I know, I know, when most people think fun, they don't think, "Hey, let's go to Wal-Mart!" But I've come to realize, over many a Friday night bored off of my ass, and through the experiences of others I have met, that Wal-Mart, Labyrinth of Bargians, is a veritable cornucopia of things to do when you're bored... I mean, where the hell else can you play football, start a cult, and demand that the lobsters are our crustacean brothers in arms all in one evening? You can find paint, duct tape, foods easily falling into the polymer catagory, camcorders, clothing (after a fashion), fish supplies, jewelry, houseplants, toys... and to an enterprising and above all bored youth and his friends, endless hours of entertainment. All under one roof and here's the best part - Wal-Mart is like Hell. It's always open, even on Christmas. So no matter when your finances abandon you, no matter when dire and cruel fate strikes you with lethal boredom, no matter how sober or un-sober you are, it's there for you... One highly suggested form of Wal-Marting is to go when stoned, tripping, or drunk... For obvious reasons of course - That's when Wal-Mart gets REAL fun...
Keep in mind, I'm not encouraging you to do any of this stuff, rather, let me be the first to say that this is provided for it's humor content, if any, only... even if I have done most everything on the list, that doesn't mean you should too... (the above added to keep my ass squeaky-clean)
Oh, and remember, anything you can throw can be used for Aisle Football...
Note: Remember, that while Wal-Mart to you may be a form of entertainment, it may be to someone else a source of purchased goods or even more important, employment. So play nice, and if you happen to injure anyone in your good-natured romping, apologize sincerely, run like hell and forget you ever even saw this website. Capice?
1. Pray in the aisles- this one is hellafun, especially if you have four or five people, and someone like me who does Southern Baptist like a professional televangelist... You might want to bring a hat or two, to see if you can take up a collection...
2. Steal things- okay, so it's illegal, and God, mom, and McGruff say it's wrong, but who are they to judge? Besides, I'm not saying steal store merchandise, I'm saying steal store fixtures, like dollies, employee uniforms, security devices, gumball machines, and "wet floor" signs...
3. Mosh to the lame-ass Muzak.
4. Adopt a lobster- pick a lobster from the tank, name it, and watch it swim... Visciously attack anything that comes near your crustacean pal. Bring it stuff, like a cartful of interesting store merchandise, or a small child...
5. Come in Drag.
6. Build an Aztec pyramid using the ten dollar cheese blocks.
7. Try on clothing of the opposite sex- if you don't have time to come in drag, don't fret... You can make a day out of trying on women's clothes, and modeling your stylish attire to all you see...
8. Play Full-Contact Aisle Football.
9. Sing bawdy Irish drinking songs.
10. Breakdance.
11. Drop to the floor screaming whenever the intercom is used.
12. Have sex in the aisles.
13. Play God- find one of the phones that Wal-Mart employees use to page people, get on the intercom, hit the "paging" button, and begin making with the hellfire and damnation speeches... Run like hell when they figure out its you...
14. Come on to every employee, regardless of their gender or orientation
15. Skip though the aisles in reckless abandonment, arm in arm with six or so large German men (go with whoever you have available on this one).
16. Shopping cart races!
17. Run laps, and reffer to the deli workers as "coach".
18. Pocket Psychiatrist- using a randomly chosen prevention brouchure as your manual, diagnose everyone you come into conact with as having some slight mental disorder... Try to set up a help group in housewares...
19. Get naked.
20. Incessantly repeat the following three words of Japanese- "domo arigato gozaimashite" If anyone can correctly identify the language, hug them warmly, yelling "Brother!!" as you do so...
21. Buy some food, and then wander around the store eating it.
22. Masturbate in the women's magazine section.
23. Pool noodle jousting tourneys- combine this one with the cart racing... Kills time like nothing else can...
24. Sing over the intercoms.
25. Saturday Night Fever reenactments.
26. Gun fights- think about it; high noon, deli aisle... The crappy Muzak rolls in off the dusty plains of bargain buys and linoleum... And two grown men with toy guns are trying to kill each other in the freezer section... Someone bring a harmonica...
27. Abuse Tickle-Me Elmo with a hammer.
28. Molest Talking Barney with a screwdriver.
29. Rant.
30. Pretend that your sexual prefference is reversed from what it normally is.
31. Play catch with expensive television sets.
32. Ask what happened to the fish tanks.
33. Jewelry Counter Dodgeball with a Brick.
34. Form a cult worshiping all overhead fixtures (such as the trampoline hanging from the ceiling) as the Archangel Michael.
