The Journey

Pot inc. I walked through the desert for many miles, I saw much sand, and many dunes, and there was always the Sun, and I also saw many little tree things, and crabs, and some more sand, and a funny little red thing, oh and a big bird, and also some more sand. I came across a man, figuratively speaking of course, and he said to me, and to me he said, "Man who has walked far," referring to me, at least I hope he was. Either that or I spent an hour and a half listening to a man who saw people that did not exist. "Sit with me and be well". So I did, and we talked, we talked for an hour and a half. When I arose, I did not feel well, and I understood that he had either lied to me or had been wrong. So I beat him to death with my walking stick and left. He may still be lying dead in the middle of The Great Desert. Stupid man. I came upon a city then, a place where I might have found some desperately needed food and water. But the city was painted red, and I do not like red cities, so I went around it. If I do not find water soon, I may have to start drinking my urine. I think I would rather curl up and die instead. And so now I wander aimlessly, heading always for my one aim, the aim that is nowhere, nowhere except fifty degrees North, about one hundred kilometres away. I do not think there is anything there, it just sounds like a good place to go. And so I wander, and so I think, and hence so I wander and think simultaneously, so I have named myself The Wandering Thinker, or Dan the Icecream Man, I have not decided yet. Good day, I shall write to you soon. Or not, if I desire that this be so. Goodbye. I continued my trek through the desert. After many miles of walking my feet were very tired, so it was a joyous surprise to find a Toyota Rav4 in the middle of the desert. It still had the keys in the ignition. However, just before I leapt in, I became suspicious of this 'miracle' and feared it to be a trap. I was sure that it had been left there by Rorkarshina the Happy Clown, my cunning adversary who seeks to destroy me even here. So I left the Toyota and continued my trek, laughing as I had foiled the evil plan of my nemesis. I saw a bedouin (desert nomad) driving in it a couple of hours later, he drove right past me in fact. He will be horribly surprised when it explodes and he is torn into many pieces by the force of the aforementioned explosion. Ha ha. I saw clown-shoe prints in the sand the next day, and realised that Rorkarshina was near. I jumped around and made hooting noises to scare him off, then I drew mystical signs in the sand and urinated on them, only because I really needed to go and I thought I would do so in a place that Rorkarshina the Happy Clown could not approach. I hate peeing in front of people. There is a great deal of sand out here, I mean a lot. This desert is so tedious. I look about and can see nothing but sand and sand dunes, I close my eyes and can see all these funny dancing lights on the insides of my eyelids. So I walked all day with my eyes closed; I still have not looked at my leg to see what is causing the burning sensation. I'm praying it is not my own urine. And so I walk, and so I write, but often at different times. I hunt Rorkarshina, and he hunts me. It is really beginning to suck. I will write to you again soon, my friend. Goodbye. I continued my epic journey through the desert. The Sun beat down on me, the sand was blown into my eyes and blinded me, and little tiny crab things continually tried to cut off my toes. I wandered for many miles, often travelling in circles and arriving at a location I had been at only hours before, so I yelled and screamed and cried for some time. But I continued, undaunted, bravely facing many torments. There were mirages, such as oasises, naked women holding bottles of water, and a large pink elephant holding a sub-machine gun that caused me to run until I was exhausted and dehydrated. And then there was the Sun. It caused me to become so delirious that when I approached a group of bedouins to ask for water, I simply recited the lyrics to the theme song for 'Batman' in a continuos loop, and then screamed as they all grew second heads. The leader screamed as well, and then punched me in the nose and buried me in the sand. Bastards, I will hunt them down, even if it takes me many years, and pinch their earlobes for what they have done to me. Rorkarshina the Happy Clown continues to hinder and taunt me, leaving many traps in my path. They are not obvious traps, but they are traps nonetheless, and I see them for what they are, which is non-obvious traps. I knew today that the canteen of water that I so desperately needed and found in the sand was not placed there by bedouins, as Rorkarshina the Happy Clown would wish me to think. It was, in fact, placed there by him, and it was filled with acid. I ran to it, opened it, and poured it on the ground, and I saw that the fiend had filled it with acid that does not dissolve sand, thinking that I would suck it from the sand when I realised my 'mistake'. But I was too clever for him, and I ran sreaming up the nearest dune, where I tripped over a rock that Rorakarshina the Happy Clown had concealed at the top. And now I travel through the desert, beating people with my walking stick, chasing away their camels, always wondering where I am heading, and what the red marks on my genitals are. I will write to you again soon. Goodbye. I continued my epic journey through the desert. The Sun beat down on me, the sand was blown into my eyes and blinded me, and little tiny crab things continually tried to cut off my toes. I wandered for many miles, often travelling in circles and arriving at a location I had been at only hours before, so I yelled and screamed and cried for some time. But I continued, undaunted, bravely facing many torments. There were mirages, such as oasises, naked women holding bottles of water, and a large pink elephant holding a sub-machine gun that caused me to run until I was exhausted and dehydrated. And then there was the Sun. It caused me to become so delirious that when I approached a group of bedouins to ask for water, I simply recited the lyrics to the theme song for 'Batman' in a continuos loop, and then screamed as they all grew second heads. The leader screamed as well, and then punched me in the nose and buried me in the sand. Bastards, I will hunt them down, even if it takes me many years, and pinch their earlobes for what they have done to me. Rorkarshina the Happy Clown continues to hinder and taunt me, leaving many traps in my path. They are not obvious traps, but they are traps nonetheless, and I see them for what they are, which is non-obvious traps. I knew today that the canteen of water that I so desperately needed and found in the sand was not placed there by bedouins, as Rorkarshina the Happy Clown would wish me to think. It was, in fact, placed there by him, and it was filled with acid. I ran to it, opened it, and poured it on the ground, and I saw that the fiend had filled it with acid that does not dissolve sand, thinking that I would suck it from the sand when I realised my 'mistake'. But I was too clever for him, and I ran sreaming up the nearest dune, where I tripped over a rock that Rorakarshina the Happy Clown had concealed at the top. And now I travel through the desert, beating people with my walking stick, chasing away their camels, always wondering where I am heading, and what the red marks on my genitals are. I will write to you again soon. Goodbye. I had wandered for many miles when I discovered a congregation of desert druids. The druids gathered in a circle, wearing their sectetive robes and mystical jewellery, and began to spin. They spun faster and faster, chanting their heathen chants, and at the crescendo of this chant, when their power was at its greatest, they all fell over and started laughing. A few rose to their feet, but they could only stagger. I smiled at the sight of these laughing, incapacitated druids, then I ran to the circle and stole their equipment. It has been some time since I have written to you, and in that time I have travelled many leagues, yet I am still walking across the same desert. I have long since exhausted my food supply, so now I must eat whatever I find on my journey, snakes, lizards, bedouins, anything that is edible. Rorkarshina the Happy Clown continues to follow me. Occasionally I believe that I can hear him laughing, but it may just be my hair flapping in the breeze. So to ensure that I cannot be mistaken, I have shaved my head bald with a rock that I found, which I then spat on and chased my shadow with. It was smirking at me. I tried to bury it, but it managed to rise to the surface. I think I scared it though, for at sunset it disappeared. Rorkarshina the Happy Clown still attempts to trap me. At the peak of a dune I saw a small grey blade protruding from the ground, and realised it must have been the tip of a spike that would retract into the ground when I skewered my foot on it and drag me into a nest of scorpions. Of course, anyone less would have believed it to be a stone, but I was more perceptive. I ran to it, and picked it up. It appeared to be a rock, but I knew that it would become a spike if I held it for too long a time. So I dropped it, screamed, and dug a hole in the sand and climbed into it, only emerging when something began to gnaw on my leg. I will continue my journey, just as I will continue to sing 'Humpty Dumpty' until I lose the ability to speak. I will write to you again soon. Goodbye.

