I Don't Know
~
Sometimes I stay up night by myself and think.
A lot of people would either frown or smile upon that I guess. I tend to think it's a replacement for the therapy I will neither put up with or afford. I figure if talking to a stranger is what your supposed to do talking to myself is about as good as it gets and hell its free.
Lately I've been thinking not so alone. My nights have been endless phone calls of tears and promises. The starting note is always the opposite of the ending note and at the end all I'm left with is knowing I'm going to regret the hour of sleep I got in the morning and that with all this new knowledge my life won't really be all that much better.
Being alone is a weird concept. Sometimes in a crowd full of people you feel alone while you sit at home you by yourself you can feel like the most loved and though of person. With him over there I feel alone sometimes, he's there in my heart but my head never agrees with my heart and never will. He says the same to me, it's hard being alone when you have a love that great. You feel the need to cast out that emptiness and fill it with something. Unfortunately you have to cast of the responsibility of the love that fills the rest of your being away.
Sometimes I wonder if I deal with things right, I feel not quite myself lately. And I wonder is that because I have no identity without him? or just because I don't know.
I've been asked to believe in faith and hope again. I stay up tonight and wonder if I will be able to. I'd relied on it for so long and it takes everything from me. I don't know if I'm willing to trust it again for longer this time.
I gave myself up today, I don't know what that means to me yet or what it meant to him. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, I mean when you get punched there's pain but I know I should feel something. It's all gone now, kind of like I'm a shell. I sometimes feel like I'm waking around and watching people outside of myself. I'm hiding I guess. Wishing that someone would find me, that they would bring me out into the light again. I don't know where to go from here.
Everything has taken on a new meaning, I want to change it all even when I hate change. I think maybe I can make it better even though I'm just hiding again. Hiding from things because I don't want to make them work I want it to be different. SO it's harder and I don't have time to think or feel. SO I cannot miss the absence of it.
Its time like this where I can sit back and just say, No I'm not thinking or feeling anything. I just don't know.
~
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