12 Days

Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman had
delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a
thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been
more suprised. With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
--------------------------------------------

Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
You big silly, what next?
All my love, Aberdine
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Dearest John,
Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity-3 French
Hens! they are just darling, but I must insist,
you have been to kind.
Love Aberdine
-------------------------------------------------

Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now
really, they are beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You're being too romatic.
Affectionately, Aberdine
-----------------------------------------------

Dear John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5
Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All My love Aberdine
------------------------------------------------

Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese
A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will
I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to
complain, and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially, Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

John,
What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a
swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house and they
never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with
those F---ing birds already.
Sincerely, Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

Okay buster,
I think I prefer the birds. what the hell am I to
do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but
they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's
manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my
own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off,
smart-ass!
Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

Hey shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They
haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting
upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors
have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll
get yours...
Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

You rotten prick!
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night
long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows
can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask
to ask the police to intertvene. One who means it.
Venomously, Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------

Listen F---head:
What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those
maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never
walk again! Those pipers have run through the
maids and are commiting beastiality with the cows.
All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead!
They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied you rotten, viscious, swine.
Your sworn enemy, Aberdine
------------------------------------------------

Dear sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction
of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Aberdine at the Happy Vally Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter, please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole
Attourneys at Law
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