Chapter 10:
I looked over at my alarm clock and tried to will it to change. Unfortunately it still read 4:30 Am, no matter how hard I tried. Slowly I rolled over and placed my feet on the cool wood floor of my bedroom. I couldn't believe that I was up at 4:30 and not because the baby had woken me up. I should have known that I would be up at this time, I hadn't slept all night. I was so worried about seeing Taylor again, although I wasn't sure why. I had come to the conclusion that I was much happier now with Lucas then I could be with Taylor so I didn't have to worry about that decision. Still there was something plaguing me, I wished that I knew.
Rummaging through the back of my closet I found exactly what I had been looking for. I grabbed my favorite clothes to paint in and headed over to the bed. My emotions were running rampant and I figured that my paintings would be awesome now, plus painting might help me sort out my emotions.
I yanked on the white tank top and winced as I fastened the button on my cut-off jean shorts. There was still a visible bulge in my stomach and I hadn't worn these shorts in a while. Once my unruly hair was out of my face and in a sloppy bun I was ready to paint.
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At around 7:30 I was still lost in my painting when I heard the doorbell ring. Forgetting my apprehensions, and who I was expecting I went to the door in my paint splattered clothes, looking like I was about 50 pounds over weight with my hair falling out all over the place. It wasn't that Taylor hadn't seen me this way, he had many times. I guess you could say this was not the impression I had intended to make on him.
I opened the door and there he stood. I felt self-conscious as he looked me over, but relaxed when I saw the approval in his eyes. I guess I knew subconsciously that he was still in love with me and that I was with him and I tried incredibly hard to deny it. I tried so hard that I was actually able to believe the lies that I came up with. Now it was my turn to give him a once over.
I began at the bottom and worked my eyes up his body. He was wearing a pair of worn, brown, Dr. Martens and his lean legs were covered in a pair of baggy blue jeans. His tan field coat was open and it revealed his shirt. He was wearing a collared, denim shirt underneath a flaxen colored sweater. There were 3 wide denim colored stripes at the chest and it looked amazingly good on him. His fair hair fell just above his shoulders and swung lazily in the December wind. It was shorter than it had been 3 years ago but still long for a guy and it shone with the intensity of the rising sun. I wanted to reach out and run my hand through it as I had done so many times before, but I restrained myself.
I led him into the house after and awkward greeting and left him to go and get changed. I could feel the difference between us, it was so hard to put a finger on exactly what it was yet it was so tangible. I hated the feeling of not being able to relate to him totally, the way that we always had. 'See, there's another reason why Lucas is the right choice. You and Taylor can't relate well anymore, Lucas understands you totally.' I thought trying to convince myself that the decision I had made was right.
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"So Taylor, you know where the basic stuff is around the house, right?"
"No, I've only been here a few times. I've really got no clue." He said in a sarcastic yet joking manner. I could tell he was nervous, he always joked like that when he was uncomfortable it was his way of relaxing the mood. I hated the thought that he was nervous around me, even more I hated the thought that I was nervous around him.
I led him around the house showing him where the basic baby needs were: the burpies, diapers, extra bottles, clean clothes and the like. Then of course he needed to know just where every possible baby toy and accessory was just in case she got fussy. I was totally neurotic about my daughter and her care, I guess it's just a parental thing, but Taylor totally understood what was going on.
He followed me around the house like a lost puppy, and I have to admit it was adorable. (Not to mention that I loved the attention.) I was reveling in the fact that he still really wanted me when I realized that it was 8:00 and I should be leaving soon, plus there was only one thing left to show him and that was Hannah.
"Look, Taylor why don't you go and sit down in the family room. I'll get Hannah and then you can finally meet her. As soon as that's done I'll actually get out to run." I suggested.
"You know, I do have a few younger siblings. I've got a slight idea of how to get them out of a crib and the like. Why don't you get out there and run. I'll take care if getting Hannah." He coaxed.
"No, Taylor, really I've got this whole thing planned out. Just go and sit..." I gave him a light shove in the direction of the family room.
