Helpless

“And I have the sense to recognize that

I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul

I'm ever swiftly moving

Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do...”

Kalli smiled up at Matt from where she leant against the back wall of the locker room, "Oh yeah. You know. Hanging in there by the skin of my teeth, but hanging in there all the same." She flashed him a little grin.

"Me too." He ruffled her hair affectionately; about to go on when he heard Rob Van Dam's music hit. He turned to step closer to the monitor, "Coming?"

She shook her head, "I'll just watch from here."

He nodded knowingly, "Okay..."

And so she stood, eyes glued to the monitor, her hands fidgeting, locked nervously together.

She was getting better about these things, she knew she was. Since she and Jeff had spoken the night before Summerslam, she felt *slightly* more secure going into his matches. She knew about the big spots, she knew what was to come, and so she could prepare herself a little better than she had in the past.

It didn't make her feel much better about Ladders, though, that was for sure, and knowing that tonight's match was going to involve Jeff jumping off one didn't help. But he'd done it before. Often. And she knew he'd be okay.

But her breath was still bated the entire match in anticipation, or perhaps more fittingly, dread, of what was to come...

Eventually, Rob Van Dam was knocked from the ring a final time and Jeff followed him out accordingly. The moment he flipped up the curtain around the outside of the ring in search of a ladder, her heart pounded just a little harder than it had before...

And when Jeff moved to climb the ladder, Kalli stepped forward from where she hung back behind the crowd clamoured around the screen, her hand slipping into Matt's, their fingers intertwining nervously. She leant into him, her cheek pressed against his arm. "Matty..." she whispered, her throat dry.

He nodded, squeezing her hand gently, cooing, "I know, Kalli. I know."

Eventually, perched 15 feet in the air, Jeff extended his arms, the crowd on their feet...

And then he took a flying jump off the ladder.

Only seconds before, her heart had been pounding in her ears, but as he fell through the air, her breath caught in her throat, threatening to choke her in her fear as her heart almost literally stopped beating. She watched him all the way down...

When he landed, his body slamming awkwardly through the table, a tiny whimper slipped from her lips. She squeezed Matt's hand unknowingly, all her strength in the grip. She paled as she whispered breathlessly, "Get up, Jeff. Get up."

But Jeff Hardy wasn't getting up.

Loosening his hand from hers, his fingers near swelling under the pressure, Matt slipped an arm around her neck, bringing her into a tight hug. Her head pressed against his chest, but her eyes never left the monitor. And though he was stroking her hair and whispering soothingly that Jeff would be fine, Matt's gaze never broke from the screen either.

Every particle of her being screamed to go out to him, even though she knew she could do nothing more than hover over him concerned.

But when the EMT's arrived, Rob Van Dam was freaking out and Jeff still wasn't getting up, Kalli wriggled out of Matt's arms and bolted straight for the locker room door. When she nearly tore it off its handles to barge through, she ran smack bang into her older brother.

"Move, Shane." She shoved him aside, stepping out into the hallway.

She made it no further when he yanked her backwards, her back pressed tightly against his chest, his arms darting around her waist. "Kalli, you can't."

"But..." She stammered helplessly, fighting against him. "Jeff..."

His head resting lightly against hers, he nodded. "I know, Kalli. But you can't... You know how it is."

"Jeff..." She whimpered, her heart breaking.

Matt's voice came to her from the doorway, "Kalli, its okay..." But even his voice told her that he was in no better state about this than she was.

She breathed quietly, "I'm sorry, Shane," then slammed her ankle backwards, kicking him in the shin with so much force that it nearly knocked him on his ass. Taking off down the hallway, she ran as fast as she could, knowing full well Matt and Shane would be closing in on her, but determination set firmly on her face. She pushed her body as fast as it would go, seeing the curtain to the arena entrance in sight...

But when Dwayne Johnson stepped out in front of her, she bounced off him like he was made of stone, landing flat on her back on the ground. "Kalli, come on, baby girl. Calm down."

"I can't..." She hurried to her feet, but Matt now had hold of her. "I can't... I need to be there..."

Shane motioned to the monitor behind them, "Honey, look. They're taking him out the side door."

Both she and Matt whirled together to watch the screen. They exchanged a look, and this time, rather than try to sedate her with an attempt at calmness of his own, he nodded knowingly to her and the two made a mad dash to the other door.

When they rounded the corner nearest the Trainer's room at the next entrance, Matt grinded to a halt in front of Kalli, the girl only barely stopping short of him. “Stay cool, Kalli,“ she told herself under her breath, stepping around Matt before he could even speak, gently dropping to her knees in front of Jeff where he stood, cupping his face in her hands. "Jeffy..." she cooed.

