A Final Fantasy Christmas Carol Adapted from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol Written by John Zeitler (c) 1997 John Zeitler. LEGAL B.S.: You may reproduce this document, either electronically or xerographically, freely with the sole obligation that you do not fail to acknowledge the author as sole writer. You may not perform this play without written consent of the author and Squaresoft, Inc. Characters (c) 1994 Squaresoft, Inc. This play is not endorsed or authorized by Squaresoft, and the author is not liable for lawsuits resulting from performance of this play. CAST OF CHARACTERS: Ebenezer Scrooge: Setzer Gabbiani Bob Cratchit: Locke Cole Carolers: various moogles James Scrooge: Edgar Roni Figaro Ghost of Marley: Strago Magus Ghost of Christmas Past: Cyan Garamonde Miss Danielle: Terra Branford Ghost of Christmas Present: Mog Felicia Cratchit: Celes Chere Tiny Tamara: Relm Arrowny Ghost of Christmas Future: Shadow Mourners: various extras Head Caroler: Sabin Rene Figaro Young Man: Gau Narrator Scene 1: Narrator: It was a cold, bleak winter in Kohlingen. The snow had fallen, and the skies were looking especially gloomy- but even they could not match the gloominess in Setzer Gabbiani's heart and visage. Setzer was a man of few words- usually these had something to do either with gambling or money, but mostly the former. His trade was set up at the offices of Gabbiani and Magus, but those two names were not the only souls to inhabit that establishment. No, Locke Cole, assistant bookkeeper and apprentice treasure hunter, also worked there. Perhaps a first look at the house would lead some to conclude that it was simply another house. But to find the gold within- which was jealously guarded, mind you- one must look deep inside. (Camera zooms in on sign reading "Gabbiani and Magus, bet-placers since 1996". Door opens, and various moogles are thrown out by Setzer.) Setzer: (yelling) I have no money to donate! Leave me be! (As door closes, camera zooms in to Setzer's face. Fade/dissolve to inside of office. Locke is hunched over a desk in the corner, and Setzer storms off to a door in the back. A quick shot of the fireplace reveals that there are icicles forming on the firegate. Locke stands up, shivers, and walks toward the fireplace.) Setzer: Where do you think you're going?! Locke: It's too cold. The ink is frozen over. (holds up pen. Ink bottle hangs from end.) I'm just going to put a few coals into the fire- (glances at fireplace) -that is, get a fire going. Setzer: Cole, did it ever occur to you that coal costs money? Locke: I understand, sir, but- (drowned out by moogles trying- very hard- to sing "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen". Various "Kupo"s and "Moog"s are interjected at random points in the song. Setzer opens the door. Locke visibly shivers and rolls his eyes.) Setzer: Will somebody please shoot these moogles? It's not bad enough they have to make such a racket, but they aren't even singing right! (Sabin walks over to the moogle who appears to be leading the choir, and whispers in his ear; we cannot hear what he says. Sabin then looks at Setzer.) Sabin: You scrooge! They're trying their best! Setzer: Well that's not good enough! Go on, get out of here! (closes door. Shot of office. Icicles in fireplace quite obvious now.) Well, Cole, if you really think we need more heat, then go ahead, but it's coming out of your Christmas bonus. Locke: But sir, you don't give a Christmas bonus. Setzer: Oh, that's right. Well, you can stay another hour anyway. Locke: Speaking of time, sir, thank you for letting me have tomorrow off. Setzer: Huh? I let you take tomorrow off? No, I don't believe I did. Locke: Wha... But sir, it's Christmas! Setzer: All the more reason you should stay! There's some big Chocobo Polo matches tomorrow afternoon, and you know what that means- lots of bets and lots of business! You can't take tomorrow off, it's too much for one soul! Locke: But, but, I... Setzer: None of that, now, Cole! Buck up! By the way, I won't be in tomorrow. Scouting out the Chocobo races, you know. Put some coal on the fire, will you? Can't afford to catch a chill. (Locke rolls his eyes.) (Door opens, and Edgar steps in.) Edgar: Merry Christmas! Setzer: Edgar, yes. What do you want? Edgar: I came to invite you to Christmas dinner tonight. Locke, hi, you and your folks can come, too, if you want. Locke: Thanks, but- Setzer: -He can't. He has to work. And I can't either. Have to clean house. So sorry. Good day. (turns toward door.) Edgar: Huh. Well, if that's any way to treat your brother, I'll