What I Really Meant To Say

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standin' there

Close enough to touch

Breathin' the same air

You asked me how I'd been

I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine

Oh, but baby I was lyin'

What I really meant to say

Is I'm dyin' here inside

And I miss you more each day

There's not a night I haven't cried

And baby, here's the truth

I'm still in love with you

(And, that's what I really meant to say)

Kalli McMahon sighed into her lap, her knees huddled to her chest where she sat on the cold, tiled floor of one of the showers in the women's locker room at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. She shivered, but she wasn't sure if it was from the cold against the bare skin her short leather skirt did not cover or from the butterflies doing laps around her stomach.

And she had no idea how she was going to be able to face him without falling apart.

It had been just over a week since she had last seen him. His words still hung in her head, just as potent as they had been the night he had spoken them.

“No, Kalli. I'm sorry... It's over.”

“I... I love you... Don't you love me?”

“Sometimes that's not enough, Kalli.”

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the memory. It was still too fresh, and every time it played out on her mind, those words stabbed at her the same way they had when he had brought an end to their relationship.

Whatever the world had thrown at her before now, Kalli was certain that she had never known real pain until the thing she loved most had walked out of her life.

The girl sighed, whispering to herself, "I can't do this anymore."

And it was true. She couldn't.

But she would anyway.

She ran her fingers through her long hair, eventually bringing her wrist up to glance at her watch. She had to be in the ring in 15 minutes to do an interview with her sister. The Creative Team had approved her place in the WWF Women's Title storyline earlier that day, and as a result, her part in the storyline was going to be presented to the fans that very night, in that very ring, another bitter McMahon rivalry about to erupt.

In a way, she had to wonder if feuding with Stephanie was wise. Of all her sisters, it was Stephanie she clashed with the most. The two had never seen eye to eye about anything growing up, although there were times that Kalli was certain the two had purposely disagreed about things just for an excuse to tear strips off each other.

It was that very thing that made it so hard to accept how wonderful Stephanie had been to her since her parting with Jeff. Her older sister had gone out of her way on numerous occasions to check in with her, to invite her to this thing or that. The fact that the girl she had grown up referring to as 'the Bitch Wonder,' in a take off of one of her brother's more popular nick names amongst WWF Fans, could be so kind startled her. And in truth, she had needed to step back and take a long hard look at herself and her own actions over the years.

If it had been Stephanie who had been the dumped instead of her, Kalli wasn't so sure she would have rushed so quickly to her sister’s aide. She would've worried, naturally. But swallowing her pride wasn't something Kalli McMahon did so well, and she knew deep down that it would have taken good, swift kick in the ass to get her to bite the bullet and be suppurto gal for Stephanie.

Kalli climbed slowly to her feet, the move a little shaky in her knee high boots. She ran a hand over the back of her skirt, brushing it off, grateful she had managed to find a dry shower to hide away in.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate the good intentions everyone had in showering her with kindness.

It was just that it only served to remind her of what she had lost.

She moved her hands to her waist, straightening her snug black bodice. If she was honest, it wasn't just Stephanie's kindness that had surprised her of late.

Rob Van Dam had been a fair Jack in the Box of surprises himself lately.

Of all the people in the world, it was Rob she had least expected to be nice to her in light of recent events. Over the years since they had first met, she had hated him in ways she had never hated anyone...

Clearly she never had dealt with rejection well.

She didn't take it any better now, that was for sure.

Except this time it wasn't her pride that was wounded.

It was her entire being.

Kalli shook her head, cooing little comforts under her breath. "It'll be okay. It'll be fine. All I have to do is steer clear of Jeff for the night and I'll be fine. I'll... Be... Fine..." She took a deep breath and yanked the shower curtain back...

Her shrill scream echoed through the locker room, and she clasped a hand over her heart. "MELLY!!!" Her voice shaking from her fright, "DON'T DO THAT!"

