Source: US Weekly
Credit to Millie858
For the past 2 hours,AJ Mclean has been talking at his Malibu,
California, home about the alcoholism that led him into rehab in
2001. Then, through puffs of cigarette smoke, the Backstreet Boy
delves deeper. He has something he wants to get off his chest:He has
screwed up. Bad. First, he blew the more than a year of sobreity he
had since leaving the Sierra Tucson rehab clinic in Aug. 2001 by
popping a few prescription drugs and smoking pot.
But thats not all. When aspiring singer Sarah Martin, his fiancee,
passes by he runs and grabs her into a bear hug. But the tall beauty
remains reserved. As she sits downm she's still wearing her
engagement ring on her left hand. Then she confirms it:Their wedding,
originally scheduled for Valentine's Day, has been postponned-
indefinitely-because Mclean cheated on her.
Though the original announcement of the delay was first attributed in
the press to "need more time for planning", Mclean 25 and Martin 27-
together for 3 years-confess a more agonizing story. Just over a
month ago, Mclean left the home they share to do some studio work for
the night-and ended up in the arms of a fellow AA Confidante. When he
got back a suspicious Martin battered him with questions, then called
his AA friend who confessed everything. Now Martin is moving out. And
Mclean has been living with his sponsor until he can find the courage
to move back into their empty 7,000 sq.ft home. He is weary,
contrite. "I chose to go out and have sex with someone else, with no
meaning, just to validate myself,That's how insane I am.That's how
insane all addicts are." And now he badly wants to get it right. "i
love this woman unconditionally," says Mclean. "But i need to work on
being on a better man. It has nothing to do with her. I need to work
on me. This is God giving me my last chance to get it straight."
In 2001, Mclean seemed to have it together when he left rehab telling
reporters,"I feel great and i look great." Soon after, he was back on
tour with the band. Four months later, he was engaged with Martin,
whom he met at a karaoke bar in 2000. And just weeks after that he
bought the Malibu home and he and Martin moved in. It was everything
counselors-wary of relapses had warned against. They begged him to
finish working through his issues ,including depression following the
2001 death of his grandma. Says Mclean:"Now thats all resurfacing."
Slipping Up
Dragging on a chain of cigarettes, Mclean struggles to explain his
addiction. Why him? Why are the other BAckstreet Boys-who also have
access to the same vices of rock and roll stardom-additicon
free? "They had control." says Mclean, a Florida native who began his
drinking at 14. "Me? I had a drink every night." Jack Daniels. And
sometimes cocaine from a friend."I didnt even know half the things
that were wrong with me mentally-depression-wise,self-esteem issues,
not feeling wanted."
He hegan skipping sound checks and arriving late for events;partying
left his vocals scratchy. In July 2001, in the middle of the band's
Black and Blue Tour, everything came to a head. The guys had agreed
to pitch for a Boston Little League Game, Mclean who had partied
late, refused to rise in the morning, causing his bandmates to fly
into a rage. Mclean shifts in his chair as he remembers:He decided to
quit the band, he was so furious. Then, later that morning he broke
in sobs. He knew he was out of control. Within hours he was arranging
to fly out for rehab.
The tour was out on hold, costing the band millions of dollars."The
guys weren't jerks about it or anything," Mclean says, "But there was
a lot at stake." So 30 days after his month long stay, he went back
on the road with his rehab sponsor on tour with him.Mclean remained
sober but "I was already feeling those self-destructive issues. I
thought, how can Sarah love me if i cant even love myself? I thought
if i put her on lockdown by putting a ring on her finger everything
would be OK" On Dec. 17,2001 in front of Martin's mom, he popped the
question.
Other Troubles
But then came the $75 mill. lawsuit the Boys filed in late 2002
against their label,Zomba Records, as well as the email from his mom
telling him she wouldnt be attending his nuptials (she has been his
managing his career and was upset he sought out more professional
management). Mclean was devastated. He raided a friend's stash of
Vicodin and pot. Though he swears he got right back on the wagon, a
few weeks later, he lost control again-this time cheating on his
bride-to-be. "I realize that i wanted to get married because i didnt
want to be alone, he says but i just couldnt say it. Instead I go out
and do something hurtful". Martin is composed but angry "I dont like
the man who cheated on me," she says. Still he touches her often- a
hug here, a brush there. And she let him . She pledges to support
him, even joining Al-Anon, a group for loved ones of alcoholics. But
for now they consider themselves "separated".
Mclean is simply grateful shes still around. "i'm in love with her,"
he says. But a lot of work lies ahead. He's sober again (90 days), he
is in therapy, he attends weekly AA meetings and he talks everyday
with his sponsor. "i figure i got 2 choices. Either i can be the man
i want to be, or i can start drinking again and using again and end
up dead or in jail. I really dont want option 2."
I was about 14 when i picked up my first drinks. The Backstreet Boys
had just broken in Europe amd tjeu were all these parties. And we
partied. By the time we broke in New York in 1997, I was into hard
liquor,out till 4 in the morning getting drunk, driving drunk, doing
stupid things. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, the whole stereotype.
Around 2000, I switched to Jack Daniel's, which was my downfall. We
had just released Millennium. I never drank or used before a show,
but after, I would get smashed. The band would see me out of my mind
and say, "AJ we're worried about you." Every sign was coming my way
in big,bright neon letters. And I never saw it.Then my grandmother
died. I had a bottle of Jack in the trunk.I drank half of that. I did
a bunch of coke. I did a bunch of pills. I really went overboard with
it. It took a divine intervention to happen later-in Boston Kevin
Richardson yelling at me,calling me a worthless piece of crap-for me
to go, "OK, Something is wrong." When he walked out of the room, I
started to cry. I went upstairs and sat the band down. All four were
crying. I said "Fellas, I need help.I've got one option.I'm going to
rehab." I left the day after.Right off the bat, we did grief work. I
did a whole thing about my grandmother, and I just lost it. From that
day, I let the program work for me. I had a setback, but I have 90
days of sobriety again, and I'm finally getting myself in the right
place to work the program.
AJ Timeline
1992-Takes 1st drink at 14.
1997-First Backstreet Boys album, Backstreet Boys, hits the US. AJ
switches to hard liquor, partying until 4 in the morning
2000-Moves on to Jack Daniel's "my downfall" as well as cocaine and
ecstacy
2001-Enters Arizona Sierra Tucson rehab clinic in July.Asks Sarah to
marry him:she says yes
2003-Sleeps with AA Confidante;Martin moves out and their wedding is
indefinitely postponed; they are still engaged