Absence of Fear
Inside my skin there is this space,
It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room,
It's waiting for lightning, it's waiting for you.
And I am wanting,
I am needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear.
Muscle and sinew, velvet and stone,
This vessel is haunted, it creaks and moans.
My bones call to you, in their separate skin,
I make myself translucent, to let you in.
For I am wanting,
And I am needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear.
The warm breeze gushed by the stables on the McMahon Family Estate, rattling the slightly loosened locks on the gates that lead inside. The musty smell of straw and chaff filled the air, the scent that of a much busier stable.
But in this stable, only a magnificent black Stallion could call these walls home. He moved contently around the stable, nuzzling the straw, oblivious to the turmoil that surrounded him.
Her back hard against the gate, her messy hair fluttering about in the wind, Kalleasto McMahon stood, perfectly silent, as her insides quaked in apprehension. Her eyes were locked on the eyes of her everything, and though she had hoped that when this moment came she could be strong, strength was not her friend today.
In the years that she had known him, Jeff Hardy had always been the more composed, the more collected of the two. When she crumbled, he was strong... Yet today he faired little better than she. His soulful hazel eyes were awash with anger and hurt and... She wondered if she read him right, but... Was it fear?
Finally managing to force sound from her lips, Kalli asked ever so gently, “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.” His voice was level, but he was only just keeping it that way. “I think we need to talk.”
“Yeah.” She nodded, “Me too.”
But still they stood in silence for what felt like minutes.
Eventually she whispered, “You know. Don’t you?” He nodded and she lowered her eyes, “I never meant...”
“Don’t.” Her voice trailed away. His anger seized upon him a little more fully and he asked, “Why Matt, Kalli? Anyone but Matt.”
Not looking up, fidgeting nervously with the ring on her index finger, she asked so softly he barely heard her, “Would it matter who it was?”
He paused for a moment, pondering. He supposed she was right. To him, it really wouldn’t have mattered who has had kissed or sought out to take comfort in. But still... It had been Matt. His very own flesh and blood, and the boyfriend of her own flesh and blood. “Kalli... You kissed Matt...” Before he could really think about it, he blurted out, “And God knows what else.”
Kalli gasped, her jaw dropping. Without looking up, she shook her head, “How can you say that to me?”
“How can I not?” He snapped. “Look at you, Kalli! Look at what you’ve been doing this last few weeks! I thought that I knew you... But all that you’ve done is shock me over and over again. The ladder match, Matt...”
She offered weakly, “Matt was an accident...”
“...Waiting to happen.” She looked up at him at last. He nearly stepped back, almost dealt a physical blow, when he realized she was crying. “What happened with Matt, Kalli? Why did it happen? How long has it been going on? And... Do you have feelings for him? I mean... God... What the hell..?”
Angry, hurt, she struck out in a last ditch effort to defend herself, “What business is it of yours?” She tried to stay strong but the anger was fleeting and a small sob broke from her, she closed her eyes to take a deep, steadying breath, “It’s no concern of yours anymore, Jeff. It has nothing to do with you.” She moved to walk past him, but he grabbed her arm, whirling her around to face him. Before he could speak she was practically snarling, “Let go of me. Right now.”
“No.” He glared down into her eyes, “Why Matt?”
She shook her head, scrunching up her face in a mixture of aggravation and confusion, “Why not Matt, Jeff?” Her tears continued to fall and she hurried on, her tone accusing, “He was there. In that hospital when all I wanted was you, he was there. He didn’t leave me, and he didn’t critisize me, and he didn’t tell me that I wasn’t worth it...”
A flash of shame touched his cheeks, “I never said that...”
“Didn’t you?” She finally managed to tear her arm loose of his grip, but she did not move away. “You wrestle, you get hurt, I worry and instead of comforting me, you get mad. And you decide that the whole thing is some stupid, girly, pathetic whim and you dump me on my ass and leave because I’m not worth working it out... I’m not worth it at all...” She broke down sobbing.
Tears filled his eyes and he reached out to touch her, finally seeing how completely broken she really was, but as his hands met her shoulders and he whispered “Kalli,” she pulled away.