be- Setzer: Why should I come? It's just spending three hours eating a meal which could be over in twenty minutes. And mindless chatter with friends whose names mean nothing to me! I could forget them in thirty seconds. Five bucks says they do the same. (Locke tries to step closer to fireplace, which is completely iced over now, but cannot. His foot is stuck in a glacier which formed during the discussion.) Edgar: Setzer, you always say the same thing. Can't you take a little time off? Setzer: Time? Ha! Time is money, brother, and money is money. Don't confuse the two. Edgar: It's only money. You can live without it. Setzer: I can also live without your Christmas dinner. Edgar, you haven't learned, have you? Such affairs are so infinitesimally insignificant that nobody in their right mind would bother setting one up anyway. Edgar: I suppose you're going to say the entire world is crazy, then. Setzer: Yes! Why waste time, energy, and- most importantly, money- on something that lasts only one night? It's a bad gamble, Edgar, and one I'm better off passing on. Good evening. (Locke struggles with his foot.) Edgar: Well, Locke, how about you? Are you willing to have some fun? Locke: Well, Celes and Relm and I were going to go to church, then, but we'll see. Perhaps we can make it afterwards. Setzer: Fine, just remember to get the Davis accounts straightened out before you leave. (Opens office door.) Edgar: Wait. (pulls small wrapped package out of his duffle bag.) Sarah and I picked it out for you. (Hands gift to Setzer, who examines it carefully.) Setzer: (mumbling) Thank you. Edgar: Merry Christmas, Setzer. Setzer: Bah, humbug. (to Locke) Where have I heard that before? Locke: Merry Christmas, Edgar. Edgar: Thanks, same to you, Locke. (leaves office) Setzer: Don't tell me you actually buy all that Christmas garbage, do you? Locke: Perhaps it would do you a bit of good to actually believe it yourself, sir. (Foot pops free, Locke falls.) Setzer: (rolls eyes) Remember the Davis books, Cole. (Fade to scene two.) Scene 2: (Shot of Setzer's inner office. Pan across back wall, where there are old b&w portrait photos of, from left to right, Crono, Rydia, John Lennon, and Marle. After panning across Marle's picture, fade to Setzer's face, which looks like the face on the "Dead Presidents" video sleeve. Stacks of gold coins are on his left side, and his right hand is clasped around the neck of a bottle sitting on the desk to his right.) (Clock strikes midnight, chains clank, Setzer looks up and spills the bottle.) Setzer: Who.... Who's there? (Chains clank louder, Setzer reaches for a pistol in his desk) Setzer: Sorry, no bets after- (checks watch) -midnight. (Knocking on door, chains clank VERY loud) Setzer: Don't come in! (Door opens, Strago enters. He is covered in chains and missing his right arm.) Strago: Howdy, gambler. (Setzer fires gun. Door falls off its hinges.) Strago: No need to overreact, Setzer. Setzer: S... Strago Magus! How've you been? Strago: Dead, fool! And in eternal torment! Setzer: Funny, I don't see any evidence of exposure to country music. Strago: This is not the time for wisecracks! You are in mortal danger, Setzer! Setzer: Yeah, right. Listen, old man, we may have been partners, but you died. This is all mine now. Strago: That's the point! Setzer: Huh? Oh, no. You're not getting any of my money! I earned this! Strago: By swindling betters, cheating borrowers, and abusing Locke Cole! Setzer: Hey, I never touched him. Strago: You know exactly what I mean! Forcing him to work all hours, and on Christmas, to boot! You ought to be ashamed! Setzer: I don't need a morality lecture from you, old man. You taught me every lie. Every twist. Every nuance. We were brilliant. Strago: And look where it got me! Setzer: Come on, old man, you always wore chains and leather. Strago: But was I ever at work wearing locks and missing an arm? Setzer: N... N... No, but, now that you mention it... Strago: Shut up! Shut up! I'm forever doomed, but you still have a chance. You can be saved! Setzer: Yeah? Name one person who's gonna save me. Strago: I'll do better than that. I'll name three. Tonight, you're gonna be met by three spirits. The spirits of Christmas. Listen to them, or end up like me! Setzer: Right, three ghosts. Got it. What about you? Strago: Gotta go tee up. The Devil doesn't like to be kept waiting. (Strago leaves office.) Strago (from off stage): Expect the first ghost in fifteen seconds. Feel free to panic in that time. (Fifteen seconds pass. Setzer remains calm. Cyan walks in, wearing full armor and a sword at his