Clutching her breast, Melly yelled back at her, "ME??? Isn't there a law or something against SCREAMING at PREGNANT WOMEN???"

"You snuck up on me!" Kalli accused.

Without missing a beat, Melly shot back, "And YOU were hiding in a SHOWER! What kind of person hides in a shower??? And then... That SCREAM! You could've sent me into premature labour!"

The twosome's eyes met, and after a moment, both started to laugh.

Between giggles, Kalli said sweetly, “I’m sorry, honey... You just... You scared the CRAP outta me!”

“Tell me about it!” Their laughter slowly subsided and Kalli asked, “So, Kalli, all set for your interview with Stephanie?”

“Uh uh.” Kalli held out her arms, as if modelling her outfit. “How do I look?”

Melly cast an eye over her outfit, hair and make up and told her seriously, “You’ve really got the gothic-esque look happening lately.”

Kalli shrugged, stepping out of the shower to stand beside her sister, “What can I say? I think Kalli needed a bit of a change. I haven’t been in the storylines for so long, Mel.. Now was definitely the time for a make over.”

“Yeah, but...” She gestured toward her entirely black outfit, “This is dark, Kalli...”

Kalli smiled, “I guess one of the McMahon girls has to be at least a little Xtreme...” The moment the word slipped from her lips, Kalli cringed.

“Honey, I don’t like to say this, but...” Melly reached out and gently rubbed her arm, “Maybe you’re kinda overcompensating for you and Jeff with this image change...”

The slightly older of the two sisters sighed, “Mel, this has nothing to do with Jeff.”

“Everything with you has something to do with Jeff, Kalli, and you know it.” She told her sister gently before asking, “When are you going to stop putting on a brave front and let someone in to help you?”

Kalli’s face hardened and she replied in a tight, low voice, “I’m tired of everyone telling me how I feel and how to cope. I can handle this by myself.”

The girl’s face hardened all the more, and she turned on her heel, marching out the door as she snapped, “I have an interview to do. I’ll see you round, Melly.”

“*I* am going to be the first McMahon to win the WWF Women’s Title...” Kalli grinned as she gazed about the arena, “Legit.”

JR’s voice filtered from the TV screen, “But as you can see, Stephanie McMahon Helmsley, a former WWF Women’s Champion, was not impressed about that...”

Stephanie appeared on screen, standing right up in her sisters face, “I *earned* my Women’s Title, Kalleasto. I was the best damn Women’s champion the WWF ever had!”

“As a result of this confrontation, Kalleasto challenged Stephanie to compete in the Tournament for the Women’s Title, Stephanie refused, but...” The image on screen cut to Kalli’s match against Terri, with Kalli going for the roll up, only to have Ivory run in to distract the referee while Stephanie reversed it so Terri had the pin. As she backed away, the ref starting the count, Kalli managed to roll back over, getting the pin on Terri. The commentator’s excitable voice flooded her ears as Stephanie running for her life as Kalli chased her from the ring was shown, “Stephanie certainly has a battle on her hands if she thinks she can just...”

Kalli switched the monitor off.

Her promos for the night had gone well enough. And her match had been spot on, although she was certain she had hurt Terri on several occasions with the sheer force behind her moves. She sighed, she really, really had to watch that.

At leats the night was over, she supposed.

And so far... She leant down to touch wood... She *hadn’t* run into Jeff a once. Granted she had avoided virtually the *entire* roster for the evening to make sure she wouldn’t, but over all her hiding had been a success.

She was doing so well at being strong for her family and friends, despite her occasional slips. If she could keep it together, they wouldn’t worry or fuss nearly as much...

But if she saw Jeff, she wasn’t sure keeping it together would be an option.

“You’re still here.”

She looked up at the sound of the warm voice in her doorway, grinning when she saw Jason Reso. “Jay, baby!” She rushed over to give him a hug, cooing gently as she did so. “I’m so proud of you!”