She could barely go on, “I’ve shocked you this last few weeks? I’ve made you mad? I’ve upset you?” She glared, the words spilling so fast from her lips she could barely breathe, “Stiff fucking shit because you have no idea what my life has been like since you just got up and walked out of it without so much as a second thought... And you have no right to come here and be mad at me because I kissed someone else. You have no right at all.”
“And you think that doesn’t bother me?” His eyes were alight with anger, “You think that I like not having a say in what goes on in your life anymore? You think that I’m happy that you kissed Matt and I have no right to be upset with you?” He looked deep into her eyes, his voice softening, but only slightly, “I hate it, Kalli. I hate it.”
Her chin stuck out defiantly, she whispered scathingly, “You have no one to blame but yourself.”
Seemingly more hurt by this than all the words that had come before, his voice truly did soften now. It was a hurt whisper, the tears in his eyes let loose for her to see. “I haven’t stopped blaming myself since I broke up with you. I haven’t stopped wanting you back. Not for a moment. I thought I was doing what was best for you...”
Kalli sighed deeply, her own anger alleviated by the tears now trickling down his cheeks. Without thinking, she raised a hand, her palm pressing tenderly against his cheek as her fingertips brushed away his tears. “You are what’s best for me, Jeff.”
“Am I?” He whispered, reaching out to wipe away the tears that ran down her delicate face. “Look how much I hurt you.”
“No, baby...” Her fingertips brushed lightly over his lips as she spoke, every word more meaningful than the last until her heart was poured into every tiny syllable. “When it hurts me, its when I can’t reach out and touch you and know that you’re there, and that you’re okay,” she added with a gentle smile,. “And that you’re mine.”
Jeff sighed softly, “I want it to be that simple...”
“Ssshhh,” she locked her eyes on his, looking so deeply into him that he could not even contemplate looking away. Determined to make him see that the only thing that mattered to her in all the world was him, she whispered, “I love you.”
For a long time, they were suspended in that moment.
It was drawn out between them as she let every tiny hint of hurt and anger and lust and love dance into her eyes. The want, the need that smothered her entire being was there for him to see. All he had to do was see it...
If he walked away now, it would be over.
She would still want to be with him. She would still love him until her dying day, and most probably beyond. But she would be free of him.
But more than ever, Jeff Hardy finally understood that he didn’t want her to be free of him.
She had risked life and limb in a ladder match in a desperate attempt to make him see the truth..
When in the end all it had taken was a single kiss.
He had sacrificed this past few weeks with her for his foolish pride. He would not sacrifice another moment.
Moving forward, Jeff leant his forehead against hers, his fingers creeping into her hair, tangling gently in the soft strands. Finally he whispered the words she had prayed to hear since he had left her, “I love you, Kalli. And I just want you back.”
A tiny sob broke from her as relief flooded her soul. She pressed forward into him, wrapping arms around him tightly, her head against his chest. Weeks of pain fell from her eyes as she cried desperately. Her knees buckled under her, and slowly, together, they sank to the ground.
Jeff pulled her as deeply into his arms as he could get her, stroking her hair and cooing, “Ssshhh, Kalli... Come on... It’s okay. It’s okay now.”
Embarrassed but overcome, trying to compose herself she whispered, “I’m sorry... I just...”
He nodded against her, “Its okay. I know.” He reached a hand down to gently tilt her face toward his own, smiling near goofily, happy for the first time since he had broken her heart. “Kalli,” he murmured softly.
She smiled a smile to match his own, “Jeffy...” Her fingers crept up into his hair, her sobbing finally starting to subside. He leant closer to her, their noses gently rubbing together, their warm breath mingling, their eyes locked in longing.
But before he could lean any closer, almost dying to press his lips to hers she whispered seriously, her smile momentarily vanishing, “Don’t leave me again.”
“Never.”
Her smile reappeared, if possible, even happier than before, and the only thing that removed it now was when she curled her lips into a kiss against his...
They were, at last, united.
There is this hunger,
This restlessness inside of me.
And it knows that you're no stranger,
You're my gravity.
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim,
They will lay you out in moonlight,
And reinvent your name.
For I am wanting,
And I am needing you here,
I need you,
Near,
Inside the absence of fear.
~ The End ~