side. Setzer panics.) Cyan: Wherefore art thou panicking? Setzer: Exsqueeze me? Cyan: I saidst, wherefore art thou panicking? Setzer: (slowly) Speak English! Cyan: Mine name be the Spirit of Christmas Past. I am here to escorteth thee on the first part of thine journey. Setzer: I can see we are going to have a problem in communication here. So, you're the ghost, eh? Do something ghostly, then. Make my ex-girlfriend appear here. (Terra enters office.) Terra: Hello, Setzer. Setzer: T... Terra.... Cyan: She cannot hear or see thee. But, mayhap if thou listen carefully, then thou may hear thine own voice respond to her questions. Setzer's voice: Oh, hello, Terra. Do you have your father's debt? Terra: Father sent me to tell you he cannot pay. Setzer: Fine, great. I remember what I said next. I said, Setzer's voice and Setzer: Then you may go. Terra: What? Setzer's voice: You heard me. Get out. Terra: I... I thought... what you said... Setzer: Take it back, you moron! Tell her you want to marry her! Anything but- Setzer's voice: I never said I loved you. You said you loved me. Love and money are two different things, woman. And I cannot have both. Terra: (angry) So you'll choose money over love? Then, fine! Merry Christmas, Setzer- Now and forever! Setzer's voice: Get out! (Thunderclap) Terra: Good-bye, Setzer. (Slowly leaves office.) Setzer: What a scumwad! What a fool! I can't believe I was such a shmuck! Cyan: Pay the piper, gambler. You made many bets, but not all hath turn'd out to thy liking. Setzer: So I made some bad choices in the past. Big deal. Things can be fixed, right? I'll look her up in the morning. Cyan: That's not quite good enough. We must continue. (Strago and Locke enter office. Strago is wearing a business suit, and has his right arm.) Strago: Setzer, I think the load is a little too much for us to bear. So, I've hired this man, Locke Cole, to work as a bookkeeper. Locke: How do you do. Setzer's voice: Mmm. Strago, are you certain we need this guy? I'm doing well on my months for the books. Strago: True, but I think you ought to have some time to yourself. You hardly get out as it is. Setzer: (out loud, apparently to nobody) Yeah, you jerk! Get some fresh air! Setzer's voice: Your health is not my concern, old man. Mr. Cole, the books are in the corner desk. You may begin today. Strago: But.. But it's Christmas! Setzer's voice: So? Locke: Yes, sir. (Strago and Locke leave.) Cyan: So, there be thine past. I am obligated to leave thee now, but I shall give thou some sound advice: Thou may takest this a farce, but rememeber that thou shareth the very base fate as Strago. Salvation awaits thee, Setzer.... Farewell. (Cyan leaves the office.) (Setzer sits alone in his chair for a moment. Then, suddenly, he stands up, puts on an overcoat, and leaves the office. Fade to black.) Scene 3: (Street in Kohlingen. Setzer steps out of his office and locks the door just as the clock strikes three. All the streetlights are out except one, just outside the office. Mog is leaning against the lamppost.) Setzer: Are you... Mog: The one and only, Ghost of Christmas Present! Setzer: Oh, great. A moogle. Mog: Hey, chump, you're looking at the only guy who can show you what's going on now. Get this- You've ruined the day for everybody you've come in contact with! Setzer: I let Cole turn up the fire. Mog: You made him stay until ten o'clock! Face it, bookie, you may be a pro, but you're really a scum. Setzer: Are you going to insult me, or are you going to get out of here? Mog: I rather like insulting you, so I'll stick around for a while. Anyway, speaking of Mr. Cole... Do you even know his first name? Setzer: Huh? Cole has a first name? Wait, lemme guess... Lucca? Lenny? Mog: Locke!!! (Spotlight turns on Locke, Celes, and Relm. Locke and Celes are seated at a table, and Relm is playing with a doll underneath a sparsely decorated Christmas tree. There is a crutch laying next to her. On the table is a very small chicken.) Celes: Relm, honey, come to dinner. Relm: Okay, mama. (Relm picks up crutch and hobbles over to the table. She sits down across from Celes.) Locke: We should be thankful for the wonderful dinner we have, thanks to Mr. Gabbiani. Celes: We'd probably be more grateful if he was a little more generous! Relm: Mama, don't say that. Mr. Gabbiani is a nice man. He gave us what we have. Locke: You're right. I'm going to go in tomorrow and demand a raise. (Spotlight dims slowly as Locke, Celes, and Relm begin eating.) Setzer: What's wrong with the little girl? Mog: She's disabled. Much like you, only her problem's in her leg and