Steven Wright Sayings (and look-alikes} Page 2
From various sources, some from memory, grouped in a semi-random
way.
MISCELLANEOUS
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she
has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on
a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise."
I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where
you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few
seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were
in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're
the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car
and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang.
He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The
other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..."
The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.Jones, the student loan director from
your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and
the university you attended said that they received none of the
$17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened
to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight.
I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a
nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called
me again."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy,
were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on
all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty
good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put
batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh,
that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did
it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only
way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not
Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth
with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he
walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was
another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking
the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder
with a coathanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved
roads.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The
team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He
thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I
said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief
took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from
George.
ENGLISH
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.
Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in
a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn
on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know."
I said, "I don't want your job."
SIMILARITY / ANALOGY
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't
notice until I got it set up. People complained because they
couldn't see the lake.
WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age
in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll
be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION)
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
SELF
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get
to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that
all the time.
NAAAHH
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
TRIVIALIZATION
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took
them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay
in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One
of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what
to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want
white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm
good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up
the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in
the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all
the time.
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.
A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when
you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls
on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only
ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four
and a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It
told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to
give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New
York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned
a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out,
it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of
them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a
spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a
blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees
were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,
"I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the
one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi
places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
And here's one from [email protected] (Andrew Arensburger):
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the
hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Back to the living room