Okay, here's the deal. You must all email me with your problems and situations that you want me to address. I will post the letters up on this page and include my response, so don't include things that you don't want everyone to see or make a special note of it in your email to me. Email me at [email protected] now, you jackass! I'll be waiting and remember, I care about you.
Dear Mr. Black
I am quite concerned about a friend of mine. Today he has gone through a HORRIBLE trauma. He
happens to be the boy I spoke of in my last letter to you..(it was about the girl that was
haveing difficulties with this vulgar "surrey manwhore").....Well, my friend (the boy) suffered
an un-called for (and DISGUSTING) move from another girl in our Band class today. He had to stay
in the Old-gym at LSS and put up the lights for Tommorow's swing dance. He needed help and our
teacher appointed another female to help him. Well...the job was done fast. My friend
acknowledged that it was time to leave, and the girl suggested that they *direct quote* "fuck
around for a half hour". My friend said no, and turned to pick up his bag, when he turned back,
the girl had taken off her shirt and was standing there, looking at him. My friend just took off
back to class. I bet you are thinking "what the fuck is wrong with the guy?".
HE DID THE RIGHT THING.......this girl happens to be overweight, but I think she is totally
oblivious to it. Now, I am not saying there is something wrong with being over weight......but
when people can see your weight, that is just WRONG!!! This girl happens to be dressed in very
badly mis-matched-too-tight-too-small clothes. I am concerned for my friend. I would like to
know of something to help him through this TRAGIC POKEING OUT YOUR EYES ordeal.......any thing
you could suggest for him to get rid of the awful image would help tremendously.
Signed, Vulgar Display Victim
Dear Vulgar,
Hmmm....I must say that your story reminds me of a blind date I had once with an overweight woman,
whom my brother had set me up with. I took her to a steakhouse that I thought she would enjoy and
was embarassed greatly by her very shortly after arriving. We were ordering our meals and she ordered
a steak. When asked how she wanted it, she replied (direct quote): "Just smack the cow on the ass and
send it on in. I'll grab me a chunk as it runs by." I believe I passed out at this comment and awoke
some time later in a hotel room with no clothes on. .... I'm sorry. It's a really difficult memory for
me. Anyways, I believe that your friend needs to send this girl a message. Why not try subtle clues,
like yelling "HERE PIGGGY! PIGGGGY, PIGGGY, PIGGGY! OINK, BABY!! YEAH!!!" , everytime he sees her. Well?
Give it a try.
Mr.Black
Dear Mr. Black
I have this friend, who keeps gettin hit on by a certain "surrey Manwhore"....she is tied of him
making jokes about her boobs, and tired of him trying to find simple yet obnoxious ways to touch
her...He makes quite a spectacle of it when he bumps into her, as in, he starts to like hump her
or something.....AND, i also find it highly annoying cuz I have a certain instrument playing
class with both of them and he is always doing something to her.....
please help me figure out how to murder him, or just give me some advice i can relay to my
friend..which ever is easiest
signed, Vulgar Display Victim
Dear Vulgar,
I'm very sorry to say that I'm seeing quite a bit of the symptoms that you have described in many
of my patients. It seems that Surrey is putting enough restrictions on their "manwhores", if you will,
and this is causing people from other places great discomfort. I'd say that one of the best solutions
is for your friend to become a man herself. Of course, there is the easier solution of simply cutting
the underwear ads out of the Sear's catalogue and throwing them in his general direction. He should
become so distracted by this that your friend will have ample time to escape or to hit him over the
head with her instrument, whichever she prefers.
Mr.Black
you know how the old saying goes, if you have big feet, you are big elsewhere? well, it turns
out my boyfriend has huge feet, but im bigger than him. are there any seeds or anything that i
can sprinkle on his gear to enhance our sex life? or am i screwed? no pun intended.
signed not enough loving
Dear Not,
I'm afraid that you have the saying confused with some porno that you watched at some time or
another. The real old saying is, "If you have big feet, you need big shoes." However, speaking
of screwed, have you ever thought of using other parts of your boyfriend to pleasure yourself.
He does have large feet. As for something to sprinkle on his gear, I hear that Jack grew himself
a mighty fine stalk with some magic beans. The only question is do you have a cow?
Mr.Black
hi mr black.
my question is simple. my boyfriend cant get it up. please help.
signed DiPsTiCk
Dear DiPsTick (if that is your real name),
Your boyfriend is suffering from what is known as erectile dysfunction, which is no laughing matter. I have
recently heard of a new solution on the market to help out with such problems. This solution can be found
at your local street corner. I personally suggest sending your boyfriend to the corner of 200th and 48th with a wad
of bills and having him ask for Ashley. Tell him to ask for the 'two-knee quick-fix'. She'll have him up and
at it in no time. Have fun!
