Chapter 8:
I pulled on my Harvard sweatshirt and favorite pajama pants before collapsing on my bed. I was exhausted, not as much physically as emotionally. I ran again today, but I was reliving my run in with Taylor the whole time.
When I looked at him that first time I wanted to cry. Tayles looked as gorgeous as ever, his blue eyes sparkled and glittered with the rising winter sun. His hair fell carelessly into his eyes just the way it always used to and when I touched his smooth hand my heart began to pound. He spoke to me in a foreign voice, I mean I'd heard it before but he had not used it with me. He used that voice when Dianna caught him writing me a poem instead of writing his Earth Science paper or when he had gotten busted doing something he definitely should not have been doing. That voice was thick laden with his signature charm, the only time he used that voice with me was on the first day we met. That fateful day in the mall when I left my pocketbook in Macdonald's and he followed me out into the mall to return it.
My mind was completely clouded over, Taylor's presence filled it and took over my being. But my feelings towards him were so mixed and twisted. They used to be so clear and now they had twisted themselves into a complicated knot. A knot that I didn't want to untangle, I wanted to put it aside and be happy with my life now. I had my friends, Lily, Margo, Chelsea, the list goes on. My parents were there for me, and Lucas and I were happy together. Well, we were happy together until this happened. The worst thing about this is there is no way for me to put the knot aside. It keeps growing inside me and then there's Hannah, she's always there with her shining baby blues and light colored fuzz, the spitting image of her father as a baby. Hannah made me think of Taylor every time I saw her. I wanted to find another reason to hate Taylor. That way I could put him behind me and get on with my life, my life without Taylor. So I lay on my bed, my wet hair soaking the comforter, along with tears of confusion and frustration trying to find a reason to really hate Taylor. For some god-forsaken reason there was nothing coming to me.
I was torn away from my wallowing by the ringing of my phone at the exact same time as Hannah awoke from her nap, crying. I snatched the portable phone in my room and headed down the hall to the nursery.
"Hello"
"Hey, mommy!"
""Chels! It's so good to hear from you! How long's it been?"
"I dunno a month maybe, too long! How's my niece, well unofficial niece?"
"She's doing great, Hannah's just a little angel."
"And how's the new mother?"
"I'm okay."
"Alright Aspyn, I may not have spoken to you in a while but we've been friends for a long time and I can tell when you're lying. What's really going on?"
"Well it's hard to fully describe..."
"Look, sweetheart Lily and I were going to go out for lunch. We'll nix that. I'll pickup some Ben and Jerry's and Lily then we can have a pity-slash-tear fest and talk."
"That sounds great." I admitted, glad to have someone to talk to.
"Well then I've got to get going. I'll see you in a few, hold up for me."
"Bye." I put the phone down and continued to rock Hannah back and forth. She was wide-awake, but comfortingly serene at present.
My mom walked into the nursery, "So how are my two little girls?" she asked.
"She's fine, I on the other hand..."
"Look Aspyn, honey I know what you're going through, with Taylor and all."
"How do you know about Taylor?"
"Sweetie, I've heard you on the phone with Lily and all. I can see the hurt in your eyes. You really need to sort things out for your own good, for your daughter's good, for Lucas's good, and for Taylor's good. I want you to be happy and right now you're far from it�Look, I'm taking Hannah out for the afternoon, I want you to use this time to think. Think long and hard and make the best decision for you and your baby." She took Hannah from me and grabbed her diaper bag. The she headed out to the foyer where she dressed Hannah for the cold and left me alone to think.
I just stayed in the same position for a while. My mom was right, I needed to think and make a good decision. Lily and Chelsea would help but they couldn't do it all for me. This whole entire decision was so different for me. Now, not only did I have to think about what was best for me, but what's best for my daughter. I held two lives in my hands and now this decision would affect both forever. (~AN~ did I use the right word? Affect or effect? ~)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Knock, Knock, Knock.
