Piss off!
In an effort to improve public relations with the
tiny stupid people of the world and myself, I've decided to post up a nifty
little spot for me to record feelings of some type whenever I feel like it. Oh,
I suppose they're going to be rather unhappy nasty feelings. The kind I like
best! So go me. Also, brought to you in eyestrain-o-vision!
November 2, Nineteen-hundred and ninety-nine
Ugh, god.
So I'm going to a rinky-dink college to learn how to communicate via graphics. Well, the joy of going to such a place is that most of the students are middle-aged folks that are looking for a change of pace in their so-far worthless lives. Of course here in Kansas, you don't get wiser as you age. You just gain weight.
It's just fucking sick. I'm all for wimmen-folk doing what they want with their bodies, but JESUS, when your belly is bigger and perkier than your tits, DROP THE POUNDS! Likewise, when your hips start to hit the 80 mark, check out the prices for plastic surgery. Unemployment is lower than ever, you guys can afford to get a couple gallons sucked out of your ass. Please, for the sake of all that is holy in this world (i.e. Jigglypuff and slobbery blowjobs), get rid of the lard under your skin.
When people get too damn fat, they stop being human to me. They become a cartoon. A mockery of humanity. And I hold cartoons with even less regard than people. And what other reason does a person need to lose weight than to gain more respect from an Internet nobody?
Crikes, was the entire nation raised in such a fucked up manner as to give everybody an oral fixation? Must we constantly shovel twinkies down our throat or else suffer total brain meltdown? Well do something a little more productive with that damn fixation suck on a nice juicy cock, clit, nut, tit, or tongue. For crying out loud, is it that hard to figure out? Thin AND relaxed. Beat that combo, fatass.
July 31
You know what I'm starting to really hate? Cute old people in movies.
Christ, if there's anything I hate more than cute little kids in movies it's
cute OLD PEOPLE! Especially cute old ladies. I want to destroy everything in my
path whenever I see some cute old lady doing something "wacky". The bestest
examples? Um, well I don't really watch movies... oh! There's that old lady that
says "I like his tight butt!" ("Grandma!") in that new Julia Roberts yawnfest
"The Runaway Bride." Then there's that damn old lady that raps in "The Wedding
Singer." God, take me now. Screw getting rid of violence.. get rid of crap-assed
old ladies before I kill, again.
Well, speaking of related crap. I'd like everybody but Adam Sandler to
please leave the room right now. 3...2...1...okay Adam. Just you and me. This
might sound cruel, but just buck up and take it like a homosexual in prison. You
blow ass. Got me? You're not funny. Nope. NOT EVEN CLOSE. So I suggest you just
stop.
"Oh but look at how well my movies are doing!" You say
I don't care. People are fucking idiots. They couldn't wait for the Austin
Powers sequel for chrissakes. The very same people that have made you a
millionaire also think that "Uncle Fucker" is the most original idea to come out
of movies!
And I'm sure that like many other comedians that have had successful careers
before you, you're now planning on doing "serious" work. DON'T!! You're too
retarded for that type of stuff. I'll kill you and then myself if I see your
mouth-breathing ass perform an "oscar-worthy performance". The world would have
no right to live.
You know, I'd suggest you go back to your little hooded red sweatshirt and
think up some more songs to burp out of your rubbery lips, but those weren't
even funny, and I'd wind up having to hear them during the "Zany" morning show
on my hard-ass classic rock station ("Because all the other stations are for
PUSSies!!!"). Then I'd have to destroy a building or something just to work off
my rage.
Oh well. Boy it sure is nice to get that off my chest. Wellp, there's only
one thing to remember at times like these.
May 18
Been awhile. Right sure. Well crap to you then. Anywho. Found out one of the
teachers that reported me to the higher-ups. My Internet teacher of all people.
So a quick talk about God and me probably deep down being afraid of death
because of my great-sense-of-humor-that-includes-death-into-so-many-jokes later.
Nothing big's going on. Only now she's been pointing out "Red flags". Well boo
hoo hoo for me then. Oh, and what was her reason for calling me in? She found my
little doodles of hamsters, as described in an earlier entry, and saw the
"Please kill me" hamster. That's what did her! Nevermind it was right next to a
hamster dressed up like a pirate.
Well as the kids like to say, N E WAYZ... I'm sure the fact that I spend a
class working in the school's library won't set off any fireworks and grab your
interest, but tough. Keep reading. Anywho, today I was sorting out the books and
putting them in order, as is the usual job for me to do. Lucky me I got assigned
to sort out the section with all the sports-related books. So I'm going along,
wondering why the Hell Chuck Armour would be so important as to have his name
included in Chuck Armour's ABC's to Golf. Well today I happened upon an
interesting find.
A book, shocking right? Anyways it was titled, East/West Fitness.
Somewhat interested, maybe even a little worried that this would be some book
comparing the athletics of my school, East of all things. To another, named
amazingly... West. Well I opened that bastard to the title page, and to
disappointment along with another mystery.
But first the disappointment. No it was not a comparison of two competing
school's way of being sporty. Nope, just a comparison of the Eastern hemisphere
to the Western. The 'East' part being in that lovely Orient-styled font.