Mr.Black
hi mr. black.,
i have this problem. you see theres this really hot guy in my writing class,
lets just call him phoenix for use of a name, and i dont know how to get him to notice me. i
just love the way his green hari flows in the evening sun and i really want to talk to him.
signed: isnt green beautiful?
Dear Isn't,
I can tell by just hearing your description that he must be a very atractive guy. First of all
I have a question for you. You say he has a green "hari"? I believe that is an East Indian garment
that the females traditionally wear. If this "Phoenix" is wearing one to school, he may be trying
to show you his East Indian heritage in hopes that you will court him with a ritual Buddhist dance.
If that doesn't work, you can always pass him naked pictures of yourself in class. Hope I helped.
Mr.Black
Dear Mr. Black,
I have a real problem, it seems that in order for me to Pass my classes this year I have to go
through many Anal Exams. I am really scared of going to school, and this is no joke. I have
enclosed proof.
From, Hugh Jazz.
Dear Hugh,
An anal exam is really nothing to be concerned about. Many celebrities have to go through
full body cavity searches as they travel from country to country. I believe that you are lucky
to pass middle school without receiving a more strenuous rectal workout. So I suggest you
buck up and spread 'em.
Mr.Black
My first letter! *note* The "girl" that sent this wants an award. So I present her with the honourary title of "Fastest to Cum" to this page. Yay.
Dear Mr. Black,
I have a very serious problem. This boy at my school is really wierd, he has green hair, and makes cheesy jokes. To protect this boy I will say his
name is..."Phoenix". Yeay anyway, "Phoenix" wears lots of make-up, and even wore his mom's g-string to school; which he showed me...yuk!
Anyway, I don't know what to do because he chases people around school .... and then eats them! What should I do to keep my distance?
Everywhere I turn he is following me with his mouth gaping open as his drool splashes on to the floor. So Mr. Black, tell me you idiot, what
should i do?
Dear Chased,
This boy "Phoenix" sounds like he is having a rough time in discovering his sexuality. I feel that you should try to encourage him by
wearing low cut shirts to school and having openly slutty sex with his male and female friends. This should turn him back to the right "team",
so to speak, and should alliviate any further intrusions on your free time. In closing, I feel that you have done the right thing
and should try to contact me on my home phone number to begin treatment. That's 1-900-IDOCARE. (That's 99 cents for the first minute and
$29.99 for each additional minute.)
Mr.Black
hi mr. black.
i have this really big problem. you see, every time i try to got to the bathroom, i have explosive shrimp come out. please help. they dont die either, and when i flush them they just come right back.
signed.
shrimp with attitudes
Dear Shrimp,
It seems that the shrimp have indeed found an agreeable habitat and that any attempts to dislodge them from their new-found "home" could be called cruelty to animals. I suggest you and your shrimp learn to live in harmony.
Mr.Black
PS. Oh yes, and if you have any plans of ever having a romantic relationship. Be sure to warn your partner beforehand. Not all of us are seafood lovers. Especially not seafood that fresh...
hi there
um you guys all no me. i go to your school.. i need to ask you
guys is lots of masturbation is healthy for you.? also i am sexualy
attracted to door knobs.. what shall i do mr. black???? help!!!!!!
thomies rennfies.
Dear Thomies,
So you're wondering if a lot of masterbation is good for you? You're wondering if you should, spank the monkey, flog the log, indulge in a little pocket pool, polish the pope, spit in the purple-helmeted soldier's eye? It may come as a surprise to you, but masterbation is a great form of excercise. Not only does it work your upper arm and pectoral muscles, it increases heart activity. This will insure a longer life than any of your "non-spanking" friends. In regards to your attracting to doorknobs; this is actually a problem that many men (and women) have to indure every day. The maker of the doorknob knew what he was doing and created a shape that is not only pleasing to the eye, but also pleasing to the hand. This is just one pleasure that you will have to restrain from in public. I hope that this has helped you.
Mr.Black
hi.
i need help. you see, i have this boyfriend who likes to pick my nose and make me lick his finger. i dont know how to tell him its not the cool thing to do. he finds it so sensual though, and i dont want to break the poor boys fragile heart.
Signed
no boogers left
Dear Boogers,
This is indeed a difficult problem. You want to keep your boyfriend interested in you, but you find his sexual habits disgusting. It seems to me as if you have another underlying problem that you may not have addressed yet. The fear of rejection. This may be a result of a poor sexual relationship with your father. How often were you spanked as a child? This is something that you will have to work on yourself by thinking of your father naked at least three times a day. As for the boogers, why not try to tempt your boyfriend with something that looks like boogers? Perhaps some green jell-o? If you stick things up your nose before hand, he won't be able to tell the difference. And think of the compliments you'll get on the taste of your "new" boogers!
Mr.Black
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