I ran to the door and expected to find Lily and Chelsea. Boy, was I surprised to see one of the two people I least wanted to see. At this point my decision was hard enough but seeing either of them would make it worse, and there on my front porch stood Lucas.
Lucas was nothing like Taylor, at all. Maybe that's why I like him so much so much when I first met him, because he didn't remind me of Tayles. Lucas had short shining brown hair and emerald green eyes. He was a football player and he was built on a strong manly frame. Unlike Taylor who was built on a more fragile frame, but gorgeous as anything and far from weak. (~AN~ Attention all you Taylor lovers out there, me included, this is not meant to be an insult to Taylor. I am not implying that he is built on a girly frame or anything like that. He is just thin and we all know that, it was merely a comparison to make my point stronger. ~) Lucas liked life to be more structured, he wasn't up for spontaneity. All the same he was sweet and caring, and he said he loved me.
Love for me had become such a fragile emotion that I was very careful with it. I told Taylor everyday that we were together that I loved him, and he never hesitated to tell me he loved me too. Then it all came crashing down around us. I still haven't told Lucas that I love him, and he understands and accepts that. I like him, I like him a lot but it's still not the same as it was with Taylor. Tayles and I bonded from the start, there was an electricity between us. Lucas and I were extremely close and the sparks were forming but I still only felt a flicker. Lucas said he could and would wait forever for me, and he has so I stand by him. He's one of the best things in my life right now.
Yet now, with Taylor making a cameo appearance in my life again, I'm not so sure where I stand. When I see him my heart throbs and I long to be near him. To be in his arms and hear him whisper sweet things in my ear. I long to smell him, that familiar mixture of soap, sweat, detergent, and CKbe and to taste his lips again. I'm afraid though, afraid to get hurt, to hurt someone, and afraid that all this that I'm feeling is lust not love. I remember being told, 'you always want what you can't have', and maybe Taylor was exactly what I can't have.
"Hey cutie."
"Luke, um..."
"I came over to see if I can spend some cuddle time with you."
"Luke, that's really cute and all but Lily and Chelsea are coming over and�"
"I don't think they'll mind if I'm here with them. We'll have fun." He moved in to kiss me and I immediately pulled back, "What's wrong?"
"Luke this is really confusing me. I mean the situation with Taylor and all. I need to be away from you both for some time, to sort things out with myself. Anyway this is a girls only type ting." I tried to lighten the mood.
"Aspyn, I thought you were over Taylor."
"Well...I'm really confused now. Please understand that."
"Fine, see ya." He said coolly and turned toward his car. I could hear him mutter, "She's back on that little pussy again," under his breath.
He may have been trying to make himself feel better but I doubt that it made him feel better, and it certainly didn't help me. In fact that comment hit me harder then one would've expected it to. I'm not sure why but that hurt me and all I could do was cry. So I leaned back against the wall and cried. Only seconds later I slumped down against the wall until I felt the ground below me. I stayed in that position, my hair and tears freezing in the ice-cold, along with my exposed heart.
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I was freezing cold and sobbing on my porch but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to get up and go indoors. Suddenly I felt two warm arms go around me and hold me close. It was Chelsea; she held me close and comforted me until I stopped crying, at least for the moment.
"Come on Asp, we've gotta get you inside, you're freezing. You do know that mother's aren't allowed to get sick."
We laughed and walked inside, followed by Lily who was carrying the ice cream. Chelsea led me into the family room and wrapped me up in a blanket, then she sat me down on the couch. About five minutes later she and Lily returned with three mugs of hot cocoa and 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's. Chelsea sat down on the floor and Lily joined me on the couch. We opened the Phish Food and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and whipped out the spoons, passing it around.
"So Aspyn, tell me everything." Chelsea began.
"It's a long, long story."
"Hun, the baby's out, and we're here to talk. We've got plenty of time so start talking."
"Alright here goes," I paused and took a spoonful of Phish food before continuing to tell my whole, depressing story. By the time I was done we'd used almost an entire box of tissues and I'd gotten almost a million and one hugs (well almost). As soon as I was done it was my turn to sit back and listen while they gave me their opinions, whether or not I wanted to hear them.
