knew Tomislav Dubrovnik. Knew him?! He's me!
Then, disaster! She found out my secret and as usual, I over-reacted. I pushed her around and into my piano, which I shouldn't have done. Nor should I have told her about Carlos. Nor should I have threatened her. But, I really can't blame her actions-I was really out of control.
I only wish I could find her and tell her that her kiss made all the difference. After losing Christine, I thought I could never love another, but I was wrong. Roberta's kiss touched my heart in such a way that I thought it would never be touched. And now, I miss her-God, how I miss her! She was my last chance for happiness and all I could do was threaten her! How stupid could I be?
Then she ran off! I couldn't find her even though I chased her into the woods. I got my car stuck in the mud in the process of chasing her down. Of course, I didn't help matters any by getting mad at her. To be honest, I couldn't decide whether to kill her or seduce her! If it hadn't been for her kiss, I probably would have killed her. Instead, all I managed to do was to frighten her and drive her away!
God, how I miss her! I managed to find one of her shoes in the mud in the field before it got dark and the mate to it in the bushes yesterday. God, it seems so long ago and yet, it was only yesterday that I lost her! After the sun went down Saturday night, I returned to the woods with a flashlight and spent nearly four hours looking for her. I finally gave up after midnight but resolved to look for her once it got light. And, at a little after six yesterday morning, I was at it again, but all I could find was her other shoe and the place where she may have spent the night, for I found the button to my shirt next to a pine tree on the other side of the foot bridge. Then, at about noon, I gave up altogether and decided to get my car out of the mud. Somehow, I don't think Francois Bonchamps (no relation to the Vendeean leader) would like my car in his field! At any rate, with the help of his son, I got it out of the mud and back on the road and after a short stop at Bressuire to clean the car and get the mud out from the undercarriage, I was on my way again. I stopped at Tours at about six to fill the car with gas and asked the station attendant if he had seen Roberta but he claimed he hadn't, of course! Indeed, he may not have, for the fool left his WC unlocked and I'm certain Roberta had been there, for when I went back there later, I found my mother's cameo brooch next to the sink as well as several water spots on the floor. How anyone could miss hearing the water run as much as it must have for Roberta to clean herself up (and I'm nearly certain that she did so right there!), and not even investigate the cause of the water running, is beyond me!
At any rate, I'm certain I missed Roberta on the road to Paris and I know she had to come back to Paris, for where else could she go? She has no family here in France, and the family she does stay with, lives in Paris, although they were on vacation at the time. I didn't know if she had her key to the apartment with her or not but I knew she'd have to return sometime, so I left a note for her. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me-I know I frightened her and I'm truly sorry for having done so. Then, I thought of something-she said something about seeing Celeste, so I went over to Celeste's office this morning, in hopes she had seen Roberta.
No such luck! Celeste was surprised to see me, for she hadn't seen me since I left prison five years ago-Thank God, I'm out of that hellhole! Then, she expressed her displeasure that I was in Paris at all! Where else does she expect me to live?! When I asked her that, she became livid. In Vouvant, of course! Just as I had agreed to do, she responded. Then, she wanted to know if I was in trouble. When I asked her why she asked, she answered that the only time she ever saw me was when I was in trouble. She knows me all too well!
After I explained to her that I was looking for Roberta, she exclaimed, "Erik, I'm not in the business of looking for missing persons! Now, if you know Roberta, that means that you've been in Paris for some time. If you want me to continue to represent you, you'd better come clean, now!"
I meekly bowed to her demands and told her of my quarrel with Roberta but I said nothing about anything else, which was just as well, for after I finished my story, she exclaimed, "I'm taking you back to Vouvant right now, mister, before you get yourself into any more trouble! Good God! Don't you realize that she could have you charged with assault and harassment? You could go back to prison for that alone! Is that what you want? I didn't think so! We're leaving right now, and don't argue with me! You know I'm right!"
I did as she demanded. She followed me to the car rental office and dropped off my car, and then we left for Vouvant in her car. She didn't say a word to me during the entire trip, and to tell you the truth, I would have rather endured her acid tongue than that oppressive silence!
