<< december 3, 1998 >>

yay! part three of chasing the past is up, kay, done with that now...next item on the list. courtney didn't call brain and craig, that's a load off of my shoulders. i had alerady begun to devise ways of getting out of there before he tried to rape me, i'm conviced he would've. he woulda screwed me the first night we met and he hardly knew my name by that point. i hated that thought, and he wanted to do it behind a truck on a street corner, not a good location! that's just one less thing i've gotta worry about now, we've still gotta do something though, cause i need to hang with her, we haven't in a while, too much else going on.

today was another horrible day. it all started when i managed to cut my finger open with a knife while tryign to cut in half a bagel. and it came to it's wonderful climax when i inhaled the copper sulfate in the chemistry lab and almost vomiteed up the contents of my stomach right in front of heath...that would've been mortifying. he'd never let me live it down, and he's jsut so perfect, i wouldn't want to do anythign dumb in front of him and ruin my chances (not that there are any chances, but still, just in case...). i've just about given up on the male race in general. i'm the girl they can brag to about how drunk they got the night before, or use to copy the entire chemisty lab book, or get answers from, but as a girlfriend, never. never, ever. i hate that thought even though i really haven't found a guy that's worth my time, and my heart yet. at least not a guy that is actually attainable (taylor hanson and any member of the bsbs unfortunately do not fit into that category). i guess i'll just keep being me, and wait around for a guy, as much as that really sucks, and as bad as i need to get some now that i've gotten a taste for it. sometimes i really hate my life.

i keep thinking about the day that becca made a point to ask me what i was listening to on my headphones, in fron of the entire bus (yes, i hate my entire bus even more now). hanson, i say softly, ready for the laughter and ridicule, no one here my age likes hanson, it's like a sin or something. hanson, you're kidding right?-that was heather, my 'seat buddy' -yay! i just love her, let me tell you... yeah, hanson, i'm listening to hanson, i answer more surely. ewww! no way, not in my seat, turn it off now. she demands and i just put the headphones on again so that i can't hear what they're saying. i really can't stand the way the like, look at me now that they know what i'm listening. i don't see what's so wrong with liking hanson, and they know nothing of hanson besides mmmbop, and hanson is so much more than that. i want to be able to explain it to people, explain why i love them so much. it took me until today to realize exactly why i can't do that, and it's because i can't tell tehm, i son't know myself yet. it's like this emotion, this overbearing, but lovely feeling and i live for it. hanson is like the air to me, i need ot breathe it in all the time, and they're so refreshing in this cynical fucking world. but i can't describe this emotion, becuase i just don't have the words. if i tried to make it clear it would just sound so much worse, i would do my emotion no justice here. i'll bet taylor ike and zac could make one hell of a song out of the way i feel right now, they're good like that :) but after watching fanatic for the first time i decided that aaron was the perfect candidate, and he was amazing. i cried through that whole interview after he told his story about his nephews, ijust lost it and couldn't get it back. he was so amazing with the boys.

i guess i should go now, and drink some ginger ale like mr. david told me to so my throat would stop burning from the chemicals i inhaled...i hate chem lab soo so much now, i have the worst luck in there, i swear. and i'm allergic to all of those chemicals waht with my lovely rad hair, light eyes, and fair skin, i'm the fucking allergy poster girl according to my doctor. and maybe i'm allergic to myself to cause i can't stop hurting myself, and it's not even on purpose. i gotta go now, cause this is getting nonsensical and stuff like that. laters.