Basic Driving Skills

• Jump into your car. If children are near, honk your horn and yell.
• Before starting out, make sure that your knees are in an angle where you can comfortably steer with them.
• It is not nessesary to wear your seatbelt unless you see a cop nearby.

Steering

• Hand position: left hand at 12 o' clock. This free's the right hand to chug a coke or put on your make-up.
• When turning a corner, one handed trick steering is definately the way to go.

Manual Transmissions

• Manual transmissions are the best vehicles for racing on city streets.
• To race effectively, you must learn to power shift and trick shift. Trick shifting can be used at any time.
• It is best to always be in 5th gear. To do this, you should always drive at least 180km/h. On corners, you may slow down to 170km/h and shift to a lower gear so that maximum RPM and torque can be obtained.

Stopping

• It is improtant to check your brakes regularly, because threshold braking should be used regularly.
• Never stop unless it is unavoidable.
• Never stop if a cop car is chasing you. In this situation, you are required to travel as fast as your car can go OR until your car runs out of gas. If you run out of gas, this should not be a problem, a gas tank should always be in your trunk.

Backing

• When backing, it is not nessesary to check for cars coming from behind. If they rear-end you, they will be paying for the damages.
• Back your car as quickly as you can. It is bad for you to travel at walking speeds.

Parking

• Park anywhere available. If you must park on a sidewalk, people can walk around your car.
• Only park in an intersection if you are desprate.
• You can park by a stop sign if you knock it down first. That way no cop will charge you for parking by a stop sign, you will be on top of it.
• If a guy cheeses you off, make sure you box him in.

Parallel Parking

• To parallel park, whip into the first spot you find. It is OK to take two spots. It is also OK to rock the cars you are parking inbetween.

Hill Parking

• When parking uphill, let your bumper rest on the car behind you.
• When parking downhill, let your bumped rest on the car in front of you.

Turns & Intersections

• If you arrive at a crosswalk and there is no sign of pedestrians, there is no need to slow down.
• If you arrive at a crosswalk and there are pedestrians, proceed through the intersection while honking your horn so that pedestrians know to wait for you.
• At a four way stop, let your car roll through the stop.
• Directions given by a police officer supposedly overrule all traffic devices, in this case bear down on the cop at full speed causing him to jump out of the way.

Right of Way

• Your way is always the right of way.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people, I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too !@#$headed to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.