"Fine, if that's the way you want it to be, then I'll go..." he slowly made his way over toward the living room and I traipsed up the stairs to get Hannah ready. For some reason I had planned out the way the two would meet, down the smallest detail. I'm not sure why this meant so much to me but it did.
I reached the nursery to find Hannah wide-awake and amusing herself by sucking on the 2 middle fingers of her right hand, just the way I had done as a child. I couldn't believe that she was so good for me and I only hoped that she would behave for Taylor. I bent over the edge of her crib and gave her a little pep talk although I highly doubted she understood even the slightest thing I said to her, or how much this meant to me. She smiled faintly at me and made a strange gurgling noise, although I doubt it was in response to anything I said. She fussed a touch when I lifted her out of the crib to bring her to the changing table, but as soon as she resituated her fingers she was silent again.
I picked up the outfit I had set out last night and began to remove her pajamas. I changed her amazingly clean diaper and began to slip on the outfit, trying not to disturb her, so as to keep her from throwing a minor fit. The outfit I had picked out was adorable, a pair of black leggings with a cr�me colored shirt and over that went this fleece, jacket type thing, it was a pale pink with abstract snow-flakes of cr�me on it. There was cr�me whipstitching around the edges and the buttons up the front were the most beautiful black toggles. I'm almost positive that Dianna sent it to me for the shower. She had not put a name in the card but I could tell her handwriting from anywhere, an elegant flowing script that only a teacher could have. Once Hannah was ready I lifted her up to my shoulder and slowly made my back to the family room, anticipating Taylor's reaction to meeting his daughter for the first time.
When I reached the family room I could see his blonde head over the top of the couch he was comfortably seated in. I could tell he was looking at the fire that was crackling away in the fireplace. I just knew he was reliving all the days that we had spent in front of that fireplace, when we were in love and everything seemed so simple.
If I look deep enough into the orange-yellow flames I can still feel his arms around me as we lay in front of the fireplace. We spent so many cold winter evenings there just being together. We needn't really talk, or anything like that, just being together was more than enough. We rarely got time to be together with his schedule and mine conflicting in nearly every way. His arms were so strong yet gentle in every way possible. They were my comfort and my salvation from the rest of the cold, cruel world. That was one thing that I missed tremendously when he was gone, his embrace, and his total understanding of me.
I knew he still understood me, it was evident in the way he looked at me, and I still fully understood him, I could tell what he was thinking practically. Yet there was something so different between us. It was so illusive yet so tangible, and it cut like a knife. Maybe it was the walls I'd built up around me, or those that he'd built around him, but something was there.
I was snapped back into the real world when Hannah spit up on my shoulder, where I had no burpie. I guessed now was as good a time as ever for Taylor to meet his daughter.
"Tay..." he turned around to face me and his signature smile lit up his face when his eyes fell upon his daughter. I wished I had a camera at this exact moment, pictures are worth a thousand words and I had so many words swimming around in my head at the moment that I wanted to remember them all. That was of no matter though, the priceless look on his face would be imprinted on my mind for the rest of my life.
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Chapter 11:
Hannah was the most beautiful girl in the world...well, next to Aspyn�I surmised as I held her softly in my arms. She was sucking on her fingers and relaxing contently. It had been nearly an hour since Aspyn had left and Hannah had been an angel the entire time. I fed her a bottle at 8:30 as directed by Aspyn and then I sat down again by the fireplace. We had been comfortably situated here since. I gently conversed with her, about Aspyn, though I knew she had no clue of what I was saying. I needed someone physical to talk to, my journal wasn't working out too well� that wouldn't talk back. I needed someone that wouldn't give me an answer that I didn't want to hear or an insipid opinion, just someone that would listen intently. Hannah was the perfect person, on top of being an angel of a daughter.
I knew my mother would need to meet Hannah soon, she kept saying how she needed another baby around the house. Zo� had grown up, although she was by far the most calm and quiet of the family, and clingy to my father. I think the time she was born at was the worst to be raising a child around. The whole Hanson thing had really affected her more than I would care to think of, I prayed that it wouldn't have the same effect on my daughter. Although I probably would not get to spend too much time with her at this rate and our fame isn't the same as it was 3 years ago. Everything in my life, except the Aspyn situation, mind you, is much more subdued from my career to my home life.
