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**Some of these jokes may be offensive to people who don't have a sense of humor**
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
'statue', "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and
nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The pope, the president, the smartest man in the world, and a boy scout were all riding a plane when the pilot announced that they were going to crash and they only had 3 parachutes aside from the ones for himself and the stewardess. The 3 immediately stated their cases as to why they should get a parachute. The pope stood up "I am the leader of the largest religion in the world therefore I get a parachute!" and with that the pope grabs a parachute and jumps, then the president gets up and says "I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world!" so the president grabs a parachute and jumps, finally the smartest man in the world stands up and says "I am the smartest man in the world!" So with that the boy scout is left by himself, he goes up to the pilot laughing as hard as anyone has ever laughed before, and the pilot inquires "How can you laugh in the face of certain death?" and the boy scout replied "I'm not laughing at death, I'm laughing because the smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!"
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very
cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second
thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet President out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today.
You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the
Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first surgeon
said, "I think that accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "I think that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "I think that electricians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I think that lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're
heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the
bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him
how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,
the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in
here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed
that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right
in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!"
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they
are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and
asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making
love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50
bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been
saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though,
she gave me $20 change!"
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my
wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of
the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a
minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After
awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're
gonna build a house."
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city,
so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find
it, so she asks a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the Capitol
building?"
The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll
take you right there."
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the
Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was
three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus
just went by!"
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking
to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is
hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that
she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your
blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the
baby on the bus!"
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though
there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer
fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to
attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients
to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just
before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem,
the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.
When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!"
and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were
well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get
a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going
on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What
happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some
guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
A guy went into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The
bartender handed him a draft beer and left it in front of the guy. The
bartender then returned to the other end of the bar. The guy drank half
the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender saw
this and just shook his head.
The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and
resisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing.
Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his
left hand. The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunk
people, but this guy was sober!
The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and found
that he couldn't resist asking, "Buddy, I can't help noticing what you're
doing. What's going on?"
The guy looked at him and said, "What does look like? My date and I are
having a drink!"
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way
up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach,
so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out
of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see
me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room
skylight."
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she
finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen.
Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood
the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice
boomed
back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you
thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could
never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"
"Don't stop."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want
for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little
boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my
bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the
bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the
string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it
started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has
been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to
cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that
string. It'll come back to ya!"
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is
time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I
want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief
description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd
like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that
was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make
love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind
the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small
puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to
take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
pants and snuck him on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and
quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine,"
said
the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you
sure you're alright sir?" "Yes," said the man, "but I have a
confession to
make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so
I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped
out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling
up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He
proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his
pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old
guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my
face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that
when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad
that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the
window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the
blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because
he can't see.
The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long
fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The
rabbit was happy to know what he was.
He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you
are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and
slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."