When she pulled away his cheeks flushed a little, “You are?”

“Yeah!” She yanked him into the locker room, sitting him down beside her on the bench she rest her gear on. “You were great tonight.”

Sighing gently, Jason told her, “Maybe... But God... Did you hear the heat I got out there? And in my hometown?”

“I know, honey.” She gently pushed his hair on the side nearest him back behind his ear, “But that is an attestment to how well you did...” She smiled, “You broke my heart out there tonight. I have never loved Christian more.”

He gave her a little grin, “Really?”

“Jay... The WWF have had some shaky heel turns this year. Yours? It was perfect.” She was as excited as she would have been if she had still been on the Writing staff. “There was so much pain in what happened between Edge & Christian tonight... Christian didn’t look like he was happy about this whole deal, and that’s what I loved. You seem so tortured, so hurt... And that is going to make you an incredible heel if the writers see this storyline through.”

Jason managed a little chuckle, “Excuse me, but didn’t I once hear you protest, if that's what you call screaming your head off..” He grinned before he went on, “About an Edge & Christian split not so long ago?”

She shrugged, “Yeah, but...” She leant over and kissed his cheek, “You’re amazing.” She gave him a curious little look, “I take it Tia’s not pleased though?”

He sighed, “I’m avoiding her for the moment.”

Kalli laughed, “I knew there had to be a reason you came to see me!”

“Well, actually...” Jason smiled gently at the girl, “There was a reason I came to see you.”

The WWF Superstar fidgeted a little and said, “Do you wanna come out for a little while tonight? With the gang...”

Curious, Kalli murmured, “Define gang.”

“Adam, me, Matt, Krissy, Tia, Ria, Kurt, Melly, Chris, Linds...” He said near silently, “Jeff.”

Kalli pondered this for a moment, eventually telling him softly, “Honey, I’d love too... But I’m tired and...”

“You don’t wanna see, Jeff.” He sighed, “I understand that, but...”

Smirking Kalli told him, “Actually, I was going to say I have to get up at 5am for a 6am interview on a Radio Breakfast show here in the morning.”

Of course, deep down, she knew that was only part of the reason.

Like a teeny, tiny part.

But she couldn’t do it yet. She couldn’t look at Jeff... She couldn’t be standing right there with him within arms length...

Because she would want to touch him. To hold him and kiss him.

And she wasn’t sure she was ever going to get to do that again.

It was better to avoid the temptation...

And the torture of being so very close, but so horribly far.

“Oh!” He nodded, “I kinda see your point.” She smiled, picking up her bag and standing. Jason moved to stand next to her, “Want me to walk you to your car?”

Kalli smiled, “No. I want you to go find Tia and settle her down before she goes and stabs my father.”

It was his turn to smile, “I somehow think there might be a little line up for that.” He gave her a warm hug, “I’ll see you at Smackdown! tomorrow night?”

The girl grinned, “Count on it.” Then hugged him and moved to go.

He called after her, “Are you *SURE* I can’t convince you to come?”

Kalli paused, looking back at him with a wry grin, “Not for all the naked, chocolate covered Edge & Christian’s in the world.”

Jason laughed, “What if I throw in both Hardy Boys?”

“Okay...” She glared at him sillily, “That’s called cheating.” When their laughter died away, she blew him a kiss, “Seriously, Jay. Goodnight.” She gave him another little smile and then left.

“Kalli? Wait up!”

The girl froze mid-movement, the car door stopping only a few centimetres ajar when she heard Jeff Hardy’s voice from behind her. She cursed under her breath, her heart pounding. All she had wanted that night was to escape without seeing Jeff.

But that wasn’t about to happen now.

She turned slowly as she heard his footsteps stop behind her, putting on her bravest front possible. It took all of her strength to force herself to look up at him as she spoke, her voice as warm as she could manage. “Hey, Jeff.” She gave him a little smile, “What’s up?”

