     ษออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป
     บ                                                      บ
     บ  A GUIDE TO THE IDENTIFICATION AND CLASSIFICATION   บ
     บ   OF NORTH AMERICAN FARTS                บ
     บ                                                      บ
     ศออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ

	Learning or better still, thinking up names for fart types
is a traditional early-adolescent ritual.  Similarly, methods of
identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer group, or
tribal, speculation; the usual rule of thumb being "he who
smelled it, dealt it," or "the smeller's the feller."


	Occasionally, this oral tradition has achieved the level of
Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis,
along the lines of Jane's Fighting Ships or A Field Guide to
Birds, been attempted in print.  Tentatively, then, we present
the following:


อออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออ
                                                              

1.  BLIND FARTS - Traditional noiseless reekers.             
                                                              

2.  BOOMERS -  Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent
organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of
ill-concealed pride.                              
                                                  

3.  CARPET CREEPERS - Heavier than air creations, these linger
and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source
invariably anonymous, having left the room.       
                                                  

4.  FIZZLES - Efforts at first promising, but eventually
unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often surprisingly
effective upon bystanders.  Often the last of a series;
originator betrays disappointment.                
                                                  

5.  FUDGIES - See WET ONES.                       
                                                  

6.  ONE-CHEEK SNEAKS - Attempted surreptitious contributions,
usually signified by the artist's telltale "tilting." 
Ricocheting off metal bridge chairs or church pews, they possess
satisfactory resonance to produce blushes, giggles, glares, etc.
                                                  

7.  POOHS - Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied but
lacking sonority; popular on busses; customarily unacknowledged.
                               

8.  SBDs - (Silent But Deadly)  Consistent with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what an SBD lacks in audible qualities is
comensated for by a semi-lethal olfactory intensity.  The
mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person
glancing about suspiciously.


9.  SCREAMERS - High pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of
astonishing duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably
exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by the
presence of officious bureaucrats.


10. SLIDERS - See ONE-CHEEK SNEAKS.


11. SQUEEGIES - Small, immature and moist products.  Humiliating
for all concerned.


12. WET ONES - (A.K.A. Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). 
Samples are accompanied be guttural, rasping, or lisping sound,
indicating vaporous content.  Originator registers astonishment,
dread, and then departs, walking funny.

อออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออ                                                                                                  