Jokes Collection

Musican Madness 

Teacher: Why did Tchaikovsky write this piece in four flats?
Garry: He has to move house three times while he was composing it.

Tuner: I've come to tune your piano.
Mr Smith: But I didn't send for you.
Tuner: No, your neighbours did.

Dan: What's the best birthday present for a little boy?
Stan: Well, a drum takes a lot of beating.

What sort of music did Hengist and Horsa play? - The Anglo Saxonphone.

What's musical and very useful in a supermarket? - A Chopin Liszt.

Cops and Robbers 
 

A policeman saw a little girl walking along the street dragging an old scrubbing brush on a piece of string and saying, "Walkies!".
"Nice dog you've got there, kid," said the kindly policeman, stooping to pat the brush.
The little girl gave gim a look of purest scorn.
"That isn't a dog!" she said. "It's an old scrubbing brush!"
"Sorry," said the embarrassed policeman, and walked on.
As soon as he had gone the little girl bent down and stroked the brush. "That fooled him, didn't it, Fido!" she said.

Stan: What's that lady copper doing up a tree?
Dan: She's working for the Special Branch.

Stan: The police are looking for an Irishman with one eye called Murphy.
Dan: What's his other eye called?

Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? - A convict!

What do you call a person who breaks into a shop and steals all the bacon? - A hamburglar. And what do thieves eat for dinner? - Beefburglars.

Why hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal? - It has too many locks.

Policeman: Sorry, son, you'll need a permit to fish here.
Harry: No thanks, i'm doing pretty well with a worm.

Who was the biggest robber in history? - Atlas - he held up the world.

Two convicts were sewing mailbags in prison.
"I shouldn't be here," said one. "I committed the perfect bank robbery, got $100,000 then i made my big mistake."
"What did you do wrong?"
"I stayed to count the money."

Dolly: If I dug a hole in the middle of the park, what would come up?
Polly: Probably a policeman.
 

Up with School 

Harry: I don't think my woodwork teacher likes me much.
Garry: What makes you think that?
Harry: He's teaching me to make a coffin!

Harry: Mum, I'm too tired to do my homework.
Mum: Don't be silly - hard work never killed anyone yet.
Harry: But why should i risk being the first?

Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it?
Debby: My dad's waistcoast has nine buttons but he can only fascinate.

Teacher: If I had fifty apples in my right hand and thirty apples in my left hand, what would i have?
Debby: Big hands.

Teacher: You mustn't fight, Harry. You should learn to give and take.
Harry: I did, sir. He took my Mars bar and i gave hime a black eye.

Teacher: What do you know about Dead Sea?
Garry: I didn't even know it was ill?
 

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