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You know you're a redneck when:
• You ask for change at a charity drive. (Submitted by: Shanon Schilling)
• You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
• Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
• You've ever been blacklisted in a bowling alley.
• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
• Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
• You owe a taxidermist more than yuour monthly income.
• You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
• You have a hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
• You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
spare a loved one.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
• Your school fight song has "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state
trooper to kiss her ass.
• Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
• You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the
car.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance
restrictions.
• You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."
• You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
• After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• All of your four letter words are two syllables.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
• You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You have grease under your toenails.
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You've
ever cleaned fish in your living room.
• You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
• The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
• You think a family reunion is a good place to meet chicks.
• You miss your sister's wedding because your best bowling shirt is at the cleaners.
• Your front porch collapses and more than 2 hound dogs are killed.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• You've ever yelled "squeal like a piggy" when making love.
• You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
• You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
• You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the
last piece of chicken.
• When packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to use paper or
plastic.
• You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
• You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
• You think the "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means
how much it will hold.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You know you're a redneck if your name consists of more names than you have members
of your family.
• you have trouble with people parking under your truck also, if you see the height
clearance on a bridge and turn your 4WD pickup around.
• you've ever driven across a pond.
• You know you're a red-neck when you get a gun for your wife and think you've made a
good trade.
• In addition, you are a red-neck if you paid more for the tatoo on your wife's right
arm than you did for the ring on her left hand.
• your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said... "Y'all come look at
this before I flush it"
• you go to your family reunion to meet women.
• your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• you've ever been on TV more than three times describing what the tornado sounded
like.
• the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
• you've ever made change in the offering plate.
• your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
• You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue
gestures.
• Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sport event.
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
• You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
• You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
• The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, Shithead?".
• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of
it.
• you've ever used lard in bed.
• you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• you've ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police.
• the highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.
• you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
• there is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.
• you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper entertainment.
• your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.
• you PREFER to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hemn them.
• someone asks to see your i.d. and you show them your belt buckle.
• less than half of the cars you own run.
• your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.
• You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• you have ever used lard in bed.
• you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
• you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
• you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
• your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• the primary color of your car is bondo.
• URA Redneck if: directions to your house include "Turn off the paved
road."
• your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
• your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
• you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
• you have a rag for a gas cap.
• the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
• you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
• your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
• you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
• your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
• you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
• your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
• the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
• you mow the front yard and find a car.
• your other truck is made by John Deere.
• you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
• going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
• you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
• you ever got too drunk to fish
OK, enough Redneck jokes...
In ancient greece, how did they seperate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
Submitted by: [email protected]