After we got to my cottage, she called the village doctor, for we had driven five hours non-stop and she somehow knew my blood sugar count was bad. Then, she cooked a meal on my wood stove and left me under the good doctor's care and went back to Paris.
It's just as well that she did. My blood sugar count was very low, I hadn't eaten anything nearly all day, I was exhausted from looking for Roberta and to make matters worse, I had blisters on my heels and my ankles. The doctor bandaged my feet and gave me orders to go to bed, so here I am, upstairs in the same bed Roberta slept in, writing this by the light of the kerosene lamp.
Roberta, forgive me! I'm so sorry I lost my temper! Please forgive me! I miss you so!
Tuesday, 3 August, 2002
Went to the Farmers' Market today and picked up some vegetables.
Feeling much better now that my feet have healed (sorry about the pun,
it wasn't intended!). I really enjoy writing in English-no wonder
Roberta loves her native language-it's so easy to play with! Speaking
of Roberta, I know I promised Celeste that I wouldn't try to find her,
but I miss Roberta so! It's not just her kiss, it's the conversations
we had and the lessons I gave her. Speaking of which, I know she's
going to need more lessons if she wants to sing in the chorus. Now
that Carlotta is gone, there's more possibilities for Roberta!
Thursday, 11 August, 2002
Walked to Vouvant this morning and hitched a series of rides to Paris.
Since I wore my burn mask, most of my drivers thought I had been badly
burned. All looked upon me with pity and only one bothered to ask
about my burns. No matter! I'd rather have their pity than
their scorn, which I would surely have if they knew the truth about me.
When I got to the opera house, I was in for a nasty surprise. I found
it hell getting into the place the usual way and then, after getting Buquet
alone, I found out why. Now, I know I should have killed Carlotta
when I killed Carlos! That bitch fired both the managers and Roberta,
and the rest of the company decided to quit rather than work under her!
I can't say that I blame them! She's totally incompetent and doesn't
know how to run a company at all! And the operas she's chosen for
this season-all modern pieces and not one of them sounds like a damn!
Who wants to listen to that garbage? Certainly not I!
When I asked Buquet where Roberta had gone, he didn't know, only that she had left abruptly after talking with Carlotta. Then I asked him if he had heard from Roberta and he said he hadn't. He sounded as worried as I was. Then, he said something strange-he said I was the third person that day to ask about Roberta, and when I asked him to elaborate, he said first an American of color had been asking about Roberta, and when Buquet asked why he was looking for her, the man said that the American president was rounding up all expatriates and having them shipped back to America. The second person to ask about Roberta was none other than her former husband, who let it be known that he was furious that she no longer sent money to her children. Buquet finished by saying that he could understand M. Martin's fury if the children were young, but these "children" were nearly grown and could take care of themselves. Then Buquet confided that he was sure that Martin was using Roberta's money for himself. Unfortunately, I couldn't agree more.
Then, I thought of something-if I didn't want to be found, where would I go? Certainly not to Paris, or even any of the major metropolitan areas in France. The Jura? The Alps? Massif Central? They're all pretty rugged and sparsely populated, but are they rugged enough? The Alps aren't but the Jura might be. Massif Central, then? No, too many American expatriates-she wouldn't want to endanger them or herself. The Jura, then? Maybe. But if I really wanted to hide, really didn't want to be found, where would I go? The Jura really aren't rugged enough to hide in but the Pyranees are. And they are rugged! So rugged that they kept the Moors out of France for the most part during the Middle Ages. After all, Roland, Charlemagne's right-hand man gave his life to keep the Moors out. Isn't that what the "Song of Roland" is all about?
Yes, that's where Roberta must have gone! But, does she know that three men are on her trail? One of us is bound to find her, for if I can figure out where she's gone, so can the others. I just hope I'm right and that I'm not too late!
Friday, 12 August, 2002
I got the last of my supplies and hit the road late last night.
Getting food and hiking gear was not a problem, but getting enough insulin
for a month and then trying to find a way to carry it in my backpack was
a challenge to say the least! Of course, I can get more if I need
it, but whatever chemist's shop I stop at will have to call my doctor in
Vouvant. I'm not as concerned about my medicine as I am about my
food supply. I hope I packed enough for myself and Roberta.
