Jokes

THINGS TO PONDER

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
   they already know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know
    the battery is dead?

3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
   appear bright until you hear them speak?

4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
   as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

6. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
    Shouldn't they be called builts?

7. Why is the alphabet in that order?

8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
    universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
    would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
    (I've tried it, it doesn't work)

10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

15. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
    open, it's not a door?

16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he
gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs.
Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some
exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The
doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know,
I'm 140 miles away!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out
the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at
my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I
stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get
pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I
want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead
right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like
he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "Take some weight off, go to a health club."
This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

An attractive sexy girl goes up to the bar in a quiet rural Pub. She gestures to
the Barman in a most alluring way. When he arrives, she seductively signals that
he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so she begins to gently
caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the Publican?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands
up his face and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the Barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I
can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the Ladies Room"

Real Signs

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've
got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed
up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

A Texan in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to
the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts
by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an
antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he
explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I
was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies
and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...