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Jeremiah

Pot inc. Jeremiah did wander through Bethlehem for many days. He had been the thirteenth apostle, but he had left Jesus and his other twelve disciples and begun wandering on his own. On his travels, he did come across a decrepit leper sitting on the ground and begging for change. The leper did ask him for a coin, and Jeremiah smiled down at him. Then he did pull one of the lepers feet from his leg and throw it at the diseased man. Then Jeremiah crouched, and did wrench the leper's bowl of coins from his frail hands, as well as two of the fingers attached to those hands. Then he did remove the coins from the bowl, one by one, and throw them at the man, removing some of his facial features. Then, having pleased himself immensely, he rose and chased a small boy down an alley, kicking him repeatedly. And now Jeremiah continues to wander, castrating dogs and killing small birds wherever he does go, and all that see him know that he truly is a servant of the Lord.

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The Ten Commandments of Me

Pot inc. These are the Ten Commandments that I believe God actually gave Moses on Mt. Sinai. I believe that Moses changed them because he was embarrassed. 1. Thou shalt do only that which is good for Me. 2. Thou shalt drink only wine from the purest and strongest grapes, for thou doest funny things when completely drunk. 3. Thou shalt run into walls on occasion, for I doth find it funny. 4. Thou shalt not hiteth a man when his back doth face thou. Thou must push him to the ground, and kicketh sand in his eyes. This doth hurteth him more. 5. Thou shalt not carve graven images, unless they are of naked women. 6. Thou shalt not maketh love to a donkey, even if there are no women to be found. 7. Thou shalt not take My name in vain, unless something painful doth happen to thy genitalia. 8. Thou shalt hurt any Buddhists thou doth see, for they are evil. 9. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thy wife is very ugly. 10. Thou shalt not turn thy back on thy fellow man, especially if he is wearing make-up.

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Three Cheers for Alcohol

Pot inc. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells,it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.