Cole Cuts from Cornography: The CD

She's Got a Pretty Mouth Like Ned Beatty
(C. Slaw)

Well I learned my birds and bees
While on my hands and knees
Like every other Ozark Mountain plowboy
When I finally got it down
Greyhound took me to town
Like Jon Voight in that movie Midnight Cowboy
But instead of hustlin' tricks
I'd come down from the sticks
With the mother of all matrimony schemes
What I was there to find
Was the best of home combined
To create the girl that moisturized my dreams

CHORUS
Her hair is soft as a baby heifer calf
She kisses like my older sister Sadie
She is young and full of life
Like Jerry Lee's third wife
And she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty

Now, Elvis grew his own
And Clinton's got his Jones
Hell, all them Gomer Pyle's got LuAnn Pooveys
But my girl hadn't shown
And I'd gone six weeks alone
That's if you don't count pornographic movies
But I broke up with my hand
When a Bible on the stand
Reminded me of Jimmy Swaggart's lesson
So I took it as a sign
And I dialed an escort line
And reported that my Mrs. Right was missin'

(I said)
CHORUS

She showed up that night
Lookin' not quite right
But I could not leave without a bride
So I took a gulp of mountain pride
In a baseball game with four at bats
She would hit two-fifty

Hell, one for four ain't that bad

Because her hair is soft, but it's on her upper lip
She kisses like my mother's brother Grady
Rode hard and put up wet
You pay for what you get
At least she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty
My wife has got a pretty mouth
Don't she got a pretty mouth
Yes, she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty
Honey, squeal like a pig

I'd Never Seen Tacky Til You Split With Me
(C. Slaw)

There's a Westinghouse washer beside our front door
A muddy four-wheeler pulled up to the porch
A satellite dish feeds our sixty-inch screen
But I'd never seen tacky til you split with me
I drink my ice tea from a grape jelly jar
Pink plastic flamingoes roost out in our yard
A statue of Elvis adorns our TV
But I'd never seen tacky til you split with me

I gave you the best that your money could buy
Like that Chrissy contraption that works on your thighs
But you went on Springer to say that you're free
And I'd never seen tacky til you split with me

Our picture of Jesus with following eyes
Watched you on the airwaves spillin' your lies
You said I lacked culture, but they paid you a fee
Lord, I'd never seen tacky til you split with me

I wish some of that plastic that covers our couch
Had been on my heart the day you walked out
For old Jerry Springer and the whole world to see
'Cause I'd never seen tacky til you split with me

Like our dogs playin' poker, I hang by the phone
Still hopin' you'll call to say you're comin' home
It rings, but it's Jerry wantin' me on TV
Girl, you think you've seen tacky, but tune in to see
'Cause you ain't never seen tacky til you -- messed with me

All My Favorite Drunks Have Given Up Drinkin'
(C. Slaw)


Liquored up on weekends, drinkin' like a fool
Chasin' Quervo shooters with anything that's cool
All the girls got pretty, all the guys were pals
Suckin' down the barley, tippin' over cows
Then Johnny got a deewee, Joey lost his wife
Mikey rolled his pickup and punched a Barney Fife
Andy's skin turned yellow, Roger got the shakes
Life ain't been this sober since our IDs were fakes

CHORUS
All my favorite drunks have given up drinkin'
They're a cheatin' on our lives with Betty Ford
They've all quit raisin' hell
Since their two-step turned to twelve
And all my favorite drunks have given up drinkin'

Johnny's in recovery, Joey's in AA
Mikey's dryin' out at the Wilbur Mills VA
(Hey) Andy calls his sponsor, Roger drinks a Sharps
With everybody quittin', it's driven me to start

CHORUS

Well now we can still hop the bars
While their livers are gettin' pinker
But minimum twelve drink covers
Make me the designated drinker

CHORUS

(Everybody)
CHORUS




All Songs Written by Cole Slaw (OzArkansas Music/BMI)
Copyright 1999 All Rights Reserved
Any duplication, broadcast or dissemination of these lyrics without the expressed written consent of the National Football League is strictly encouraged.

To order up some Cornography, send $8.21 in check or money order to:
Cole Slaw & The Baked Bean Band
P.O. Box 36631
Los Angeles, CA 90036-0631

and allow 2-3 weeks for delivery

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