Hannah gurgled and then she began to fidget uncomfortably. Not wanting to ruin the perfectness of our first encounter as father to daughter I quickly stood up and began to walk around the room, rubbing my hand gently over her back and singing to her.
" Everything is different but nothing has changed/ are we going in circles/ it's Christmas again. Can't you hear the sleigh bells ring/ all our voices unite/ and look up to the heavens/ see the stars shining bright. Everybody needs a little lovin' around Christmas time/ somehow you gotta know you're gonna be alright/ and do you really remember how it used to be/ sitting under the Christmas tree/ in your heart you'll find the season. We've been blessed by the children/ black yellow and white/ they believe in the things we try to deny. So throw down weapons/ but continue the fight/ and lets love one another on this holy night. Everybody needs a little lovin' around Christmas time/ somehow you gotta know you're gonna be alright/ and do you really remember how it used to be/ sitting under the Christmas tree/ in your heart you'll find the season. O reach down inside your heart/ and see all the love/ O in your heart you'll find the reason. Everybody needs a little lovin' around Christmas time/ somehow you've gotta know you're gonna be alright/ and so you really remember how it used to be/ me an you when you loved me/ in your heart you'll find the season�" I trailed off as I heard someone enter the room. Sure it was probably Aspyn but I still felt strange.
Turning I saw her mother, " Oh, please don't let me stop you...you sound wonderful as always and I haven't heard that song in such a long time. It was one of my Christmas favorites back when Aspyn made me listen to it all the time. Anyway I'm only stopping in to pick up some papers I forgot to bring in to the office. How's my granddaughter been for you?"
I smiled as I honestly answered, "amazing, she's such a good little girl, and beautiful too. One heck of a daughter if you ask me�" my voice softened as I thought about my daughter and her mother not needing me. Especially about Aspyn not wanting me�that hurt unimaginably. I must say though, it was so comforting to speak to Mrs. Frost...I had missed her lately. She had been a second mother to me way back when.
"Well, that's great. I'd love to stay and chat but I've really got to be getting back to the office. Hope you have a good day, and say I Love You to Aspyn for me."
She must know something I don't, I thought to myself, either that or there's a lot that she didn't know. I probably wouldn't be saying I love you to Aspyn any time soon, much to my chagrin. She must've thought that things were fixed between Aspyn and I. Though it's very unlike like Aspyn to not tell her mother everything, they are extremely close. Maybe she knows something that I don't; maybe Aspyn does want me back...yeah right, I guess I can always hope.
The door shut behind Mrs. Frost and I returned to walking slowly with Hannah. She was once again content and I decided to stand in place. I feared that sitting down would start the whole cycle again but pacing slowly in circles was beginning to get to my head and it too was traveling in slow circles.
I was facing the fire and observing pictures on the mantel. My eyes stopped when they fell upon a picture of Aspyn and I together. It was about, huh, isn't that funny, nine months ago...maybe just a little more. My arms were wrapped haplessly around her waist and we were facing one another. We were leaning into each other, our foreheads resting against one another, looking lovingly into each other's eyes. We were in New York City and it was around my birthday. That had been my gift a week in the city without any work to do, and Aspyn was invited to stay. The Statue of Liberty loomed in the distance behind us, but that didn't matter. We were lost in each other and too far in love to care about the surroundings. We were together and that was all that mattered. That was the happiest time in my life...when I was with Aspyn and she was a pivotal part of my life. It was around then that we completed our love in one evening. In fact it was actually that week that we did, and about 2 and a half weeks later things began to end. The shit hit the fan and the publicists couldn't stand the heat so in turn they dragged me, kicking and screaming, out of the kitchen.