“Not much.” He managed a smile to match hers. “I just...” He fidgeted a little, “I wanted to see how you were.”

Somehow keeping her voice level, she told him, “I’m good. You know.” There was an awkward pause and she asked, “And you? How are you?”

He nodded, “Yeah. Good.”

Kalli pointed to his ribcage, “And you’re all healed up?”

Jeff nodded again, “Uh huh. Still a little stiff, but I figure I can work out the kinks in the ring.”

It was Kalli’s turn to nod in response.

Again an awkward silence set in, and Kalli paced nervously on the spot, struggling for something to say. “Great...”

At the same time Jeff said, “I see you...”

They both broke off, giggling a little. Kalli’s cheeks flushed with red and she said, “I’m sorry.” She motioned toward him, “You first.”

The youngest of the Hardys chuckled, “No, its okay. Ladies first.”

In spite of herself, the girl flashed him the same grin she had used on him day in, day out since she had first fallen for him, her voice a little playful she said, “We both know I’m no lady.”

He matched her grin perfectly, the two basking in it for a moment before Jeff caught himself, shaking the grin off, “Uh... I’m sorry... What were you going to say, Kalli?”

She shrugged, “I just wanted to say great match. You and Chris work well together.”

“Thanks.” He smiled, “And I was gonna say too... You had a good match against Terri. You really took it to her.”

Kalli shrugged again, “Yeah, well, that seems to be getting me in trouble. If I want to keep in this storyline I’m going to have tone down some of those moves.” She smiled, “It seems I’ve been working with the Hardys a little too long, I compete against the girls like I would the guys and, uh...” She managed a little chuckled, “Some of the girls don’t appreciate that a whole lot.”

Jeff smiled, “Well... At least you’re in the storylines.”

“Yeah.” She started toying with the car keys in her hand. “I finally took your advice and asked Daddy to let me in on the action. I’m going to be competing in the Women’s Title match at Unforgiven.”

A little surprised, Jeff asked, “Instead of Lita?”

“No.” She watched him carefully to gage his response, “With Lita and Ivory. It’ll be a Triple Threat match.”

Seemingly impressed he murmured, “Wow. Kalli hits the big time.”

The shared another short grin...

And then silence beset upon them again.

Kalli’s eyes fell to her feet as she fidgeted with her keys, while Jeff, after looking all over the parking lot like there was something actually worth seeing, finally said softly, “I want things to be okay between us, Kalli.”

Without looking up she replied, “I want that too.”

He went on a little hurriedly, flustered, “Just because we’re not together anymore...” He broke off, not sure exactly how to put it into words, eventually saying, “You don’t have to avoid me.”

She whispered, “Jeff...” After a moment’s contemplation, “I kinda do.” Kalli looked up, their eyes meeting. “This is hard.” She took a steadying breath, sure she could feel tears coming, “I mean, this is *really* hard.” She slipped her keys in her pocket for fear she would drop them. “I don’t want to avoid you. And I don’t want this... This weirdness between us... But for now...” She broke off again.

He nodded, “I understand.”

“Jeff...” She gazed deeply into his eyes as she whispered, “I miss you.”

“I know...” He reached out and stroked her cheek gently, “I do miss you, Kalli.” He added before she could get her hopes up, “But this is how it has to be.”

Now certain tears would come, feeling the sting forming in her eyes, she snapped her head down quickly. “If that’s what you want.” Her hurt was clearly written in her voice, and knowing she would break at any second, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him. She whispered into his ear, “But if you ever change your mind...”

The first tear slipped down her cheek and Kalli pulled away, careful not to look up again as she turned, yanking her keys from her pocket and getting into the car, the door slamming shut behind her. She kept her head down as she started the car, her long hair draped across her face to hide her tears...

And then she drove away.

Leaving Jeff to look on, helpless and alone.

He sighed, the sting of tears now forming in his own eyes.

One day it had to be easier than this.

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride and watched you go

I wonder if you'll ever know