"Okay, Aspyn, you may not want to hear what I have to say but I hope you'll hear me out on this one�" she began, "I can see why you're so confused and all but to me the decision seems pretty obvious. Look, do you even know why Taylor broke up with you?"
"He couldn't handle the responsibility of having a child."
"I'm guessing you never asked him why, because that is not why he ended it with you. Taylor never wanted to break up with you. He was fully prepared to spend the rest of his life with you and your child. The publicists made him do it. You know what that looks like and what it could do to Hanson's image, being a father at 17. He was going t stand up to the publicist but he didn't want to ruin things for Zac and Ike too, so he did it."
"Oh, the precious image couldn't hurt that. You know he still did it, anyway if it's bad for his image then why would he want me back now?"
"You are too stubborn. Taylor loves you and you know that despite it all you love him. Go back to him, that's all I have to say."
"I...I can't now. It still hurts too much and who's to say that if the fans freak out that Taylor won't dump me again."
"Alright, my turn to talk now," Lily cut in, " I think that you should go back to Taylor. But take your time doing it, be careful I know that he'll have no problem waiting for you. We can't force you to do that though�"
"Good, thank you!"
"Wait I'm not done. You may not want him to be a part of your life but you cannot deny him a place in Hannah's life. He has a right to be a part of Hannah's life and I think you should talk to him about that."
"I'm not really interested in speaking to him." I said in a less than pleasant tone of voice.
"Alright, I'm telling you exactly what I think now, so go ahead, get mad at me. You love Taylor, you love him so much it hurts but you're afraid to trust him again. For some stupid reason you refuse to admit to yourself how you feel. I can see why you're confused because now Luke is in the picture and you don't want to hurt him, but girl you've got to get over it. Once you put that behind you you'll be happy again and with him. You haven't been happy since you two broke up. Everything Lucas does you compare to Taylor, and you talk about Tay every time I see you. You are so stubborn it's not even funny. But ya know what, go ahead, stay with Luke because you aren't able to take a risk. Stay in your comfort zone with Luke who loves you and you, well you like him a lot, he seems like a nice enough guy. Someday you'll regret it but go ahead I'm not stopping you."
"Fine then, I will stay with Lucas where I'm comfortable. I always wanted to be comfortable anyway. Lucas is a great guy and I like him a lot, we'll be very happy together."
"Look there you just said it, you LIKE him. Every time we asked about Taylor you used to sigh and tell us how much you LOVED him." Lily retorted.
"That was then, I was young and na�ve. This is now, times have changed."
"Yeah sure." Lily and Chelsea said simultaneously rolling their eyes.
"Well now, next issue. I'm in need of a baby sitter to watch Hannah while I run, it'll only be about an hour or so." I couldn't stand the tension that was building up in the room, I had to change the subject and stop all the yelling.
"I can't" Chelsea said,
"I've got an idea." Lily commented, her dark eyes sparkling with mischief.
"What?" I said coldly. For some reason I was pissed at Lily for telling me the truth.
"Well since Taylor deserves a chance to spend time with Hannah, why don't you have him watch her? He'll get time with his baby, you get a free babysitter and you hardly have to see him.
"I guess that sounds like a pretty good idea." I relented. The thing is I didn't really think I wanted to get back with Taylor but seeing once in a while wouldn't be so bad. Okay, so I know that right now I'm contradicting myself, totally, but I love Tayles, there'll always be a place for him in my heart and he'll always hold a piece of me within his grasp. I'm just stubborn and a wuss, taking risks is not my thing especially when my heart is concerned. I hope that someday Taylor and I can have some semblance of a relationship.
"Good call him later then."
"I will." I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was asleep. I guess they left while I was sleeping because I awoke to an empty house. I sat up and dialed the familiar number to the Hanson's house.
