From an article in the Los Angeles Times...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
"Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot
out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited
a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent
out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a
broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and
second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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Anonymous response to dangerous rodent:
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather
use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex
fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter
before I admitted the truth.
Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this?
And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.