I'll be sure to find an example soon. If you're lucky. Gosh darn, eh? I would've
loved to see a bunch of sweaty boys from the early 60's in their tight little
shorts and shaved heads. But then right below the title was something a bit
odd...
It was an autograph, from the author of all sorts. And I just found it quite
odd. See if you agree.
To the Students, staff, and faculty body at East High,
Since we have to take our bodies with us through our academic and
professional careers- they might as well be kept vital.... That's where E/W
Fitness comes in. Best wishes in fitness.
Marcus Cochran
10-15-85
Well like many things I wondered about this. Was
there a lot of fanfare when the author signed this? Did they have a huge
festival over this? Perhaps maybe of whole week dedicated to him called "Marcus
Cochran Daze"? Did the school band come out and have those twirly people twirl
their twirly things? Did Marcus Cochran have illicit affairs with all-too-young
groupies? These questions will go on like this. And I swear to you, my gentle
three readers out there, that as your narrator, I will not go probing into this
anymore.
Well, have a happy day. And enjoy my excellent fish sticks!
Appy 29...
Not a whole bloody lot today. Just a fun little happening. While busily
stroking off through my pocket in Study Hall a phone call came in telling me to
see a certain Ms. Duncan. Wellie, I made the mad dash down to the little office,
just right past the row of kiddies to slow or too stupid to get into a classroom
before lunch was over and got swept up by the secret hall police. Then I popped
on into the happy little "Student Service Center".
I popped off over to this Duncan's office and I happened upon the name
plate, turns out the magical Duncan was the school psychologist! Golly gee, a
special call to the psycho's doctor just for me! I felt all warm and googly
inside, o brothers and sisters.
I quickly sit and a confirmation as to who I was and the real nice and the
juicy bits started up. Turned out a couple teachers worried about li'l sweet me.
Of course I'd never would've been called up if that little incident happened in
a neighboring square state. Well these teachers were worried about me, since I
had scary t-shirts. Usually of creepy and "macabre" type of shirt. Lucky me I
just happened to be wearing my "I'll sleep when I'm dead" shirt. Yeah,
lucky.
Well a great big grin spread across my face. As well it should. And we went
into all the usual goobly stuff. You know, thinking about suicide and the like
totty (Including a brief bit on whether or not I thought videogames led to
violence! Fun). So a quick mention of how I couldn't be happier and off to study
hall I tottered off again, back to the land of strokselvania.
Really, it put a bright shiny spot on my day. It's good to know after so
many years of mildly trying (Sort of) to creep people out it took a school
massacre to finally do it. So great big thumbs up to me. And it's a good thing I
made a joke about it being illegal to sacrifice babies even if they deserve it
for all the crying they do in my American Government quiz. That's probably what
put me over the top!
Right, so just go to my school's site and leave some fake posts with my
name saying how much you'd enjoy blowing up the school! Oughta' be good for a
laff.
In other news, the Greek Idiot is actually the Lebanese Idiot. So jolly fun
good then.
April 27th, '99
Oh good, today was a very nice and pissy day for myself and all my little
friends of which I don't have. Actually nothing happened, as is the usual in my
movie-worthy life.
Went on a happy little school trip where I watched a very interesting
teleconference thing where schools all over the nation watched a chintzy mock
trial that lasted a minute and a half and had to decide on it. No
cross-examinations in the least. So blah blah, everybody says not guilty,
blah... Then it all becomes one great big "Everybody talk at once and be sure
there's an ass load of feed back when you speak, too" circle jerk. Well I just
wound up doodling a whole bunch of hamsters saying saucy things like, "I'm the
worst drawn hamster here," or the uproaringly great, "Please kill me."
Afterwards, the three other students, the teacher, and myself, went to
Wendy's. Where like a silly idiot, I have the spicy chicken sammich.
When back at school and the last sliver of lunch was over I got cracking on
A Clockwork Orange for a few minutes. Got up to where Alex was tossed
into the Striped Zoo and then I decided to take a snooze. Of course the stupid
Greek-looking guy had to tap my shoulder to bug me. His important message that
he deemed worthy of waking me?
"Hey."
I grumbled and went back to sleep, damn goofy assed bastard.
Then it was time for my little hour to spend working in the library! Joy. I
get to watch idiots o' plenty everytime. Why just yesterday a girl was asking
how to spell Holocaust! Now it makes me really hope I just spelled it right.
But anywho I got to see a real laugh-riot of a guy grab the stick type
things that the newspapers were attached to and swing them around in the air
saying, "Look! This is just like those things you signal boats with!" Much to
the amusement of the little girls he was having a chat with.
Well I became quite disgusted for the rest of the day, more so than usual!
Quite a feat. Really, all I ask is that if people are funny that they be funny.
Now what constitutes funny? Well I certainly don't claim to be an expert on the
subject. But one thing I do know, is that yelling down the hallways
aren't. Waving your arms like an idiot isn't either. Neither is going
back to old elementary shooldays and pulling hair/backpacks/arms.
Now, one thing I can assure is very funny is saying "fuckface". It's the
most joyful pairing of words in the world! Oh wait, it isn't funny. Dammit. What
is then? Oh that's right, this is.
Home is
where the suck is.