I am confident that I'll find her, but will I find her in time? There's
talk on the street that Le Pin has given in to President R. as well as
the ultra-nationalists in his own party, to deport all Americans regardless
if they are French citizens or not. It's said that President R. used
her feminine charms on Le Pin to get her way. It's funny-I never
thought a woman as strident as that woman could possibly have any charm
whatsoever, but I forgot that Lady Thatcher is quite charming as was Jeanne
Kirkpatrick and Ms. Rice, the latter two women murdered (it is said) on
President R's orders. With President R having the reputation of being
ruthless to her perceived enemies, I am very worried about Roberta and
want to make sure I get to her first.
Monday, 30 September, 2002
I've been here in the Pyranees for almost six weeks now, and no sign
of Roberta. I started my quest at Saint-Jean-de-Luz, right on the
Atlantic coast, just south of Biarritz, and have been working my way east
and south across the mountains. It's been a long sojourn and so far,
I've only gotten as far as Hasparren. I don't know which is more
impenetrable-the mountains or the Basques who inhabit this wilderness!
If I'm right about Roberta, she couldn't have chosen a better place to
hide! The locals simply aren't interested in cooperating with anyone
from the outside world and the terrain is the most rugged that I have encountered.
I'm glad I remembered to bring sturdy hiking boots-this is no place for
sneakers!
Sunday, 13 October, 2002
My search is simply taking too long-too many isolated valleys and too
many places to hide. After getting a map of the Pyranees, I decided
to eliminate the most rugged locales and concentrate my efforts on searching
more accessible sites-those places that Roberta would be most likely to
hide. I simply don't have the equipment or the health to search every
nook and cranny of these mountains! I just hope that the others on
her trail are more willing to search every cave and outcropping and that
I haven't been slowed too much in my search.
Thursday, 31 October, 2002
I found a place on the map that Roberta may have gone to, to take refuge.
It's isolated and yet accessible by foot or car. The only question
is-am I too late? If I can find this place, so can the others.
I never thought of myself as a believer, but if I find Roberta alive, I
promise to at least give the argument for the existence of a Supreme Being
some consideration.
Sunday, 10 November, 2002
I found Roberta alive, and none too soon! If there is a god,
He was with me earlier this week. I found Roberta alive a week ago
Saturday, and I must say again, none too soon, for not only had I found
her, so did the others. I was forced to kill Roberta's former husband,
as he was aiming a rifle right at her place. And, as for the others,
there were several armed personnel scouting around the area where she had
hid and again, I was forced to kill two of them, as they too, were
aiming their rifles at her. Now, I didn't kill all of these men at
once. I came upon her former husband quite by accident. It
was just before dawn, and I noticed a civilian dressed in hunting gear,
crouched among the rocks above a make-shift shelter, aiming a hunting rifle
at the shelter. If I had not heard the man mutter, "This will teach
you to cheat me!" I probably wouldn't have known who he was. He was
a handsome one-tall, muscular, with straight jet-black hair. Under
different circumstances, it would have been regrettable to cut his throat.
As it was, watching his life ebb out of him into a pool of blood was strangely
pleasurable. Garroting two of the armed personnel was also pleasurable,
perhaps because I knew I was doing this to protect Roberta. I stripped
both men of their uniforms and boots and put the items into my backpack
before dragging her ex's body and placing it with the others, and then
moving quickly and silently to the hovel that had been Roberta's home for
the past three months and waking her. She was shocked and terrified
to see me, which was understandable under the circumstances. Then,
pausing only to grab some of her clothes and putting them into her backpack,
I got her to leave with me and not a moment too soon! After forcing
her to leave her shelter and making her walk among the rocks, I got her
to safety in silence, and then, pointing down to where she had stayed,
we watched the uniformed ones burn her place and scatter in all directions,
looking for her. Fortunately for us, they found the decoy I had made
with the three bodies. I say it was fortunate because it gave us
time to escape and she didn't have to look at my handiwork-there are some
things in life a woman shouldn't see!
Then, from there, we made our way through the mountains into northern
Spain, and from there to Portugal before finding refuge at Fatima.