<< december 2, 1998 >>

23 days to christmas, right now, that's the thought that keeps me going, cause maybe on christmas everything will suddenly be better. like, all my problems will dissolve into nothing and i'll be inspierd to write alot again, and i'll just finally be able to shake myself of all this stress that i'm hidden under right now, i just need an escape. i guess deep down i know that the perfection christmas brings can only last so long, but if i close my eyes and dream real hard, i can see the way things should be, maybe that can happen if i keep on dreaming.

today was one of those days, like, the days where you wake up late and right from the start everything is crap right down to the lack of milk for your oatmeal so you have to use icky water and it doesn't taste as good as it should. and then the wjole rest of the day just runs along at the same monotonus (sp) pace and you just want to scream out in frustration, but oyur throat really hurts. ugh!! i mean, nothing seemed to go right today and even now, at 9:54, nothing seems to be working out for me and i hate it. i need a vacation, i need to take a giant step back and just forget it all fro a while, i need a massage from some hot guy with these amazing, strong hands (isaac hanson will do, taylor too). i think that for today i just needed to be someone else, and just not think about me. i wonder what would happen if i actually did that...

and i talked to courtney, she and i had a good heart to heart, so to speak, it was nothing special by nay standard but it was so frighteningly normal that it jsut felt so good. we haven't had much a a chance to talk lately, and it wa snice to be able to do that, and i'm so glad that she's not sick really, cause i was worried about her for a while. she talked me into seeing craig and brian again, i don't know why i let her...maybe cause somewehre deep down inside i do wanna see him again as much as i protest it. i guess i'm afraid though, afraid we'll have a repeat performance of halloween,a nd this time no one will be able to stop him, and then i'll totally regret it. i know i don't love craig...i barely can recall much of him excpet for the taste of alcohol on his breath and the way his tongue overtook my entire mouth. i'm positive that's not the way a kiss should feel, at least not a good kiss, with the right guy. i guess he's just not the right guy, but maybe we can have some fun. and maybe i ca spend time with him where i'm not attached to his face, and learn that he's really a great guy (i doubt it). but i guess i'll do it just to fforget who i am for a minute or two, and rest assured i'll be in by 11:35 cause hanson'll be on leno and i WILL NOT miss that for anything, especially not for craig.

right now i'm just kinda hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, one that's easier to deal with, one that i can handle even though i'm stressed beyond belief and spread out wayyy to thin. i guess i might as well get over it and get on with it cause i have a feeling the rest of my life will be this way. but maybe the rest of forever will be easier to deal with if i've got someone who loves there at my side. which reminds me...i need a man...wait scrathc that, i need prince charming, and pronto.