Ways
to Annoy Your Roomate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian
and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers
on the floor and lie on the bed holding your
stomach every time your roomate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say that you know nothing
about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around
your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by
your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks
in, yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” Say that as long as you can and dance
around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying,
“Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”.
4. Trash the room when your roommate’s
not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she
does, walk in and act surprised. Say,
“Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were
here again.”
5. Every time you see your roommate,
yell, “You son of a....” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her
some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire.
Apologize and explain that you’ve been watching too much Beavis and Butthead.
Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re not sorry
because this time, they deserved
it.
7. Put your glasses on before you
go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks,
explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain
that you’ve been having terrible
nightmares.
8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms”.
Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your
roommate inquires, explain that the visitors are coming, but you
can’t say anything more, or you’ll
have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate’s
faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academical potential. Take lots
of notes, and then give your roommate a full report.
Insist that he/she does the same.
10. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast
every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every
night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything
you own and tell your roommate that you’re going home. Come back in an
hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start
yelling, “Oh my God! Where the hell am I?!” and run around the room for
a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate
asks, say you don’t know what he/she
is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny black spot on your
arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s
spreading!”
14. Buy a McDonald’s Happy Meal
for lunch every day. Eat the straw and napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it
at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly.
Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you!” and storm out of
the room and slam the door. Get
rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-in-the-Box. Every
day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for
twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens
all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call
him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them
every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon,
soon....”
19. Lock the door while your roommate
is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, “Don’t come
in, I’m naked!” Keep this up for several hours.
When you finally let your roommate
in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential “new” roommates
from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have
them ask about your roommate in front of him/her
and reply, “Oh, him/her? He/she
won’t be here much longer.”
21. If your roommate comes home
after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately
go to bed, muttering, “Ungrateful little...”
22. Pile dirty clothes on your
roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and
pile them on one side of the room. Keep on pencil on the other side of
the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for
two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will,
leaving everything to your roommate. One day,
miraculously “recover”. Insist
that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Ooooh, are you dying?”
25. Live in the hallway for a month.
Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate,
“Okay, your turn.”
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for
three days. Then, get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say,
“Oh, he’s around here somewhere.”
27. Tell your roommate, “I’ve got
an important message for you.” Then, pretend to faint. When you recover,
say that you can’t remember what the message was.
Late on say, “Oh yeah, now I remember!”
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up
tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy.
If your roommate wants to bowl, too, explain that he/she
needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all of the time.
Then, pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake and injury and go through
a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out,
glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the
floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that
you’re going to be housing a prospective student of the near future. One
day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the
pig and tell your roommate that
he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat
it, and leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate
gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where the hell is my
sandwich?” Complain loudly that
you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit
and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front
of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your
roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath
the window, pretending to be hurt,
and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front
of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces
on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your
roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few
days, and then bake your roommate’s
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
36. Fill an empty shaving cream
can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your
mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this
process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent.
Live inside of it for a week. If your roommate asks, explaining that, “Its
a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food
and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the
middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out
of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and
whispering to your roommate, “Psst!
Is it gone?”
39. Break the window with a rock.
If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the
broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall.
All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull’s
eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate,
with a card that says, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” When you see
them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process
for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate “Clyde”
by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over
the next few weeks, until you are calling him “Clyde” all the
time. If your roommate protests,
say, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that anymore, Murray.”
43. Hire a night watchman to guard
the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side
of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs,
and look at the floor on the empty side of the room
with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every
night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, “Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Cry
hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to
bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in,
pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities.
After you hang up, say, “That was your mom.
She said she’d call back.”
47. Every time your roommate comes
in, immediately tun off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get
up and loudly yell, “Okay guys, you can come out
now.”
48. Start wearing a crown all the
time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, “What the hell do
you think you are? A king?”
49. Sit in front of a chess board
for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think
this game goes a lot faster with two players.”
50. Talk back to your Rice Krispies.
All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor, and kick it.
Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch
them suffer.”
51. Change the locks on the door.
Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the
secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the
secret word, make him/her pay a
tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around
the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks
in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put
away the stuffed animals, and say,
“Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
53. Hand a tire swing from the
ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in,
cease swinging like a monkey and claim that the tire swing
was your roommate’s idea. When
you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room
except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some
of your roommate’s possessions out the window. Say that
the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to
a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore
conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she removes
all of his/her possessions immediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various
activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor...)
57. Start dressing like an Indian.
If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your
Native-American roots. If your roomate accuses you of not
having any Native-American roots,
claim that he/she has offended your people, and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong
feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head
with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of
your roommate’s. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded
it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the
light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the
next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering
a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your
room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape,
look at the screen and say, “Don’t
do that.”
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate
it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about
what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that
someone has released the genie
from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes
his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and
circulate it around campus. If your roommate
protests, say, “The people have
a right to know!”
65. Collect potato chips that you
think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate.
Burn it and explain, “It had to be done.”
66. Read the phone book out loud
and excitedly. (“Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!”)
67. Shadow box several times a
day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what’s the
matter, explain that your shadow can’t box with you
anymore due to an injury. Ask your
roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room,
look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away
yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building,
reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe
return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face
on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep
in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the
watermelon out the window. Make
it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the
floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you
think.” If he/she asks about it again, immediately change
the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every
morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then,
look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away,
and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall
like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl
through it. Hold your head and mutter, “Damn Road
Runner....”
74. Leave memos in your roommate’s
bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and, “Don’t think you
can fool me.” Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your
roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it’s all
for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate.
Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the
time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn’t swab
the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants
in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in
the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to
them, “We’ll continue this later,”
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your
bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When
you’re not using it, act like your roommate is too far
away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox.
When doing homework, go a consult with the worms every so often. Then become
angry, shouting at the worms that they’re
stupid and the don’t know what
they’re talking about.
81. Watch Psycho every day for
a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time
your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonalds. Can I take your....oh,
its just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate’s
textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections.
If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just
couldn’t take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock
on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks
about it, go on a tangent about the importance of
good manners.
85. Hand a horseshoe above the
door. Make up stories about having good luck. Then, take the horseshoe
down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see
your roommate, look above the door
where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe...”
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain
to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next
day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern
thinks he/she has been staring
at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern,
but you can’t convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns
the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can.
When your roommate turns on the light, look around and
pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the
wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in
front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide
in your roommate that you think
the refrigerator had been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk
obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day,
paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about
how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations
that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to...” and make
up stories involving you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes,
go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for
the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate
for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at
your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what
they used to be.”
93. Tell your roommate that your
toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While
your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of
the room. When he/she returns,
explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day.
One day, put a band-aid on your forehead and refuse to discuss the gun
ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play
cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up
his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning,
but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch
them for several hours each day. Complain to your
roommate that your “pancake farm”
isn’t evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate
that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking
bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend
to burn yourself. Start a garbage fire in the middle of the room. Toss
the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you
are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers
on their backs. Race them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers.
Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room.
Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her
in a restricted area and said not
to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies
at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite
out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The
next morning, accuse your roommate
of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you that the
Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s
teeth marks look like, and that
those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and
storm out of the room.