In obvious pain, he barely stammered, "I'm okay..."

"Crap." She snapped gently, reaching behind her to pull Matt forward to let him look him over too.

"Jesus, Jeff." He whispered, "That was the craziest bump..."

"I'm okay," he struggled again.

The Trainer hovered next to them, "Kalli, Matt; we need to take a look at him."

Matt nodded, "Okay." He gently ruffled his brother's hair and took Kalli's arm, helping her to her feet. The girl leant over, pressing her lips to Jeff's cheek before moving out of the way so the Trainers could get him into the Trainers Room. She watched him all the way until the door closed.

She turned to face Matt, her own concern near forgotten when she saw the frightened look on his pale face. "Come here, Matty." She slipped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly. "Are you okay?"

He murmured softly into her hair as she held him, "I think I just had heart failure."

"I just..." He whispered, "If anything ever happened to him, Kalli... I'd never forgive myself."

The voice of reason, Kalli told him sympathetically, "I know, honey. But Jeff... He knows what he's doing out there. He knows the risks. If something happens..." She broke off, eventually offering, "He walked out of there tonight. He's going to be fine."

Matt simply nodded against her, silent for a few moments before whispering, "How is it that you're all calm and comforting *me* right now, rather than the other way round?"

She shrugged, "When I see my friends upset, it makes me all maternal..." Slipping a hand into his jeans pocket and says, "Which reminds me..."

About to dial a number, Matt asked, "Who are you calling?"

"Your Dad." When his shaky hands reached for the phone to take it away she pat his hand gently, "Matty, you're not exactly calm right now. I'll call your Dad and just let him know Jeff is alive, okay?" She dialled the number when he nodded his approval and waited patiently for the phone to ring...

"Uh..." Suddenly even more nervous herself, she replied,"Gilbert? It's Kalli."

"Kalli? Thank God. Is Jeff okay?"

"Yeah. He's okay. Banged up but okay. The Trainers are looking at him now..."

He cut her off, concern in his voice, "What did he do? Is it his back..?"

"Gilbert." Her voice was firm, surprising even herself. "We don't know yet, okay? Matt and I are waiting now... But he got up and walked out of there. If anything, he's probably just jarred his back or something. As soon as they tell us I'll let you know, but..." Gently, "He's gonna be okay."

There was a long, uncomfortable pause for a moment, and Kalli looked to Matt unknowingly. He slipped an arm around her and hugged her in response as Gilbert asked, "Is Matt okay?"

Kalli smiled softly, "Yeah. Freaking right about now, but okay." She asked, "Are *you* okay?"

He broke off and she told him, "I know." She cleared her throat and said, "As soon as I hear something more, Gilbert, I promise I'll let you know. In fact, as soon as they're done checking Jeff, I'll call and you can talk to him if you like."

She could almost hear the little smile in his voice, "Thankyou, Kalli." He added sweetly, his affection for her in his voice; "You take care of my boys, okay?"

Kalli giggled softly, "You got it, Daddy-O." She whispered, "Bye..." She waited for his goodbye before hanging up and handing the cell phone back to Matt.

She nodded, "Just worried about his boys."

She was about to go on when the door opened and one of the Trainers appeared. "Matt? Your brother would like to talk to you."

Kalli's face fell, but she pushed Matt gently. "Go on, honey. Don't keep him waiting." He gave her hand a little squeeze and then moved into the room. The door closed, and Kalli was alone.

For what seemed like ages, she stood there, silently staring at the door, a lost look on her face. For the first time since she had actually seen Jeff, she let the uncried tears in her eyes fall, eventually resting her head in her hands, trying to cry away the hurt inside her.

When she felt a hand gently nestle on her shoulder, turning and pulling her into a tight hug, she instinctively melted into it, craving the comfort. "Shane..." She started to whisper, certain her brother had followed her... At least until she took in how hot and sweat-dampened the body against hers was. She stepped back, startled, "Rob!"

His face gentle, concern in his voice, he asked, "Is Jeff okay?"

"Uh..." Confused, she shook her head, trying to take in the situation.

"Kalli? Are you all right?"

"Uh..." Still crying, she pulled away from Rob, frustrated when he kept a firm, but gentle hold on her arms. "Rob..." She stammered, "Wh... What are you even doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure Jeff was okay... That bump was... God... He's insane. I'm sure he is." He asked softly, reaching out to touch a hand to her cheek, still not letting go of one arm though. "Is he going to be all right?"

"I... I don't..." Completely taken aback, her shock evident, she whispered, "I don't know yet. Matt... Matt is in there now..."