I began talking to Hannah, again, about each of the pictures and telling her exactly what each meant. Explaining every minute detail of our former relationship and where I felt we stood now. It wasn't until I heard a sneeze emitted from behind me, that I realized someone was listening in on my little one-sided chat with Hannah. Turning around I faced her, at that moment I felt like crawling under the rug and dying of embarrassment. Usually professing my undying love to Aspyn was natural and normal but right then, when as far as I knew she hated me...her hearing that was far from comforting. I'll tell you though, the look on her face was priceless.
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Chapter 12:
I stood in the doorway, trying to bring my breathing back to it's normal relaxed pa ce when I heard his voice speak my name. I loved the way his voice softened and he carefully spoke my name, as if it was fragile and he might break it. I loved the way he spoke to and of me, I loved the sound of his voice�but at the same time I hated it. That voice used to profess undying love to me every day and then look what he did. I couldn't force myself to fully believe what Chelsea had said the other day about publicists, and I couldn't let his voice lull me into his love again. Even if it was close to being what I wanted, even if it was really what I wanted, I couldn't have his love because it was too shallow and too superficial. If things got tough he would leave again and I knew it. Nothing from now on would be simple because of Hannah, and I wouldn't let him in only to have to let go shortly. Lucas was good to me and he was ready to be a father, he wouldn't leave me when things got tougher I mean he'd been the one who stood by me all throughout the pregnancy and promised he would forever. He was the one who could and would wait forever and let me know that everyday�Taylor used to be that way but he's changed so much that I hardly know him anymore, at least I don't think I do. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't let Taylor's convincing voice and tender charm (as fake as it can be) win me over again. The sweet sound of his voice was the beginning of my end, he lured me in with that voice and as soon as he got nervous he spit me right back out with that voice. I needed to be strong for Hannah, right?
I followed the sound of his voice to the family room where I had left him last, there he stood, slowly rocking Hannah and talking to her airily. As I listened to him I realized he was telling her stories about us, he and I, as a couple. The happy, in love couple that we had once been. The stories brought tears to my eyes, and the way he uttered sweet things about how he felt now�it melted my heat. I knew that he really wanted me, he was genuinely sorry and completely remorseful. I knew what I wanted although I had tried so hard to deny it and let it go...Taylor was what I wanted. It seemed so perfectly clear when I looked at the situation as an outsider. When I listened to him without holding up my grudge as protection...of course I had been letting down my guard but it was too late now.
Closing my eyes I pictured the situations that he spoke of to our daughter. I remembered all the good times and they far outweighed the hard times through the past nine months. And he was here now even though he knew that I had said that I didn't want him to be a part of this life. He put himself up against the odds because he loved me and he could deal with the risk, and seeing Hannah meant that much to him. Thinking about it I realized that Lucas and I could never make it. I mean I liked him, but not the way I felt about Taylor in fact there were actually things he did that annoyed me, and after a long time I needed a break from him. Spending more then 24 hours straight with him would start to piss me off. It was never that way with Taylor, the little things that he did that bothered even Isaac and Zac I found to be amazingly adorable or a total turn on. And as for time, I never used to be able to get enough ime with him, then the rest of my life seemed too short. Maybe things could be that way again, maybe that was what I really wanted. It was what I needed and if he ever meant as much to me as I thought he did then it was worth a second shot right? Deciding the answer to that was a yes I devised a little scheme.
He could have his chance but I was going to make him work for it�he had to prove just how much he cared and that he would never do anything like that to me again. I couldn't let him hurt Hannah and I like that so he'll earn his spot in my heart again. I just won't tell him he's doing it, it'll be a silent test of his intent and will power. Opening my eyes I looked at Taylor as he looked down lovingly at Hannah, so he was ready to be a father�I could see it in his eyes, seeing things in people's eyes had got to be a maternal thing like seeing when you're children are lying and stuff. My mom was good at it, Dianna was good at it, my grandmothers were good at it and now I was. Scary.
I sneezed and blew my cover but it wasn't so horrible. Taylor looked at me sheepishly and I could tell he was wondering how much I had heard and if I had liked what I had heard. I could feel his eyes searching mine to see my thoughts and I looked a bit off into the distance so he wouldn't find any answers. My eyes always gave me away and he couldn't see the true feelings hidden away in my eyes because then my plan would never work out.
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