yours is in your head. Setzer: Can I ever get a straight answer out of you? Mog: Nope. But you seem to be missing a big part of the ceremony. Setzer: Huh? They had a bird. Mog: Yeah, a big turkey. (points to Setzer) Setzer: Listen, you hairball, you either tell me what I missed or I rip that antenna off your head. Mog: Love!!! (Spotlight turns on Terra. She is kneeling, crying, and scrubbing at a floor.) Setzer: Oh, no... What happened? Mog: You happened, Cassanova. You spread it around that her father couldn't pay that debt. Nobody hired her, so she became a slave. Nice going, creep. (Spotlight fades.) Setzer: I've got to save her. Mog: Too late, slimeball. She's caught a nasty little bug, and probably won't live longer than six months. But that's not my department. You'll have to talk to the last ghost. (Mog walks off stage. The streetlight slowly flickers, and a spotlight appears as Setzer begins to panic. Shadow walks in and taps Setzer on his shoulder from behind. Setzer jumps.) Setzer: Who are you? Shadow: Who do you think? Setzer: Well, you sure aren't Santa Claus! Shadow: Setzer Gabbianni. Born December 14th, 1974. Died May 21st, 2005. Age 30 years. Relatives: none. Setzer: I'm dead? Next year? Shadow: I am speaking only of the future along this timeline. If you do not change. Setzer: No way. Show me the tombstone. (A spotlight shows up. Various mourners are huddled around a tombstone. Locke and Celes are visibly crying in the front of the crowd.) Setzer: No. This. Is. Not. Happening. To. Me. Is it? Shadow: No. It is not. (The mourners part. The tombstone reads "Relm Tamara Cole, 1994-2005".) Shadow: Relm Tamara Cole. Born April 4, 1994. Died May 16th, 2005. Funeral held May 29th. Delayed due to financial difficulties. No life insurance available. Survived by parents Locke and Celeste (nicknamed Celes). (Two men walk in from the left, carrying an old crate. A spotlight turns on them. One drops his end of the crate.) Man 1 (the one who dropped it): Oops! Man 2: Leave it. It's just that Gabbianni feller. Man 1: He have any money to get himself a decent funeral? Man 2: Nope. Poor guy died penniless. Lost it all when he started drinking. Man 1: What a waste. Man 2: Yeah, I've always thought of him that way. Let's go get a beer. (They leave.) Setzer: No. This will not be true! I can't be dead! Shadow: (sneering) You are. But here's the clincher. You killed yourself. Setzer: How? Why? It would have to be something pretty big to make me off myself. Shadow: Setzer Gabbianni. Autopsy report. Time of death: four thirty-three A. M. Found dead in holding cell six twenty-seven A. M. same day. Hung with wire, blanket, and stepstool. Setzer: (on the verge of tears) But why? Shadow: Kohlingen Times Herald, May seventeenth, 2005. Cover story. Headline: Gabbianni On the Run for Hit and Run. Story reads: Setzer Gabbianni, renowned gambler, is wanted for the late-night hit-and-run murder of Relm Cole. Police are issuing a general warrant. (Setzer collapses, weeping. Shadow continues, mercilessly.) Relm was found dead on the side of Route 17 last night. She was the daughter of Locke and Celes Cole, also of Kohlingen. Locke Cole was under the employ of Mr. Gabbianni until last Christmas, when he was fired after demanding a raise. Mr. Gabbianni was obviously intoxicated at the time of the murder, witnesses say. (Setzer pulls a small flask out of his pocket and throws it at the office door. It makes a harsh clank.) Relm was out on the road looking for a small toy she had lost on the way home from school. There is a collection being held this week to help the Coles, who are still unemployed, with the funeral expenses. Mr. Gabbianni is a fugitive from the law, and anyone caught aiding him in his hiding will be found guilty of obstruction of justice. Setzer: This cannot be allowed to happen! Shadow: Kohlingen Times Herald, May eighteenth, 2005. Cover story. Headline: Gambler Turns Himself In. Story reads: Accused murderer Setzer Gabbianni, wanted for the murder of Relm Cole two days ago, turned himself in to police custody today. He has confessed to the murder, and a hearing will be held on the thirtieth to determine his trial date or sentence. The hearing is open to the public. Setzer: I will not allow this to occur! I will change! (The crate starts bouncing and jolting. The mourners and the Coles, still weeping and mourning, move off to the left. Setzer moves closer to the crate.) Setzer: (Screaming at the crate) I'm ready! Do you hear me! I will change! (All lights except the spot on Setzer and the crate go out. The stage is empty except for