match of the day...

The first in our series of matchsticks is French-Canadian chanteuse Celine Dion. Celines' tiny torso and talented tonsils first (dis)graced our screens in 1988, when she represented Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Celine realised not long after, that, in order to aquire the vast fortune that she currently enjoys, she would have to tighten her belt somewhat. A practice that she has stuck to ever since.

She lives on a diet of woodshavings and monkey urine in order to keep that trim 4 inch waistline! But she herself says that the battle is never really over.

"I know I shouldn't have the woodshavings- they're a bit of an extravagence, but I just can't resist them. I hope that one day I'll just disappear". Don't we all Celine!! "Unfortunately most of my weight at the moment comes from my hair, which weighs an enormous 4ounces, so I may have to shave it off, because standing on the bathroom scales in the morning is just so depressing!"

Celine Dion is currently learning Chinese, Indian and Russian so that she can torture several billion more of the earths' population with her ridiculous balladeering.