Cole Cuts from Cornography: The CD She's Got a Pretty Mouth Like Ned Beatty (C. Slaw) Well I learned my birds and bees While on my hands and knees Like every other Ozark Mountain plowboy When I finally got it down Greyhound took me to town Like Jon Voight in that movie Midnight Cowboy But instead of hustlin' tricks I'd come down from the sticks With the mother of all matrimony schemes What I was there to find Was the best of home combined To create the girl that moisturized my dreams CHORUS Her hair is soft as a baby heifer calf She kisses like my older sister Sadie She is young and full of life Like Jerry Lee's third wife And she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty Now, Elvis grew his own And Clinton's got his Jones Hell, all them Gomer Pyle's got LuAnn Pooveys But my girl hadn't shown And I'd gone six weeks alone That's if you don't count pornographic movies But I broke up with my hand When a Bible on the stand Reminded me of Jimmy Swaggart's lesson So I took it as a sign And I dialed an escort line And reported that my Mrs. Right was missin' (I said) CHORUS She showed up that night Lookin' not quite right But I could not leave without a bride So I took a gulp of mountain pride In a baseball game with four at bats She would hit two-fifty Hell, one for four ain't that bad Because her hair is soft, but it's on her upper lip She kisses like my mother's brother Grady Rode hard and put up wet You pay for what you get At least she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty My wife has got a pretty mouth Don't she got a pretty mouth Yes, she's got a pretty mouth like Ned Beatty Honey, squeal like a pig I'd Never Seen Tacky Til You Split With Me (C. Slaw) There's a Westinghouse washer beside our front door A muddy four-wheeler pulled up to the porch A satellite dish feeds our sixty-inch screen But I'd never seen tacky til you split with me I drink my ice tea from a grape jelly jar Pink plastic flamingoes roost out in our yard A statue of Elvis adorns our TV But I'd never seen tacky til you split with me I gave you the best that your money could buy Like that Chrissy contraption that works on your thighs But you went on Springer to say that you're free And I'd never seen tacky til you split with me Our picture of Jesus with following eyes Watched you on the airwaves spillin' your lies You said I lacked culture, but they paid you a fee Lord, I'd never seen tacky til you split with me I wish some of that plastic that covers our couch Had been on my heart the day you walked out For old Jerry Springer and the whole world to see 'Cause I'd never seen tacky til you split with me Like our dogs playin' poker, I hang by the phone Still hopin' you'll call to say you're comin' home It rings, but it's Jerry wantin' me on TV Girl, you think you've seen tacky, but tune in to see 'Cause you ain't never seen tacky til you -- messed with me All My Favorite Drunks Have Given Up Drinkin' (C. Slaw) Liquored up on weekends, drinkin' like a fool Chasin' Quervo shooters with anything that's cool All the girls got pretty, all the guys were pals Suckin' down the barley, tippin' over cows Then Johnny got a deewee, Joey lost his wife Mikey rolled his pickup and punched a Barney Fife Andy's skin turned yellow, Roger got the shakes Life ain't been this sober since our IDs were fakes CHORUS All my favorite drunks have given up drinkin' They're a cheatin' on our lives with Betty Ford They've all quit raisin' hell Since their two-step turned to twelve And all my favorite drunks have given up drinkin' Johnny's in recovery, Joey's in AA Mikey's dryin' out at the Wilbur Mills VA (Hey) Andy calls his sponsor, Roger drinks a Sharps With everybody quittin', it's driven me to start CHORUS Well now we can still hop the bars While their livers are gettin' pinker But minimum twelve drink covers Make me the designated drinker CHORUS (Everybody) CHORUS All Songs Written by Cole Slaw (OzArkansas Music/BMI) Copyright 1999 All Rights Reserved Any duplication, broadcast or dissemination of these lyrics without the expressed written consent of the National Football League is strictly encouraged. To order up some Cornography, send $8.21 in check or money order to: Cole Slaw & The Baked Bean Band P.O. Box 36631 Los Angeles, CA 90036-0631 and allow 2-3 weeks for delivery Click Here to Go Home |