"Hello you've reached the Hanson residence we're not here but the phone is�"
"Zac,"
"How'd you know it was me?!" he acted shocked and surprised. At least one of the Hanson's hadn't changed too much.
"I just did, besides the answering machine never picks up on the first ring. Can you get Taylor for me?"
"Sure, Aspyn."
"How'd you know it was me?!"
"I just did."
I laughed lightly and sat on my couch nervously twisting the phone cord around my finger and planning on what I was going to say.
"Hey Darlin'" again he used my nickname. I didn't realize it at the time but I smiled when his voice filled my ear.
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Chapter 9:
"Taylor I need to ask you a favor."
"Yeah" I smacked my head for not coming up with something better to say. This was my chance to really talk to her and al I could say was 'Yeah', good job Tay!
"I run every morning at around 8 and I'm gone for about an hour or so. During that time I need someone to watch Hannah. I was wondering if you would like to watch her for those hours. I figure it'll be a good chance for you to spend time with you daughter and stuff."
The sound of Aspyn's voice sent chills through my body and I could only imagine what her tender caress would do.
"I'd love to. I just have one question. What made you change your mind?"
"Well I just realized that you deserved a chance to spend time with your daughter."
"Oh," my heart fell to the floor; "well what time should I be there tomorrow?"
"Um, around 7:30. That way I can show you around the house..."
"I've been there a few times, I know my way around the house," I joked.
"No I mean so I can show you where all of Hannah's stuff is."
"Alright. Then I'll see you 7:30 tomorrow."
"Bye."
"Bye."
I heard a dial tone and put down my end of the line. I stayed seated in the beanbag chair and thought. I couldn't decide whether to be happy or depressed. On one hand I would get to be a part of Hannah's life and see Aspyn everyday. On the other Aspyn still didn't want me to be a part of her life, she hadn't wanted me to baby-sit because it would be easier to build our relationship again if we saw each other everyday or any other reason like that.
"Taylor!" I heard my mother call me from down the hall.
"Yeah mom?" I said as I entered her room.
"Honey can you go and make me some thera-flu?"
"Yeah sure mom. So, how are you feeling?"
"I feel so gross, but I'll be fine really soon," my mother said in a soft voice as she forced on a weak smile for my sake. I knew that she was not doing well at all but she didn't want any of us to worry about her.
I returned with my mother's thera-flu about 5 minutes later. She gratefully took it from me and drank the whole mug in one gulp. (~AN~ This is no joke if you've ever had the stuff you know. It tastes so nasty that you have to drink it all in one gulp so you can't really taste it. It comes in 2 flavors, gross and grosser, no really it's Lemonade which is so sour and disgusting nothing like the refreshing summertime drink, and Apple cinnamon which tastes like liquid barf. I know from experience. ~)
"So Taylor, how's everything going with Aspyn?"
"Ugh! It's a long and depressing story."
"Talk to me kiddo," she said patting a spot on the bed next to her.
I sat down and told her the whole story and like the wonderful mother she is she listened intently, like I was 8 years old again and telling her about the frog I caught in the creek or something happy and interesting. At the end she gave me a hug and full permission to cry, promising not to tell anyone if I did.
"Honey do you want my opinion-slash-advice?"
"I fully expected to hear it."
"Well then, here goes. I know that you love Aspyn, I can tell in many ways. The look you get in your eye when you speak of her, the way you speak of her, and I could go on. You remind me of Isaac with Siobhan. Aspyn is hurting though honey and no amount of apologizing will fix that. You can't take back what you did and you certainly can't expect her to forgive you at the drop of a hat. Matters of the heart take time. All you can do now is wait. It sounds as though she knows how you feel and now she needs time to sort out how she feels and make her decision� She's got a tough decision to make and now it's become even harder because she has to worry about your baby's life and well being, she's choosing for two now. All I can say is this, take your time, be careful, of her feelings and let her make the decision on her own. Don't make her choose between you and Lucas because that is most definitely the decision she wants to make least in the world. Let her choose in her own time, don't force the issue."