Trying to stop herself crying, but fighting a losing battle she tried to pull away again. Rob sighed, "Aww, Kalli." He yanked her back into another hug and though for a start, to fought to resist it, he kept a hold on her that she could not escape...

A tiny sob escaped her and she slipped her arms gently around his waist, finally, somewhat unwillingly, hugging him back. "Why are you..?" Murmuring into his chest she went on, "Why are you doing this?"

He shrugged slightly under her. It was no secret that Kalli and Rob had butted heads continuously since *RVD* had first worked for the WWF years before. Each as stubborn as the other, they had clashed over and over, and Rob often thanked his lucky stars that at that stage, Kalli had had *no* creative power in the WWF or he knew his ass would've been fired dozens of times over.

Rob sighed to himself. Now she had no creative power either. She had been so furious that her boyfriend had been forced to job, and lose titles to a man she despised passionately, on several occasions since his re-introduction to the WWF through the ECW/WCW angle that eventually, she had resigned from her position with the writing staff in protest.

It certainly didn't say much for her opinion of him.

But right now, all he could see in front of him was a hurt frightened girl who needed someone to comfort her. He was there. And he knew he could support her if she just gave him half a chance.

Eventually he whispered to her, "I just... I don't like to see anyone upset... I know you love him. It must be hard, with the things he does in that ring..."

Kalli yanked away from him, little seeds of anger in her tears, "Rob, you don't know anything about Jeff and I. Don't presume to know..."

He nodded understandingly, "Hey, I didn't mean anything by it, I just..." He shrugged sadly, "God, I don't know what to say to you..." Despite his usually cool composure with her, there were hints of hurt and disbelief on his face. "I've been gone for years, Kalli. I come back and we still can't be civil?" He sighed, "I know you're upset that Jeff is being made to job to me, Kalli, but..."

She interrupted him, her voice tired and spiteful, "Rob, can you just go? Please? We'll let you know how Jeff is."

He nodded slowly, "Okay..." Seemingly a little more hurt, he turned to go.

Kalli watched him closely for a moment, suddenly feeling bad. She couldn't even remember the last time she had felt bad for anything she had said to RVD over the years. But, now... He had worried about Jeff out there. He had. And now he was here. Attempting to comfort someone he supposedly hated with a passion.

"Rob?" She called out softly, and he turned to look back at her. "I..." She swallowed the last of the sentence. Despite herself, she could not, would not apologize to him, but she managed to tell him as warmly as she could, "*I’ll* let you know as soon as we hear something, okay?" He nodded, the harsh edge of his hurt melting a little. It disappeared completely when she went on, "Thankyou. For caring. And for trying to help."

He nodded to her, "You're welcome." He added with a little grin, "I hate to go all Perry Saturn on you, but you are." She managed a half smile at him and he turned to go.

The girl whirled so fast she nearly gave herself a head spin when Matt called her from the open door of the Trainer's room.

"He wants to see you."

She nodded, wiping away the remaining tears on her face and hurrying into the room, trying to keep herself together. She stepped slowly over to the side of the bed Jeff was gingerly laid out on, giving him an adoring smile. "You okay?"

Jeff nodded slightly, "Just bruised ribs."

Despite herself Kalli looked up at the Trainer, "You sure?" The Trainer nodded and she nodded back in reply, "Good."

Matt gently rubbed her back and then said, "We can give them a sec, right boys?" The men gathered in the room all nodded their replies, slowly filing out of the room. Matt looked down at his younger brother and smiled, "Remember what I said, okay?"

The younger Hardy managed half a nod and then Matt disappeared.

Kalli pulled up a chair beside him, gently plucking his hand from where it rest to take it in hers. She kissed his fingertips gently, reaching out and stroking his slightly shorter than usual hair. He attempted a grin for her. "You're still pissed about me cutting it again, aren't ya?"

She giggled, "I'll live." Silence ascended for a few minutes as she fussed unwittingly over him. Her hands gently caressed his face and hands, and she took him all in, almost looking for injuries that weren't there. Catching herself eventually, she looked up to him, still skirting the subject a little, "So... What did Matt tell you?"

He untangled his hand from hers and reached up, pressing his palm against her cheek. "To play it straight with you." He sighed, "I was so freaked about being alone with you, Kalli. I didn't know what I was going to say. I..." He thought for a moment and then told her, "I know we swore that we would be honest about this stuff, that I would tell you exactly how I was feeling and whatever, but..."

She smiled gently, "You still told me you were okay before when you weren't."

Jeff sighed, "I saw that look in your eyes. Like you'd been scared half to death. And I just wanted you to feel better..."

