I'm not into working out. My philosophy:
No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

When I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific,
because nobody is a somebody.

When you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a
car he sticks his head out the window.

When anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a
maniac.

When you have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket "You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic
tone, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the
Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.