35. Be Satan's Hare Krishnas. Hand out pamphlets of "religious" tracts drawn from LeVey's Bible. Wear black sheet as holy robes. Play tambourines with pentagrams painted on them. Sell flowers for the Devil.
36. Hug EVERYONE.
37. Go to the paint section. Have them mix you a particularly obscure and rather precise shade of chartreuese. Incessantly insist that it's not correct, then throw up your hands in disgust and stalk off, muttering mild obscenities under your breath as you go.
38. Look for Tim. This one kept me occupied for an hour. Bring your friends and organize a search party looking for Tim. Go everywhere in the store, including bathrooms, the deli section, and Employees Only areas. Wait until you see stock people in the dairy section, and open the freezer doors and ask them if Tim's back there. Great Fun For Hours! Note: You can actually FIND Tim at our Wal-Mart. He works there. I know him.
39. Locate the main VCR in electronics, the one that runs the television displays. Throw in a six-hour hard-core anal sex porn. Press "play". Calmly walk away.
40. Demand to speak to the manager in an angry tone of voice. When they get there, have a deep and meaningful conversation about his or her particular choice of hairstyle. When they inform you that they need to return to their work, throw a fit.
41. Staged Theatrical Ritual Suicide. Don't actually kill yourself, just make it look good for the audience.
42. Climb into the bins of bean-bag chairs.
43. Smile and hum annoyingly the entire time you're in Wal-Mart. Don't leave for seven hours. Sit in the center of one of the aisles, and nod in recognition of everyone who passes you. When someone asks you what the hell your problem is, softly whisper the words "clean socks" and wink conspiratorily.
44. Poetry readings.
45. Tarot readings.
46. Sit in the blood pressure machine. Turn it on. Scream in pain the entire time it's going. When it stops, stand up, stumble away drunkenly with a dazed smile on your face muttering "what a rush..." as you go.
47. Throw ICP into a CD player in the car audio section. Turn on ALL the amps. Turn on ALL the bass-kickers. Smile. Faygo is optional at this point, but recommended.
48. Take up semi-permanent residence with a friend or ten in the dressing rooms.
49. Charge tolls for using the restrooms.
50. Get a job. After all, nothing that's so fucking much fun to do that you only do it when it's a choice between it and ritual suicide can be all that bad to do for eight hours a day, five days a week for a paycheck. Then maybe you can get a real life, rather than going to Wal-Mart all the damned time. I'm also fairly sure that they'll know you rather well by the time you hit this point on the list. Unfortunately, if you've done more than a good half of all the things above this on the list, well, chances are you'll be shot upon stepping foot inside the store ever again, and at the very least there's a good chance you'll probably be sued. But you might as well try for it; after all, if you're still going to Wal-Mart at this point, well, it's probably not like you have anything better to do.
Oh yeah, one last thing...
All the shit on this page? You guessed it bub. It's mine, man, 'cept for Wal-Mart, all Props to Wal-Mart for owning and being it's bad-ass self, and ICP, which is Insane Clown Posse, too fuckin' fresh to fuck with and owned by Island Records and ummm... Saturday Night Fever, owned by someone big an' powerful, which is a cool movie anyways. Further and unending props to FortuneCity, the cool-as-all-hell computer gods of free and easily obtained net space for giving me 20 meg of space to throw out my crack-head shit for the enjoyment of anyone with a computer. Elmo and Barney are someone else's too, but they suck all unholy ass, so they can go straight to hell and burn. So if you wanna post this particular version of a Wal-Mart Things To Do list somewhere's, that's fine, just like email me, tell me what's up, and ummm... if it's to a site of your own, link my ass and give me credit for doin' this shit, in return for which I won't hunt you down, kill you and eat you. Oh, and don't even ask for permission if it's a for-profit thing, 'cause I will say no and I might punch you in the head just for askin, 'cause I didn't do this shit for money, I ain't getting any money, and I don't think you should make diniero off of my work either, I'm just that kind of guy. But if it's for a good cause (read: NOT FOR PROFIT), then what I will do is link you to my site too, how's that, eh? Well, hope ya liked it.
Check ya later, hope ya liked it, come back some time, there WILL be more.
-Evil the Kat.
Back to the Back Nine - Home, chucko.
Sign the book. Or I do something rather uncomfortable to you.
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