"Hey." She cut him off, "Jeffy... I told you. I don't want you to do that anymore. I..." She took a deep, steadying breath and told him, "I've waited for this day. And now that its here, I'm just grateful that you are *ultimately* going to be okay, and..."

Sadly he said, "You want me to stop doing this... Kalli..."

"No." She shook her head, standing and leaning down to press her lips to his in a tender kiss. "Jeff. *This* kills me. It does. This waiting for you to get hurt. Waiting for the day when you do a lot more than bruise your ribs." Her eyes sparkled with tears again, "But this is you. This is who you are. And it hurts like hell, it does. But I love you. And that is worth all of this."

He gave her a long hard look; "Do you want me to tone it down out there?"

"I would never ask you to do that..."

"Kalli." His voice was stern, "You know I won't change... But what I want to know right now is... Do *you want* me to tone it down out there?"

Kalli lowered her eyes, taking in the vinyl floor of the Trainer's room. After a few moments, more tears streaming down her cheeks than before she nodded meekly, "Yes. I want you to tone it down out there."

Jeff sighed deeply, "Then we have a problem. Because I don't want to hurt you like this. I don't."

"Baby, I can handle it..."

He asked her gently, "Like you've been handling it so far?"

"Kalli." There was pain in his eyes as he spoke, "I know how hard this has been for you. How hard it’s going to keep being for you. And I don't like it."

She tried to interrupt again, "Jeff..."

"No, Kalli, hear me out." He took her hand, "I *hate* hurting you. But this business, it’s in my blood the way that it’s in yours... I love this more than anything in the world. I could never do anything else with the passion that I do this. All of me, all of me is about that out there. I live for it."

Shaking her head a little, not liking the way the words were falling so painfully from his lips she offered gently, "I know that."

"But you still want change..." Gently he went on, "And that means, that even though you understand, you hurt enough about this to *want* it to be different when we both know it *can't* be. I won't..." He closed his eyes a moment, drawing a deep breath and then said, "I won't do that to you. I won't let you keep getting hurt. And I won't let you live your life in fear, the way you have been." A tear slipped from his eye and Kalli's heart broke on seeing it, "We've ignored this for so long, and I think we have because we know that there's no happy ending here. As long as I'm in the WWF this is how it’s going to be for us. And this is why..." Another tear escaped him,"And this is why it has to end..."

Kalli paled, this time more sure than ever that her heart would stop beating, "Jeffy..."

"No, this is my decision to make." He shook his head a little, "And I won't do it anymore."

Her heart shattering inside her, Kalli let go of Jeff's hand, backing away from the table a little, shaking her head, "Jeff... If this hurts me, then the decision to stay or go should be *MINE* to make..." She threw her hands up, "I don't expect you to change. I don't. And if I worry, then, that's my problem, and I'll... I'll deal with that... I will... Please... Please... Please don't do this..."

"Kalli... I mean it. I'm not gonna hurt you anymore..."

"*THIS* hurts me!" She snapped, angry in her hurt, "This hurts me worse than worrying about you ever could... Please, Jeff... Please..."

The younger Hardy shook his head, "No, Kalli. I'm sorry." A few more tears escaped him, trickling mournfully down his face as he told her softly, sad certainty in his voice, "It's over."

A sob escaped her and she pressed a hand over her mouth as though trying to hide it. "I..." Another sob escaped her and she shook her head, "I love you..." More sobs escaped her as she struggled to ask in a tiny voice, "Don't you love me?"

He looked away, "Sometimes that's not enough, Kalli."

She stood there a moment before stammering, "I... I... I have to go..." She took a deep breath trying to steady herself but it did nothing but make her cry harder. "I..." She shook her head, turning and ripping open the door, bolting out of it so fast Jeff's bleary eyes could barely make out the movement.

"Kalli? KALLI?" He could hear Matt's voice in the hall before his brother appeared in the doorway. "Jeff? What did you just do?"

Resting a hand across his closed eyes, trying to stop his own tears, Jeff did not reply.

Matt stepped over to the bed; "Jeff..." His mortification was in his voice, "I said be straight up with her, I didn't say hurt her."

Jeff looked up at his brother, snapping, "I do hurt her. Every time I get in that ring. Don't you see that?"

His brother looked at him desperately, "Jeff?"

Turning his head away, closing his eyes, Jeff whispered, "Just leave me alone, Matt. Please."

The sound of Jeff's shout echoed throughout the room. Hurt flashed onto his brother’s face, but Matt nodded, walking toward the door. "Okay..." He shook his head, "But I hope you really understand what you've just done."

Then he closed the door and disappeared, leaving Jeff alone, trying to convince himself that he had just done the right thing by the girl he loved.

“But I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you...”