" I...thought...I...was...getting better...I felt...so...good." He took one last forced breath and his eyes closed for the final time.
My grandfather had just passed on and with him a piece of my heart. I had expected this for some time, he hadn't really been well for at least a year now, but all the same it hurt. I wasn't there to see it but Uncles and Grandmother were there to hold his hand until the end, and that's the way they said it all happened. In a way I wish I could've seen it, that would've been my chance to say good-bye, to tell him that I loved him. Yet there was another part of me that was glad I wasn't there, I don't know how I would've dealt with that.
Later that fateful day, I sat against the wall and closed my eyes, tilting my head up toward the ceiling letting the hot torrent of tears blaze down my cheeks and over my chin not bothering to wipe them away. My mind wandered over the past year, and over my life, reflecting on the things that I did do for my Grandfather but more importantly the things I didn't do. Those were the very things that I would do if I could see him again, if only I had one more chance. Life isn't like that though, you never get a second chance, and there's no eraser for the mistakes you make and no rewind button that you can hit to go back and edit your life. Every day of life is made for us to spend, there's no rules as to what you have to do with your time but the way I see it you better make the stuff you do in that time good because you're exchanging a day of your life for it.
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I can remember the days in my childhood when my Grandfather just came over and picked my brother and I up. We all got in the car and he drove out to the Hamptons, not for any particular reason, just because. We would sit in the car listening to the boring classical music that Poppy played and look out the windows watching the passing scenery. Once we got out to the Hamptons we would get lunch somewhere and then turn around and drive back home. I used to dread those days, I always got so bored and the highlight of my day was the French fries served at the various restaurants. Now they are just fond memories and there's nothing I wouldn't do to be sitting in that car listening to classical music and driving to nowhere to do nothing if it meant time with Poppy.
Looking back I can see the times when my parents had to go away for some reason and they decided it was best to leave us with Grandma and Poppy. My brother and I would whine and complain about how boring it was to go to Grandma and Poppy's house. We would inevitably go and even have a little fun as much as we protested it, but it's just the fact that we took his presence for granted that makes me want to cry. If we had only known then that it would all end in a few short years and we would regret our actions so wholeheartedly.
About 2 years ago when Poppy was diagnosed with cancer, I was so upset. Not that that made me visit him any more often. He went through chemo and radiation and was getting much better. Then around a year ago he was diagnosed with more cancer. He wasn't ready to go yet, he wouldn't give in, and my Poppy was too strong and indignant to let go so easily. So for months he under went treatment, again, and he was sicker than sick. He got up to go and get his treatment and then for the next 2 weeks in-between treatments he was too sick to even get up. This went on for months, and everybody wished that he would get better, so he wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, so he could be the old Poppy who laughed and told jokes and smiled. The Poppy that went out to the bars and drank and was merry. The same guy who took us out to dinner all the time and spent more time sitting at some stranger's table and being friendly than he did with his family at our table.
Finally after much discussion with the family and with Poppy my mother and father convinced him that it was time to let go. That putting up the fight wasn't helping anymore and he needed to sit back and let God's work take course. He gave in and joined Hospice. They brought him home and set him up with home-helpers and everything he needed. They gave our families counseling and helped us to deal with the loss of a loved one even though they couldn't take the pain away. They couldn't make it all go back to the way it was, when Poppy was ok and everyone was happy. When Grandma didn't spend all her time crying and we lived in sweet bliss not knowing that pain was on the way, but no one really could.
The past year had been the hardest that I can remember it hurt so much to know that I would lose my Poppy. I had always wanted him to be there when I graduated high school and then college and to see me married, giving him some great-grandchildren, now there was barely a chance for that. Heck, there was barely a chance for him to wake up the next morning. I dreaded the night, or morning or anytime that we would get the call telling us that he had passed on.
Finally that day came, on April 5th, 1997. I was sleeping peacefully in my bed when my father called me downstairs; he had something to say. I knew in my heart that it was Poppy, and my suspicions were confirmed when I heard the news. I couldn't even cry. I was too startled and as strange as it sounds too upset to cry right away. Soon enough I cried, I cried a lot. As happy I was that he was no longer in pain and he wasn't suffering, I missed him and I loved him, losing him hurt in an indescribable way.
The days of the wake and funeral passed by in a blur of tears, apologies and family members. We said good-bye to him in a fitting way, the only way he would've wanted, without dwelling on the loss but getting on with our lives. At the wake my grandmother cried less than she used to cry in a typical day, in a way she was relieved. At the funeral in the church everything was perfect. In the eulogy my mom and uncle told Poppy's jokes and I swear to you that his spirit was there with us. After his favorite joke was told all the windows in the church rattled, he was saying good-bye; it wasn't like Poppy to leave without a bang.
Today as I look back on his death, I realize that it couldn't have come at a better time. I remember visiting him every Sunday and looking at him laying in the huge hospital bad in his bedroom. He was so thin and sickly, so weak the man laying in that bed was not my Poppy. I can't tell you who he was but I know it wasn't the Poppy I'd grown to know and love. My Poppy wasn't happy, nor was anyone else watching him wither away. I know that my Poppy died long before that man in the bed did. My Poppy died when he lost his dignity, when he couldn't get out of bed on his own not even to go to the bathroom. My Poppy died months before his wilted body left our world.
I still cry, it still hurts to think about Poppy, but when I get upset I listen to the one song that really helps me out. It's a song written by Hanson, and they wrote it for their grandmother. I think it says exactly what my Poppy would want me to know.
With You In Your Dreams
If I'm gone when you wake up please don't cry
And If I'm gone when you wake up it's not good-bye
Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me remember me cause I'll be with you in your dreams
If' I'm gone when you wake up please don't cry
And If I'm gone when you wake up don't ask why
Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me remember me cause I'll be with you in your dreams
Don't cry I'm with you, don't cry I'm by your side
Don' cry I'm with you, don't cry I'm by your side
And though my flesh is gone, woah
I'll still be with you at all times
And though my body's gone, woah
I'll be there to comfort you at all times
Repeat Chorus
I don't wan t you to cry and weep, woah
I want you to go on living your life
I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, woah
Cause in your heart you have all of our good times,
all of our good times
Repeat Chorus
Woah, cause I'll be with you in your dreams
Most of all when I'm hurting I look at his Mass card. On it his favorite Irish prayer is printed, after he died I memorized that prayer, it's the one last thing I have of my Poppy and I'll never lose it.
May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sunshine warm upon your face and the rains fall softly upon your fields. And until we meet again my friend may God hold you in the palm of his hand.