them. Setzer drops to his knees.) Setzer (still screaming): I will change! I will change! I will change! (the spot fades slowly as Setzer continues to scream.) Scene 4: (Setzer's office. He is on his knees to the left of his desk. The stacks of coins are scattered about. He is still screaming.) Setzer: I will change! I will change! I will change! I- (Looks around. Calms down. Looks at the clock. Panics.) Oh my- It's Christmas! It's Christmas! I did it! There's so much to do! I've got to get to the Chocobo races, I've got to tell Locke he doesn't have to come in- (glances at the bottle.) -I've got to get more wine! Edgar will probably still be partying... Wait a minute. I have an idea... (Locke walks in. He is carrying an empty sack.) Locke: I'm here, sir. Setzer: (suddenly assuming a business-like tone) Yes, so you are. Well, first, you can start by picking up all of the coins in this room an putting them in that sack of yours. Locke: Do you want them counted? Setzer: Only if you want to. (Locke begins putting in coins one at a time. Setzer gets impatient and starts shoveling in coins, laughing insanely all the while.) Locke: Are you all right, sir? Setzer (opening the safe behind the picture of John Lennon): Of course I'm all right, Locke! (flings gold bars, statues, stacks of bills, anything with value into the sack) I've got the best Christmas present for you. (Locke is visibly confused.) Setzer: Tomorrow that sign out front goes down. Tomorrow, we put up a new one- Cole and Gabbianni, Gamblers By Profession. You're going to be a partner, Locke. Locke: What? You're mad! Setzer: No! This is the happiest day of my life! We're going to split the money four ways- right now! Locke: Four? Setzer: One for you, one for me, one for Relm, and one for... Well, that's not important right now. You can have half the money- on one condition. Locke: And what is that? Setzer: That you use half of it to try to get Relm a cure. She's not dead yet- she can be saved. (Locke puts a finger up in protest, but Setzer pushes it down.) Not a word- tell her it's my gift to the family. Now, let's see about dividing this money... (Fade to black.) Scene 5: (It is outside the office, and Setzer is just leaving. In the street, there is the choir of moogles, led again by Sabin, singing- or at least trying to sing- "Joy to the World". Again, various "kupo"s and "mog"s are interjected throughout the song. Sabin eyes Setzer carefully.) Setzer: Good morning, there! I was just hoping to meet up with you. Here; it's for your group. (He tries to pull a gold bar out of a small sack, but it is stuck. Setzer gets frustrated and drops the entire sack, still closed, at Sabin's feet.) Take it, take it, merry Christmas! (Laughs like a little kid as he walks away to the left. Sabin picks up the sack, looks inside, closes it quickly, and begins directing the choir. They are not any better, but Setzer seems to enjoy it.) (Terra wanders in, coughing and hacking, from the left. Setzer does not see her, and she does not recognize him.) Terra: Excuse me (cough) sir, but could you spare a few gold pieces? I'm very sick... Setzer: Why of course, young- (Realization dawns on him as he sees her face and hears her coughing.) Terra... I- Terra: How do you know my name? (coughs violently, and falls to her knees in the snow. Setzer drops with her.) Setzer: We've got to get you to a doctor. I will not let you go like this, Terra... Terra: Who are you? Your voice, it sounds like- It can't be! (Realization hits her hard, and she starts hacking and shaking. She collapses in his arms. Setzer begins softly weeping. Fade to black, with a spotlight on Setzer and Terra. A second spot comes on, and Cyan, Mog, and Shadow appear in it.) Cyan: So, he hath learned from his past. Mog: Deep down inside, I knew he'd do it. Shadow: Kohlingen Times Herald. May seventeenth, 2005. Lifestyles page. Mr. And Mrs. Setzer Gabbianni. I like it. (Spot on the three fades slowly, and when it's gone, Setzer's and Terra's spot fades.) (Curtain call.) END END FAN FICTION -- Cabbit Extreme 0----5----10--- __ __ Four Posts to AGFF ****| \ \/ / Official as of 10-8-97 0----5----10--- \ \/ Member: "Doubt not what you are capable ------ The Under of. Doubt only your faults; ( <100 ) 100 Club question only your inabilities." ------ --Niora Bennett, d. August 11, 1995 Hi! I'm locke.sig! I'll steal your tagline, 'cause I'm a TAGLINE HUNTER!! Copy me into your .sig and help me out!! Current Trophies: "Sit your ass down in the damn chair and drink your goddamn tea!" -Cid Highwind (Stolen from darkroast@hotmail.com [Dan Wright])