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The "Non-Matching Spoons"

Pot inc. Deep within the criminal underground lurks a man who goes by the name "Pillow". He has devised a scheme that will help him gain control of the world! Have you ever been sitting at a table, with your family, with your friends, with yourself, even, and noticed how everbody has matching forks, everybody has matching knives, but the spoons... the spoons just don't seem right. Of course, you dismiss it blatantly, why should you worry if you have the only spoon of it's type at the table? Because Pillow has invented a plan so well thought out, so cunning, so devious, so ingenious that soon, there will be no spoons left. One day you'll find that there're no spoons in the drawer. You'll go down to the shop to buy more, only to discover that there are none to buy. Then, when the world is looking for spoons, at it's weakest, he will strike...

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The Toilet Bowl

Pot inc. Ever looked at a toilet. Oh, yeah, we've all looked at a toilet, but have you ever looked really closely? Ever stuck your head in the bowl to have a closer look? Oh, yeah, laugh now, but don't come crawling to me when the toilet tries to bite you. We'll see who's laughing when you're missing a chunk of flesh from your ass - or worse.

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Apricurrants

Pot inc. They look like currants, feel like currants, smell like currants, taste like currants but sound like apricots. They're NOT currants!!! They're a rare strain of mutant currants called "apricurrants" because they sound like apricots. Look through your cupboards now, if you have any currants listen to them closely... If they don't sound like currants, soak them in soy sauce for 3 days, then eat them. Not doing so could result in extreme danger. Normal currants, and apricurrants soaked in soy sauce are safe, but apricurrants... apricurrants eat back.

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The "Green pool Martians"

Pot inc. Pools don't just "go green". They're made to go green. Several years ago, NASA discovered intelligent life on Mars. Keeping it to themselves to avoid panic, they create a network of trades with the Martians. The Martians, however, are water bound, and can only live in water with a special chemical called Sophulaficedolfedrohedronixide - which makes water green. Unable to contaminate American water, or establish a base anywhere else large enough to hold enough water for the Martians, they contaminate Australian water. The water never actually evaporates, instead it is stolen... Ask yourself - "Is there a Martian living in my pool?"

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"Oops, lost my brain" syndrome

Pot inc. Have you ever felt a slight emptiness in your head? Have you ever been smart, and now you're not? Yes? Then you have fallen victim to the Oops, Lost My Brain Syndrome, or OLMBS. The Afghanistanian government thought it would a bit of funny when peoples brains stopped working. There's no cure, no way prevent it, but at least it's funny.

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"Trick can" syndrome

Pot inc. Have you ever been walking around a supermarket and you see those annoying cans of food with the pull tabs that are supposed to be easier than a can opener, you know, like cans of soft drink (come to think of it, cans of soft drink probably would have been a better example, oh well lets run with the food can thing). I really should have thought that first sentence out properly, oh well next time. So picture those specific products (I will allow you, just this once, to choose which particular product you picture, but next time I'm taking over your thoughts and making you picture what product I am. So enjoy your Freedom) and imagine you buy it, but on the way home a very attractive member of the opposite sex is on the side of the road signalling for help. So you pull over and they say they have run out of gas, stating they are in a hurry the ask if they could siphon some out of your tank and you say yes. They thank you by giving you some money and a can of coke. So you have less gas in your car but that doesn't matter because you are almost home. You get home and find yourself hungry for the food product of your choice (baked beans maybe?). So you go to pull the top of the can of beans, but little do you suspect that the manufacturers have actually made the pull tab impossible pull up, you can not open it! So you sit around for a couple of hours before you try again , but you just cant pull that damn tab up, its "seems" like it glued to the lid. Finally with hunger eating at you bowels you decide to drive to the store to buy an electric can opener. After getting half way there you car starts to stop and you pull over realising that in your hurry you forgot to buy more gas. Now you use you mobile phone in peek hour to call the nearest petrol station, who put you on hold for 20 minutes before telling you someone can deliver petrol to you but it will cost double the price. Starving for the beans you so desperately want you agree. A guy delivers the petrol and you pay the outrageous price. So now you buy the electric can opener and go home. Sitting down at home you open the beans and heat them up, you then take a mouth full. Wait a second, it is hot, so hot it starts burning your mouth and you feel like acid is eating the inside of you mouth. You grab the can of bean and read a label the says extra, extra, extra hot baked beans. Swearing you picked up normal baked beans off the supermarket shelf you go to the fridge to get a drink but mysteriously ever drink in the fridge has gone, except the one you got  from helping that stranger earlier. You mouth searing with pain you grab the can and try to get you finger under the pull tab.......... Coincidence or major mega-corporation plot to bleed you dry of money and dignity. Think it could not happen to you, think again!

Now, if you know a conspiracy that the world needs to hear about, tell me quickly.
QUICKLY DAMMIT!!!
[email protected]
Tell me now, before they have everybody's feet...
Yeah, it'd be funny to begin with, but...

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