"Mom, thanks so much." I gave her a hug and left her to get some more rest.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Tay! Get your but out of bed!" Zac screamed in my face as he shook me.
"Okay! God, I'm up. What's wrong with you?"
"I was trying to sleep in today and your stupid alarm goes off at 6 am waking me up but not you, that's what's wrong. You have the damn thing on so loud�look it's on max volume! Then you put it like, next to your ear and you still don't get up, although it wakes me up really well. I swear you could sleep through a nuclear war."
"Sorry, I'm just exhausted. I can't sleep much."
"I guess it's okay. Look wherever you're going remember that we have a rehearsal today. Be in the studio at 1pm."
"Yeah, I remember. Now go back to sleep and let me get ready."
"Just don't sing too loud in the shower and I'll get some sleep."
"Ha, ha, ha." I grabbed a fresh pair of boxers and headed to the bathroom.
20 minutes later it was 6:45 and I was showered. Dressed was another story entirely. I felt like I was going on my first date again, nothing I chose to wear was right.
"That's it! I've given up any hope of sleeping in. If I fall asleep during rehearsal I'm letting you know now that it's your fault. Do you want me to help you pick out something to wear?" Zac asked exasperated.
"Yeah Zac, that'd be so cool."
"Don't mention it. Now where are you going?"
"I'm going to baby sit for Hannah"
"Who?"
"My daughter, Hannah Noelle Frost."
"Oh. Well in that case, you should wear your Nautica jeans. Um�that over there (he pointed to a denim shirt), with that sweater (he showed me a natural colored sweater with blue stripes across the chest). Spit up blends in well with that color."
"Good idea. I'll wear that and my brown Docs."
"You mean MY brown Docs."
"Same difference."
I got dressed and proceeded to spend 20 minutes combing my hair just so. Then realizing I had about 15 minutes to get to her house and I wanted to be there early, I tore through the house. I grabbed a Nutri-grain bar on my way through the kitchen and snatched my jacket and cars keys in the foyer on my way out the door. Finally I made it to my car with 10 minutes to go and a 7-minute drive, without traffic. (~AN~ Does anyone know if there's a lot of traffic in Tulsa? I live on Long Island and there's always a lot of traffic here so I just threw that in. ~)
Exactly 8 minutes and 32 seconds later (but who's counting?) I was standing on Aspyn's familiar porch. Normally I would've just let myself in, but in the past nine months circumstances have changed considerably. I sighed and pushed the doorbell. Now all I cold do was wait, I laughed at that thought. I would be doing a lot of waiting in the near future, but Aspyn was well worth it.
I was looking down at my, err, Zac's shoes and the floor when the door slowly opened. I cautiously looked up; first I saw her bare feet, with bubble gum pink painted toenails. Up her long legs that met with her favorite cut-offs that were spattered in a rainbow of oil paints. Her top half was covered in a plain white tank top, which was also splattered with paints. Around Aspyn's graceful neck lay her large Buffy the Vampire Slayer style cross necklace, it was made of marcasite (SP?) and the chain was made of silver. She never took it off. Her hair was piled up in a loose bun with random, shining curls falling out. Her eyes were luminous and they captured my attention as they always had in the past. I was so mesmerized by her surreal beauty that I overlooked the slight bulge in her usually flat stomach, or any other imperfection that may have been present, to me she looked perfect and probably always will, no matter what she looks like.
"Hi Taylor. I was just painting. Hannah's asleep for the time. Look, I'm going to go change into my running clothes and then I'll show you around. Make yourself at home, it'll only take me a second." Her voice was like music to my ears, although it was a different tone than I was used to. That tone of voice was the one she used with strangers, when she was trying to sound nice and polite but she was really unsure of herself. She had never used that tone with me. 'Just something else that has changed between you two, you're like a stranger to her.' I thought.
"Okay, that sounds good." I smiled and took off my jacket slowly, looking at the house that at one time had been my second home, but at that time any place where Aspyn was had been my second home.
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